Telling Gaydene (I wish we had this on video--it was hysterical!!):
Telling Grandma Hume:
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Revealing the Gender
Telling Nick:
Telling Gaydene (I wish we had this on video--it was hysterical!!):
Telling Grandma Hume:
Telling Gaydene (I wish we had this on video--it was hysterical!!):
Telling Grandma Hume:
Monday, December 3, 2012
Letter to Baby
Dear Baby,
Time just seems to be flying by. We're already in week 22. Your daddy and I registered for things this week. It was fun to go through and dream about what your room would look like, and the things you might need. You need a lot of stuff!! I am blessed to have lots of friends who have had babies, so I asked people on Facebook for recommendations--I got 82 different responses from people with suggestions! I took their suggestions, as well as a list of "must haves", and made a good registry, I think. I did an Amazon registry on my own, and daddy looked over it when he got home from work. Then, we went to Babies-R-Us on Saturday and registered for some other things, just in case.
Let me tell you, even though you need a lot of stuff, we didn't register for half of the stupid things that they sell! Your daddy and I think so similarly sometimes. For instance, we came across these seat back cover things:
I was looking at them and thinking, "why wouldn't you just let your kid know that they don't put their feet on the seats?" and at the same time, your daddy said, "Those things just tell kids it's okay to put their feet on the seats." It's times like this that I know your daddy and I will work together well as parents, because we will have the same expectations for you, and we'll be able to be consistent with those expectations when you get a little older.
One thing we disagreed on was a diaper bag. I would like to have something with a lot of different compartments, but something that is still on the small side. I don't want to be one of those moms that ends up carrying a huge purse and a huge diaper bag filled to the brim with stuff all the time. Your daddy wants to get a backpack to carry things in. I couldn't find anything to make us both happy. Daddy doesn't want to buy one until after you arrive, because we won't know what we need to take with us. But I would like to have one ahead of time, so that we can be prepared from day one. I guess he and I will need to have some further discussions about this.
Sometimes, doing a registry for your first baby is hard--because no matter how much practice you've had, or how many friends you know that have babies, some of the knowledge about what you need is still a mystery. When daddy and I got married, it was a little easier to register for things, because we knew what we were going to need on a daily basis for our house, because we lived on our own before. But bringing you into the world is a completely new experience. I have a little bit of knowledge because of my nannying experience, but daddy is completely clueless about what we're going to need for you. We are learning this together!
We have told a couple of people about if you are a boy or a girl, but we are mostly keeping it a secret. I want to be able to tell your Grandma and Great-Grandma and the rest of our family in person, and I don't want to risk them finding out any other way! It is really fun hearing what people guess, now that I know what you are. Most of the people at work think you are a boy, except for one manager, who is very insistent that you are a girl. Everyone else is split about half and half. I always think it is funny when people are SO SURE about it one way or another.
Daddy and I have been talking about names. There are some that he has vetoed outright. We keep coming back to one name over and over, though. Want to know a secret? That name is my favorite, and I find myself calling you by that name when we're alone. I am hoping that it sticks!
I'm still feeling pretty good. I have been back at Old Navy for the last several weeks, and it has been good to get out of the house for a while and be busy. People at work are really nice to me, and very conscientious about making sure I am doing okay. My back only hurts occasionally now, and ice always helps. You kick a lot on the way to work, and on the way home from work. Maybe you like the car?
You kick a lot in the evenings, too, while daddy and I are watching The Walking Dead. Are you afraid of the zombies? Don't worry--I'm afraid of them, too. I will protect you, though! I try to get daddy to feel you kicking, but he says he can't feel it yet. Keep kicking, baby!
I love you with all my heart,
Mommy
Time just seems to be flying by. We're already in week 22. Your daddy and I registered for things this week. It was fun to go through and dream about what your room would look like, and the things you might need. You need a lot of stuff!! I am blessed to have lots of friends who have had babies, so I asked people on Facebook for recommendations--I got 82 different responses from people with suggestions! I took their suggestions, as well as a list of "must haves", and made a good registry, I think. I did an Amazon registry on my own, and daddy looked over it when he got home from work. Then, we went to Babies-R-Us on Saturday and registered for some other things, just in case.
Let me tell you, even though you need a lot of stuff, we didn't register for half of the stupid things that they sell! Your daddy and I think so similarly sometimes. For instance, we came across these seat back cover things:
I was looking at them and thinking, "why wouldn't you just let your kid know that they don't put their feet on the seats?" and at the same time, your daddy said, "Those things just tell kids it's okay to put their feet on the seats." It's times like this that I know your daddy and I will work together well as parents, because we will have the same expectations for you, and we'll be able to be consistent with those expectations when you get a little older.
One thing we disagreed on was a diaper bag. I would like to have something with a lot of different compartments, but something that is still on the small side. I don't want to be one of those moms that ends up carrying a huge purse and a huge diaper bag filled to the brim with stuff all the time. Your daddy wants to get a backpack to carry things in. I couldn't find anything to make us both happy. Daddy doesn't want to buy one until after you arrive, because we won't know what we need to take with us. But I would like to have one ahead of time, so that we can be prepared from day one. I guess he and I will need to have some further discussions about this.
Sometimes, doing a registry for your first baby is hard--because no matter how much practice you've had, or how many friends you know that have babies, some of the knowledge about what you need is still a mystery. When daddy and I got married, it was a little easier to register for things, because we knew what we were going to need on a daily basis for our house, because we lived on our own before. But bringing you into the world is a completely new experience. I have a little bit of knowledge because of my nannying experience, but daddy is completely clueless about what we're going to need for you. We are learning this together!
We have told a couple of people about if you are a boy or a girl, but we are mostly keeping it a secret. I want to be able to tell your Grandma and Great-Grandma and the rest of our family in person, and I don't want to risk them finding out any other way! It is really fun hearing what people guess, now that I know what you are. Most of the people at work think you are a boy, except for one manager, who is very insistent that you are a girl. Everyone else is split about half and half. I always think it is funny when people are SO SURE about it one way or another.
Daddy and I have been talking about names. There are some that he has vetoed outright. We keep coming back to one name over and over, though. Want to know a secret? That name is my favorite, and I find myself calling you by that name when we're alone. I am hoping that it sticks!
I'm still feeling pretty good. I have been back at Old Navy for the last several weeks, and it has been good to get out of the house for a while and be busy. People at work are really nice to me, and very conscientious about making sure I am doing okay. My back only hurts occasionally now, and ice always helps. You kick a lot on the way to work, and on the way home from work. Maybe you like the car?
You kick a lot in the evenings, too, while daddy and I are watching The Walking Dead. Are you afraid of the zombies? Don't worry--I'm afraid of them, too. I will protect you, though! I try to get daddy to feel you kicking, but he says he can't feel it yet. Keep kicking, baby!
I love you with all my heart,
Mommy
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Halfway Done!
Halfway done!
The baby has been kicking like crazy lately!! I never felt "the flutter" that people feel. But one night, I laid down at the end of the night, and literally felt the feet kicking me in the front! What is really fun is that I have been able to feel it on the outside, so Nick has been able to feel it, too. Though, he still maintains that he doesn't know what he's feeling--he thinks it's like, gas or something. :) No, buddy, that's your kid! I feel it mostly in the morning and in the evening--usually in the car on the way to work. :)
I have (mostly) gotten over finding out what we are having over the phone. I have just been enjoying knowing what we are having, and planning and dreaming together with Nick. I had a fun way of telling Nick, which I did get on video, but I am not going to share it until after we tell our families when we go home in December. I love hearing people's theories, though--especially now that we know what we are having! We have talked about names. I had 4 that I really liked, and Nick vetoed 3 of them. He didn't object to the last one (which was my favorite), so we'll see if it sticks over the next 4 months!
My OB sent me to a perinatologist to get my 20-week ultrasound. They didn't really give me a reason for it--I'm just thinking it is because the peri can do a much more detailed ultrasound, and they wanted to be sure that the test results I got were accurate. We waited FOR-EV-ER at the peri's office. Our appointment was at 10:15, and we saw the doctor at 11:30. Nick was furious...he was actually wanting to leave. Thankfully, we don't need to go back again, because everything was normal! We got to count the fingers and toes, we could see the irises and the baby's profile in 3D, and the spine was crystal-clear. The peri was funny--he said he would give us a 3D photo, but don't get too excited, because the baby "looks like Skeletor" right now.
I actually thought it looked more like the aliens from "Independence Day". :)
Baby, I love you, but you're looking like an alien.
The baby has been kicking like crazy lately!! I never felt "the flutter" that people feel. But one night, I laid down at the end of the night, and literally felt the feet kicking me in the front! What is really fun is that I have been able to feel it on the outside, so Nick has been able to feel it, too. Though, he still maintains that he doesn't know what he's feeling--he thinks it's like, gas or something. :) No, buddy, that's your kid! I feel it mostly in the morning and in the evening--usually in the car on the way to work. :)
I have (mostly) gotten over finding out what we are having over the phone. I have just been enjoying knowing what we are having, and planning and dreaming together with Nick. I had a fun way of telling Nick, which I did get on video, but I am not going to share it until after we tell our families when we go home in December. I love hearing people's theories, though--especially now that we know what we are having! We have talked about names. I had 4 that I really liked, and Nick vetoed 3 of them. He didn't object to the last one (which was my favorite), so we'll see if it sticks over the next 4 months!
My OB sent me to a perinatologist to get my 20-week ultrasound. They didn't really give me a reason for it--I'm just thinking it is because the peri can do a much more detailed ultrasound, and they wanted to be sure that the test results I got were accurate. We waited FOR-EV-ER at the peri's office. Our appointment was at 10:15, and we saw the doctor at 11:30. Nick was furious...he was actually wanting to leave. Thankfully, we don't need to go back again, because everything was normal! We got to count the fingers and toes, we could see the irises and the baby's profile in 3D, and the spine was crystal-clear. The peri was funny--he said he would give us a 3D photo, but don't get too excited, because the baby "looks like Skeletor" right now.
I actually thought it looked more like the aliens from "Independence Day". :)
Baby, I love you, but you're looking like an alien.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Life gets in the way sometimes...
Too busy to post lately. Lots of things to say, though. Until I get a chance to write, here are the 2 most recent belly pics, plus a couple that Nick took while we were in San Diego this past weekend.
Oops...nevermind. Apparently I have used up all of my free storage. Guess I'll have to get Nick to figure that out for me.
Oops...nevermind. Apparently I have used up all of my free storage. Guess I'll have to get Nick to figure that out for me.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Doctor Woes
Okay, it's official.
I hate my doctor's office.
I am switching immediately.
Reason #1: The first appointment I had in the office, they FORGOT ABOUT ME, and I was sitting in that stupid hospital gown for 45 minutes before someone came in and was surprised to see me in the room still.
Reason #2: They called me last week when they were closing 15 minutes later, to tell me that they had to talk with me about my lab results.
Reason #3: I had to call 6 times on Thursday to get the second test's results. They kept saying they needed to call the lab, and they would call me back. I called them 6 times to keep reminding them. Finally, they called me back at 6:15, and said they had called, but that the lab had closed. Grr!!
Reason #4: Today. I called to get the lab results, which came back negative. Yay! I was relishing in the results of that, when she proceeded to tell me that they also test for gender, and in the same breath, told me the gender.
Umm...I didn't want to know!
Dude. Not cool. ASK.
I actually called back and told the nurse off.
I'm really pissed off. Not because of the results of the test. Yay! Not because of what I'm having. Again, yay! But because I had made it up in my mind that I wasn't going to find out, and I was excited about having this mystery and surprise, and now it is ruined because I am just pissed at my doctor's office.
I don't get the joy of anticipation in the delivery room, focusing on knowing what we are going to have when the pain is over.
I mean, I don't even get the joy of (if we had decided to find out), seeing the images on the ultrasound, and sharing that moment with Nick. Instead, I am sitting here, in my pjs on the couch, seething and crying because the moment is ruined because some dumb nurse didn't have the courtesy to ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION.
I know I need to have perspective. But right now, I'm just mad.
I hate my doctor's office.
I am switching immediately.
Reason #1: The first appointment I had in the office, they FORGOT ABOUT ME, and I was sitting in that stupid hospital gown for 45 minutes before someone came in and was surprised to see me in the room still.
Reason #2: They called me last week when they were closing 15 minutes later, to tell me that they had to talk with me about my lab results.
Reason #3: I had to call 6 times on Thursday to get the second test's results. They kept saying they needed to call the lab, and they would call me back. I called them 6 times to keep reminding them. Finally, they called me back at 6:15, and said they had called, but that the lab had closed. Grr!!
Reason #4: Today. I called to get the lab results, which came back negative. Yay! I was relishing in the results of that, when she proceeded to tell me that they also test for gender, and in the same breath, told me the gender.
Umm...I didn't want to know!
Dude. Not cool. ASK.
I actually called back and told the nurse off.
I'm really pissed off. Not because of the results of the test. Yay! Not because of what I'm having. Again, yay! But because I had made it up in my mind that I wasn't going to find out, and I was excited about having this mystery and surprise, and now it is ruined because I am just pissed at my doctor's office.
I don't get the joy of anticipation in the delivery room, focusing on knowing what we are going to have when the pain is over.
I mean, I don't even get the joy of (if we had decided to find out), seeing the images on the ultrasound, and sharing that moment with Nick. Instead, I am sitting here, in my pjs on the couch, seething and crying because the moment is ruined because some dumb nurse didn't have the courtesy to ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION.
I know I need to have perspective. But right now, I'm just mad.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Letter to Baby
Dear Baby,
Sitting here in an airplane and dreaming of you. I just read a beautiful book called "Safe Haven", by Nicholas Sparks. In it, there is a character named Jo, who made me think of your Nana, who was my mom.
Nana has been on my mind a lot lately. Being pregnant with you has been a joy (well, most of the time. I will admit, it wasn't fun feeling sick for the first few months), but there is a tinge of sadness, as well, knowing that you will never be able to know Nana.
This makes me more sad than you will know. Your Nana was an incredible lady. She was full of courage and grace, questions and confidence. She loved family and friends, and she anticipated the day that she would get to meet you with such clarity. If you are a girl, you will be named Jeanne after her (her middle name was Jeanne, too). The character of Jo in the book was a guide for the main character, Katie. She helped Katie to realize some things about her life that were missing. Your Nana did the same thing for me. She was a great source of wisdom. She helped me to make decisions, and helped to challenge me to do even greater things than I had planned for myself.
If I could change one thing about my life, it would be for you to get a chance to get to know Nana. To be held in her arms, to sing with her, to feel her hands as they caressed your face, to see the look in her eyes as she intently listened to whatever you had to say. The best thing that I can tell you is that I try to be like her in the best ways possible. My hands and Nana's hands are the same. I wear her ring as a reminder of what a beautiful love she and Papaw shared together. I have a tattoo of the word "strength" on my wrist as a reminder of the strength and focus that she exhibited through difficult times. I have Nana's laugh and mannerisms. And although you never got to see them yourself, you can watch me and see parts of Nana in me. I promise to do my best to let you know all the time how much your Nana loved you, and how much she cared for you, even before you were born.
I think about Nana a lot, just as much as I think of you. She was so excited to be a grandma, even though she knew she might never get the chance to see you. You see, Nana was sick for a long time. In fact, the first time she got sick with cancer, I was only 11. We didn't know if Nana was going to live for very long. But she prayed that she would be able to see me and your Aunt Ashley graduate from high school. And God answered her prayers! Then, she prayed that God would let her see me and Aunt Ashley graduate from college…and God answered that prayer, too! Then, she prayed for God to let her see me and Aunt Ashley get married…and she walked down the aisle when I married your daddy, and when Ashley married Uncle Brandon. She then prayed that God would let her see her grand babies. And although her sickness took her to Heaven before she got to meet you, I know that she was smiling down from Heaven when God put you in my womb. In fact, Jesus probably told her about you before I even knew! Although God didn't answer Nana's prayer the way that we would have wanted Him to, His ways are perfect. And if the day comes when you ask Jesus into your heart, then you can know that one day you WILL get to meet Nana face-to-face--in Heaven!
Until that day, you will have to settle for stories and pictures and memories that we have of Nana. Your Papaw loves to talk about Nana--if you ever want to know what she was like, you can ask him, or me, or Aunt Ashley, or any of your other relatives. Because everyone loved Nana, and everyone misses her very much.
Dreaming of you,
Mommy
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Tests...and more tests...
(Make sure you read the first post before reading this one.)
The 2nd trimester blood work that they do is a screening (not a diagnostic test). They screen for Down's Syndrome and spina bifida.
According to my test results, I have a 1 in 200 chance of having a Down's baby, which is a "positive" result. If I had 1 in 201 chance, it would have been negative. So I am right on the border.
I went online and read about the 16-week test that they did, and was mildly encouraged to find this:
I went back in today to get another test, this one called the MaterniT21 test. It will basically scan for the Chromosome 21 disorder (which causes Down's). My doctor said she is fairly certain that my first result was a false positive. The MaterniT21 test will allow them to factor in my age, which will change the results. The closer you are to 35, the higher your risk. This test is nearly 100% accurate.
The test, if it comes back positive, will lead to an amniocentesis--which I will opt out of. At that point, I don't really need to know any more. It's not as if I am going to abort my little one, no matter what I find out about it. And the test itself is a risk, one I am not willing to take.
What sobers me is that there are many women who WILL choose to go that route, just because they find out their baby isn't 100% "normal".
I encourage you to read my friend Christy's sister Brittany's blog. She recently had a beautiful baby girl in her life for about 10 hours. Though the doctors recommended terminating the pregnancy, they trusted God with His plans--their story is amazing, and a blessing to pray over. It really made me stop and think about what I would do in a similar situation--and now that I am facing the possibility, I know, without a doubt, that I would choose the same path as Brittany and JB. http://waitingforselah.blogspot.com/
The 2nd trimester blood work that they do is a screening (not a diagnostic test). They screen for Down's Syndrome and spina bifida.
According to my test results, I have a 1 in 200 chance of having a Down's baby, which is a "positive" result. If I had 1 in 201 chance, it would have been negative. So I am right on the border.
I went online and read about the 16-week test that they did, and was mildly encouraged to find this:
The triple test does not give a definite result, but provides purely an estimation of risk. So although a 'good' result (say 1 in 400) can be encouraging, it does not guarantee your baby is normal.
Similarly a bad result (say 1 in 15) may cause the mother acute anxiety when there is no guarantee that the baby will be born with an abnormality. Where the risk is high, your doctor will usually recommend you consider an amniocentesis test.
I went back in today to get another test, this one called the MaterniT21 test. It will basically scan for the Chromosome 21 disorder (which causes Down's). My doctor said she is fairly certain that my first result was a false positive. The MaterniT21 test will allow them to factor in my age, which will change the results. The closer you are to 35, the higher your risk. This test is nearly 100% accurate.
The test, if it comes back positive, will lead to an amniocentesis--which I will opt out of. At that point, I don't really need to know any more. It's not as if I am going to abort my little one, no matter what I find out about it. And the test itself is a risk, one I am not willing to take.
What sobers me is that there are many women who WILL choose to go that route, just because they find out their baby isn't 100% "normal".
I encourage you to read my friend Christy's sister Brittany's blog. She recently had a beautiful baby girl in her life for about 10 hours. Though the doctors recommended terminating the pregnancy, they trusted God with His plans--their story is amazing, and a blessing to pray over. It really made me stop and think about what I would do in a similar situation--and now that I am facing the possibility, I know, without a doubt, that I would choose the same path as Brittany and JB. http://waitingforselah.blogspot.com/
First Baby Items
It's time to let out a little secret: I have been secretly buying baby things for 3 years.
Even before Nick and I started trying officially, I bought this onesie. I didn't know if we would have a girl or boy, and I didn't even have a definite start date for having a baby, but I just knew I had to have this cute thing.
Last weekend I had a Girls' Weekend with my BFFs from Cedarville, and we went thrifting, and I bought some onesies there, too.
(what is really funny about these is that I'm not really a fan of onesies with words on them--and that seems to be what I have been buying!)
I also have a bag full of the other things I have bought in the past:
Gus was very interested in saying "hi" to Pluto. I have to be careful with ALL stuffed animals in this house, because they are my dogs' favorites!
Then, people have started giving me gifts. When I was in Ohio, my grandma gave me my first baby gifts! (actually had to check another bag to get all of this stuff home!)
Sara got me a fun, musical monkey; Jennifer gave me my first baby book; Jessie got me some beautiful, unisex burp cloths; and Amy made me one of her Lovey Loops blankets (I was really hoping she would make one for me--and it's Ohio State!) and a homemade Yoda hat! Awesome!
Finally, this is a poster I bought in January, 2011. I think I want it to be the theme for the baby's room. I love the modern twist on the cartoon dogs, and it is a good unisex choice, too.
Even before Nick and I started trying officially, I bought this onesie. I didn't know if we would have a girl or boy, and I didn't even have a definite start date for having a baby, but I just knew I had to have this cute thing.
Last weekend I had a Girls' Weekend with my BFFs from Cedarville, and we went thrifting, and I bought some onesies there, too.
(what is really funny about these is that I'm not really a fan of onesies with words on them--and that seems to be what I have been buying!)
I also have a bag full of the other things I have bought in the past:
Gus was very interested in saying "hi" to Pluto. I have to be careful with ALL stuffed animals in this house, because they are my dogs' favorites!
Then, people have started giving me gifts. When I was in Ohio, my grandma gave me my first baby gifts! (actually had to check another bag to get all of this stuff home!)
Sara got me a fun, musical monkey; Jennifer gave me my first baby book; Jessie got me some beautiful, unisex burp cloths; and Amy made me one of her Lovey Loops blankets (I was really hoping she would make one for me--and it's Ohio State!) and a homemade Yoda hat! Awesome!
Finally, this is a poster I bought in January, 2011. I think I want it to be the theme for the baby's room. I love the modern twist on the cartoon dogs, and it is a good unisex choice, too.
Of course, Gus also wanted in, to remind me that he's the REAL LIVE dog in this house!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Long Night Ahead
I had blood work done at my last appointment (16 weeks). They called and left me a voicemail while I was working today, asking for me to call them about my lab results. They left this voicemail at 2:30, and the office closes at 3.
Who does that?
The 16 week blood work is used to calculate the risk factor of a baby being born with Down's Syndrome or spina bifida.
I have a long, sleepless night ahead of me.
Who does that?
The 16 week blood work is used to calculate the risk factor of a baby being born with Down's Syndrome or spina bifida.
I have a long, sleepless night ahead of me.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Things to write about...
...what I didn't think I'd do.
...to know or not to know?
...gift-age and clothes.
...the name debate.
...to know or not to know?
...the name debate.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
People Celebrity Baby Blog
I love reading People.com's celebrity baby blog. A lot of the moms that write on there are really funny, and write things that I can completely identify with.
One of the recent entries was by Elisa Donovan (who was in the movie Clueless). Click here to read the original article. I've included some of the things she said that I loved:
One of the recent entries was by Elisa Donovan (who was in the movie Clueless). Click here to read the original article. I've included some of the things she said that I loved:
"After staring at the blue plus sign on the EPT test in our bathroom, I secretly had the shameful sensation of wanting just another month or so before becoming pregnant. Just a little extra corner of time in order to prepare, to get ready, to — I don’t know … drink wine more heavily? Go out salsa dancing til 2 a.m.? To squeeze the marrow out of my non-parent adulthood? It was a familiar feeling, like that of wanting just one more day of vacation, or wanting to stay up just an hour later when I was 10."
"Then there’s the morning sickness. I had the misconception that “morning sickness” happened in the morning (call me crazy), and that you just threw up once or twice and then went about your day. For me it felt like the worst hangover imaginable coupled with jet lag, and it lasted for three to four months straight.
Charlie would leave for work in the morning, and I would be in bed in sweatpants. He would come home from work in the afternoon, and I would be on the couch in sweatpants. I was horizontal virtually all day and night, sitting up from time to time to eat some Saltines or take a sip of ginger ale. It was the worst.
One day Charlie came home and sat next to me on the couch. He stroked my head, an oily, matted-down mess of hair, and gently whispered: “Listen E … you have to take a shower. At some point, you really need to take a shower.”
I thought my reply was not only logical but exemplified economy of time and energy: “But I’m just going to be back on the couch again tomorrow, so…?” “You’re smelly,” he said, kindly. “You really are.”
One would think this would have catapulted me into action. Not so much. Though I did promise to consider it for tomorrow’s task."
Charlie would leave for work in the morning, and I would be in bed in sweatpants. He would come home from work in the afternoon, and I would be on the couch in sweatpants. I was horizontal virtually all day and night, sitting up from time to time to eat some Saltines or take a sip of ginger ale. It was the worst.
One day Charlie came home and sat next to me on the couch. He stroked my head, an oily, matted-down mess of hair, and gently whispered: “Listen E … you have to take a shower. At some point, you really need to take a shower.”
I thought my reply was not only logical but exemplified economy of time and energy: “But I’m just going to be back on the couch again tomorrow, so…?” “You’re smelly,” he said, kindly. “You really are.”
One would think this would have catapulted me into action. Not so much. Though I did promise to consider it for tomorrow’s task."
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
13 Week Update
I have started feeling normal again. I really think my prenatal vitamins are making me feel worse during the day--need to make sure to ask the OB about that next time I go. I'm really hesitant to say I'm feeling better, for some reason!
I'm really going to be one of those moms--I can already tell. Want to know how I know? I keep looking at my ultrasound pictures, and I am sad that my next appointment does not involve a look at the nugget.
I got a bunch of my maternity clothes in the mail this week. It was fun trying them on, and trying to imagine myself fitting into them in just a couple of months. I got 2 really nice pairs of jeans from Old Navy--one demi panel, and one full panel. I'm really impressed with ON's maternity selection. Plus, with my discount, I was able to get 3 tanks, 4 shirts, and 2 pairs of jeans for $100. Score.
Confession: I wore the demi-panel jeans to community group this week. Oh, my, gosh. I don't need them desperately yet, but my tummy is definitely bigger, and jeans really cut into my tummy in a painful way already. That demi panel was amazing! I can already see myself on What Not To Wear in a few years, as one of those non-pregnant ladies still wearing their pregnancy pants!
I have done 3 weddings, 3 weekends in a row. I usually spend all day Sunday on the couch, sleeping and icing/heating my back. I am headed to Philadelphia/New Jersey next weekend for a double-wedding weekend. Should be interesting.
I have always had lower-back problems after a long wedding-shooting day. But after the first wedding I did this month, I started getting sharp, stabbing pains right between my shoulder blades. They hurt a lot worse after sitting for a while. Last week, after suffering through wedding #2, I couldn't deal with it anymore, and went to a chiropractor that my stuntwoman friend recommended. Because I am pregnant, he can't do X-rays to determine if there is anything structurally wrong, but based on my symptoms, he believes that there is. He is treating me as if there is a structural problem.
Basically, my trapezius muscle (wraps around your shoulder blades and attaches in the middle of your back) is strained. This has caused neck aches and headaches that I have had for a long time. There was one examination that he did where he put very light pressure in a spot on my shoulder, and told me to let him know if I felt anything--my right hand went numb in about 3 seconds. He said on a normal person, he could put pressure on that spot for 4 minutes with no effects. Someone with acute problems would feel something in about a minute. And I felt it in 3 seconds. He said I have probably had problems for a long time, but because I am an athlete, I probably put things off (he asked if I have any trouble when I run--and I mentioned that my hands go numb, which I thought was a form thing--but he said it was this muscle controlling that).
The treatment is a few stretches that I need to do throughout the day, and then icing as I feel sharp pain. I also go to the chiro at least twice a week for treatment. He stretches me out, does a short eval, and then gives me electro stim treatments--exactly like what I used to get at Cedarville when I strained/tore my quads! It feels AMAZING. He also does an adjustment each time I am there.
This last time when I was leaving the chiro, there was another woman that was leaving, and I would say she was 7 months pregnant. The Dr. said she is having the exact same symptoms that I am having, and she is doing the same treatments that I am doing. When you are pregnant, the hormones and chemicals running through your body really soften your muscles up, so it is much easier to strain them. He told me I am going to need to be really careful about lifting or pulling things away from my body, because it will put a lot more stress on my muscles than I am probably expecting. He also said I need to try to avoid doing the "athlete thing", and ignoring the signs that my body is telling me. This is going to be really tough, since I carry 15lbs. of equipment with me every weekend for weddings. I'm just going to have to be really conscious about how I hold my camera.
I'm really going to be one of those moms--I can already tell. Want to know how I know? I keep looking at my ultrasound pictures, and I am sad that my next appointment does not involve a look at the nugget.
I got a bunch of my maternity clothes in the mail this week. It was fun trying them on, and trying to imagine myself fitting into them in just a couple of months. I got 2 really nice pairs of jeans from Old Navy--one demi panel, and one full panel. I'm really impressed with ON's maternity selection. Plus, with my discount, I was able to get 3 tanks, 4 shirts, and 2 pairs of jeans for $100. Score.
Confession: I wore the demi-panel jeans to community group this week. Oh, my, gosh. I don't need them desperately yet, but my tummy is definitely bigger, and jeans really cut into my tummy in a painful way already. That demi panel was amazing! I can already see myself on What Not To Wear in a few years, as one of those non-pregnant ladies still wearing their pregnancy pants!
I have done 3 weddings, 3 weekends in a row. I usually spend all day Sunday on the couch, sleeping and icing/heating my back. I am headed to Philadelphia/New Jersey next weekend for a double-wedding weekend. Should be interesting.
I have always had lower-back problems after a long wedding-shooting day. But after the first wedding I did this month, I started getting sharp, stabbing pains right between my shoulder blades. They hurt a lot worse after sitting for a while. Last week, after suffering through wedding #2, I couldn't deal with it anymore, and went to a chiropractor that my stuntwoman friend recommended. Because I am pregnant, he can't do X-rays to determine if there is anything structurally wrong, but based on my symptoms, he believes that there is. He is treating me as if there is a structural problem.
Basically, my trapezius muscle (wraps around your shoulder blades and attaches in the middle of your back) is strained. This has caused neck aches and headaches that I have had for a long time. There was one examination that he did where he put very light pressure in a spot on my shoulder, and told me to let him know if I felt anything--my right hand went numb in about 3 seconds. He said on a normal person, he could put pressure on that spot for 4 minutes with no effects. Someone with acute problems would feel something in about a minute. And I felt it in 3 seconds. He said I have probably had problems for a long time, but because I am an athlete, I probably put things off (he asked if I have any trouble when I run--and I mentioned that my hands go numb, which I thought was a form thing--but he said it was this muscle controlling that).
The treatment is a few stretches that I need to do throughout the day, and then icing as I feel sharp pain. I also go to the chiro at least twice a week for treatment. He stretches me out, does a short eval, and then gives me electro stim treatments--exactly like what I used to get at Cedarville when I strained/tore my quads! It feels AMAZING. He also does an adjustment each time I am there.
This last time when I was leaving the chiro, there was another woman that was leaving, and I would say she was 7 months pregnant. The Dr. said she is having the exact same symptoms that I am having, and she is doing the same treatments that I am doing. When you are pregnant, the hormones and chemicals running through your body really soften your muscles up, so it is much easier to strain them. He told me I am going to need to be really careful about lifting or pulling things away from my body, because it will put a lot more stress on my muscles than I am probably expecting. He also said I need to try to avoid doing the "athlete thing", and ignoring the signs that my body is telling me. This is going to be really tough, since I carry 15lbs. of equipment with me every weekend for weddings. I'm just going to have to be really conscious about how I hold my camera.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Second OB Appointment (12 Weeks)
Nick and I had my second OB appointment on Wednesday. Believe me, I was most excited that we were past the transvaginal ultrasound stage! No more peeing on the ultrasound tech! Yay! :)
This was the first appointment with blood work. Oh, goodie. My favorite thing. As they were putting in the needle, I just kept thinking of mom getting needled every day for years, and I didn't complain. Of course, I didn't love it, but once life hits you in the face with a dose of perspective, you tend to do things differently. I just kept looking at my "strength" tattoo.
Filling out the paperwork (I look handicapped here):
I am up 4 pounds from the last visit, to 180. I was actually shocked that it wasn't higher, as it has been toooooo hot to run (for example: it was 106 when I got home today), and I have been eating like crazy. Everything I have read says that you're not supposed to gain in the 1st trimester, but since eating keeps me from feeling more nauseous, I consider 4 pounds a victory. It will hopefully cool off again soon, so I can get back to running. This kid is definitely a mix of Nick and I: its favorite foods are french fries and pasta!
I absolutely love the ultrasound part. It's so cool to see the heartbeat flutter, and see all the new parts that have formed. The nugget now looks more like an actual baby (with a *huge* head--like Sputnik!), instead of a tadpole. I am thankful I don't have to be like Rachel (from "Friends") and ask the ultrasound tech where it is over and over--I had no trouble making everything out on the screen. Clear head and body, arms and legs. Nugget had their hand up where the nose would be, so it looked a little like Pinocchio or something. I'm thinking either Nugget is self-conscious of its nose already, or it was giving us the Fist Pump of Power!
One temporarily nervous moment was when the ultrasound tech was looking for the nuchal wall (the thickness between the skin and the spine on the back of the neck--includes the muscle tissue), and she kept looking and looking. I got a little uneasy, thinking, "Is this a bad thing, or a good thing?" She eventually got the angle she was looking for, measured, and told us that it was the correct thickness (a symptom of Down's Syndrome is to have a nuchal wall thickness of 3 or more--mine was 1.3).
While she was looking, though, she kept the ultrasound wand still for a few seconds, and I got to see the little Nugget jump a little bit! Until now, it's just been kind of a static image, without any noticeable movement. So it was amazing to see it move on it's own, instead of moving because of the ultrasound movement.
I was really nervous before the appointment for some reason, that we wouldn't hear a heartbeat, or that the baby would be stillborn or something. I haven't had any worries about that before now, so it was weird that that was kind of running through my head. I guess because I was feeling a little bit better in the afternoons, and I thought that maybe it meant that something was wrong. Just crazy talk.
I did mention to the doctor about my being down in the dumps (Andrea). She did seem very concerned, and has Nick on "sadness watch". She said if I'm not better in two weeks, that I am supposed to go back. I'm hoping that feeling better physically will help me to feel better mentally. (She did suggest maybe having a sweet tea every now and then would make me feel better. Hey--if the doctor orders it...)
I also did a breast cancer screening, since I can't do any mammograms while pregnant/nursing. It will check for the breast cancer gene. It's an expensive test, but since we're definitely going to hit our deductible this year, it is as good a time as any.
I'm going to have to start doing a weekly photo--my shorts are getting tighter, so I'll actually have something to show!
This was the first appointment with blood work. Oh, goodie. My favorite thing. As they were putting in the needle, I just kept thinking of mom getting needled every day for years, and I didn't complain. Of course, I didn't love it, but once life hits you in the face with a dose of perspective, you tend to do things differently. I just kept looking at my "strength" tattoo.
Filling out the paperwork (I look handicapped here):
I am up 4 pounds from the last visit, to 180. I was actually shocked that it wasn't higher, as it has been toooooo hot to run (for example: it was 106 when I got home today), and I have been eating like crazy. Everything I have read says that you're not supposed to gain in the 1st trimester, but since eating keeps me from feeling more nauseous, I consider 4 pounds a victory. It will hopefully cool off again soon, so I can get back to running. This kid is definitely a mix of Nick and I: its favorite foods are french fries and pasta!
I absolutely love the ultrasound part. It's so cool to see the heartbeat flutter, and see all the new parts that have formed. The nugget now looks more like an actual baby (with a *huge* head--like Sputnik!), instead of a tadpole. I am thankful I don't have to be like Rachel (from "Friends") and ask the ultrasound tech where it is over and over--I had no trouble making everything out on the screen. Clear head and body, arms and legs. Nugget had their hand up where the nose would be, so it looked a little like Pinocchio or something. I'm thinking either Nugget is self-conscious of its nose already, or it was giving us the Fist Pump of Power!
One temporarily nervous moment was when the ultrasound tech was looking for the nuchal wall (the thickness between the skin and the spine on the back of the neck--includes the muscle tissue), and she kept looking and looking. I got a little uneasy, thinking, "Is this a bad thing, or a good thing?" She eventually got the angle she was looking for, measured, and told us that it was the correct thickness (a symptom of Down's Syndrome is to have a nuchal wall thickness of 3 or more--mine was 1.3).
While she was looking, though, she kept the ultrasound wand still for a few seconds, and I got to see the little Nugget jump a little bit! Until now, it's just been kind of a static image, without any noticeable movement. So it was amazing to see it move on it's own, instead of moving because of the ultrasound movement.
I was really nervous before the appointment for some reason, that we wouldn't hear a heartbeat, or that the baby would be stillborn or something. I haven't had any worries about that before now, so it was weird that that was kind of running through my head. I guess because I was feeling a little bit better in the afternoons, and I thought that maybe it meant that something was wrong. Just crazy talk.
I did mention to the doctor about my being down in the dumps (Andrea). She did seem very concerned, and has Nick on "sadness watch". She said if I'm not better in two weeks, that I am supposed to go back. I'm hoping that feeling better physically will help me to feel better mentally. (She did suggest maybe having a sweet tea every now and then would make me feel better. Hey--if the doctor orders it...)
I also did a breast cancer screening, since I can't do any mammograms while pregnant/nursing. It will check for the breast cancer gene. It's an expensive test, but since we're definitely going to hit our deductible this year, it is as good a time as any.
I'm going to have to start doing a weekly photo--my shorts are getting tighter, so I'll actually have something to show!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Friends are Treasures
A friend of mine wrote me an email in response to my post a few days ago, and it spoke so clearly to me that I wanted to keep a record of it. So I've decided to post the text here. To this friend: your words came in a moment I desperately needed to hear these specific words of encouragement. I am so thankful for you, and will continue to return to these words over the next few months, I am sure!
"Love the blog. I thought about commenting on the post, but then I thought I'd just write you. Oh my friend, you are in full-blown motherdom. There are few situations in which a person can fill such INTENSE mixed emotions. You feel like *&%$ right now. It makes sense that you would be depressed. It makes sense that you don't know whether or not to be excited. It makes sense that nannying is hard (I don't really like babysitting much at all, unless it's for kids I love, and even then....well.) It's like marriage...the hardest thing and the most wonderful thing. But once you look into those little eyes, those eyes that are part Allison and part Nick, you will fall in love in a whole new way. Yes, it will be crazy, and you won't know what you're doing, and you'll wonder who signed you up for this, but you will do it. And a few years down the road, you'll be writing to a pregnant friend and telling her the same thing.
I remember those days of early pregnancy. They sucked. I just wanted them to be over. Every day dragged on forever. But then one day, I felt something lifting. And the next day I felt a little better. And the next day I dared to hope the sickness was subsiding. And then it did (I know that as a teacher you taught your kids not to start sentences with "and then." I'm a rebel.) You are going to be an incredible mother. When those feelings of doubt or anger or depression or frustration come, know that they are totally normal, and if you can, try to turn them into a prayer (hmmm, I'm one to talk...) I know it must be so hard not to have your mom to talk to about all of this. I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine how badly that hurts and the depth of the loss you feel. The one thing I know though, is that your mom gave birth to baby who would become an incredible woman, who is talented, smart, funny, fun-loving, radiant, creative, positive, beautiful, and most of all a child of God, who will herself be an amazing mother.
I'm here for you. PLEASE tell me what I can do and how I can help. I know it feels like you're in a dark hole with a cloud hanging over you, but keep going, my friend. You are running a marathon of sorts...but you are an amazing runner, and more importantly, you know the One who can teach you how to run.
I love you!!"
"Love the blog. I thought about commenting on the post, but then I thought I'd just write you. Oh my friend, you are in full-blown motherdom. There are few situations in which a person can fill such INTENSE mixed emotions. You feel like *&%$ right now. It makes sense that you would be depressed. It makes sense that you don't know whether or not to be excited. It makes sense that nannying is hard (I don't really like babysitting much at all, unless it's for kids I love, and even then....well.) It's like marriage...the hardest thing and the most wonderful thing. But once you look into those little eyes, those eyes that are part Allison and part Nick, you will fall in love in a whole new way. Yes, it will be crazy, and you won't know what you're doing, and you'll wonder who signed you up for this, but you will do it. And a few years down the road, you'll be writing to a pregnant friend and telling her the same thing.
I remember those days of early pregnancy. They sucked. I just wanted them to be over. Every day dragged on forever. But then one day, I felt something lifting. And the next day I felt a little better. And the next day I dared to hope the sickness was subsiding. And then it did (I know that as a teacher you taught your kids not to start sentences with "and then." I'm a rebel.) You are going to be an incredible mother. When those feelings of doubt or anger or depression or frustration come, know that they are totally normal, and if you can, try to turn them into a prayer (hmmm, I'm one to talk...) I know it must be so hard not to have your mom to talk to about all of this. I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine how badly that hurts and the depth of the loss you feel. The one thing I know though, is that your mom gave birth to baby who would become an incredible woman, who is talented, smart, funny, fun-loving, radiant, creative, positive, beautiful, and most of all a child of God, who will herself be an amazing mother.
I'm here for you. PLEASE tell me what I can do and how I can help. I know it feels like you're in a dark hole with a cloud hanging over you, but keep going, my friend. You are running a marathon of sorts...but you are an amazing runner, and more importantly, you know the One who can teach you how to run.
I love you!!"
Sunday, September 16, 2012
That was a first.
Just ordered my first maternity clothes!
I got some basics from Old Navy:
4 tops,
3 tanks,
1 pair of trouser jeans (demi panel)
and 1 pair of dark wash skinny jeans (full panel)
Awesome, except I totally forgot to use my employee discount, so when everything comes in, I'm going to have to go and get the price adjusted in the store. Maternity brain strikes again!!
Speaking of maternity brain, here is the best example so far:
I went to In-N-Out for dinner one night (fries craving), and when I got up to the window, I gave them my credit card. Well, they don't take AmEx--which was weird, because I knew that, and that isn't the card I would normally use. I look through my wallet, and I CANNOT find my regular card. I kind of start freaking out a little bit, because I can't remember where I would've put it, or when I would've used it last. There were people behind me and in front of me in the drive thru, and I was super embarrassed. Thankfully, the manager just asked me to come back and pay later, and they would give me my food (didn't even have to tell him I was pregnant--yay In-N-Out). I get home, and am getting my stuff together (and worrying about how I am going to pay them, because I don't have any cash or anything), and I notice that my credit card I was searching for....was in my lap. I then remembered that at the beginning of the drive-thru line, I thought I would save myself some time by getting my card out early--but then I completely forgot that I did that!
Duh.
p.s. Yes, I DID go back to In-N-Out and pay.
I got some basics from Old Navy:
4 tops,
3 tanks,
1 pair of trouser jeans (demi panel)
and 1 pair of dark wash skinny jeans (full panel)
Awesome, except I totally forgot to use my employee discount, so when everything comes in, I'm going to have to go and get the price adjusted in the store. Maternity brain strikes again!!
Speaking of maternity brain, here is the best example so far:
I went to In-N-Out for dinner one night (fries craving), and when I got up to the window, I gave them my credit card. Well, they don't take AmEx--which was weird, because I knew that, and that isn't the card I would normally use. I look through my wallet, and I CANNOT find my regular card. I kind of start freaking out a little bit, because I can't remember where I would've put it, or when I would've used it last. There were people behind me and in front of me in the drive thru, and I was super embarrassed. Thankfully, the manager just asked me to come back and pay later, and they would give me my food (didn't even have to tell him I was pregnant--yay In-N-Out). I get home, and am getting my stuff together (and worrying about how I am going to pay them, because I don't have any cash or anything), and I notice that my credit card I was searching for....was in my lap. I then remembered that at the beginning of the drive-thru line, I thought I would save myself some time by getting my card out early--but then I completely forgot that I did that!
Duh.
p.s. Yes, I DID go back to In-N-Out and pay.
Friday, September 14, 2012
This is as real as it gets.
I've been struggling on whether I should/how I should write this. Because I have heard the responses to it so often. And I'm supposed to be happy. After all, I'm finally pregnant! But at the same time, this needs to be a place to journal my thoughts. My friend here in LA said that she used to journal on the hard days. I am going to want to know how I was feeling when I was pregnant. And, God forbid, if I never get to see my kids when they are pregnant, I want them to know what it was like for me. Because I have no idea what it was like for my mom to be pregnant, other than hearing her say several times that she loved being pregnant.
Right now, I don't understand that statement. Because I don't love being pregnant. In fact, it has been 11 weeks and 1 day of torture. Sick, tired, indigestion, depressed, hungry, nauseous, fat-feeling. I have felt all of these things on repeat and it has not been fun.
I'm also not excited right now to have a baby. I know I *should* be. I know I have waited all this time, and everyone else is excited, so I should be excited, but I'm not.
I think a big part of this is because of my job. I have not enjoyed nannying. I have tolerated it, but I have not enjoyed it on a consistent basis. So many people have said, "You're getting such great training!" What I want to say is that although it might have been great training in theory, I would much rather have been doing these difficult days with a fussing, screaming child with a baby that I LOVE unconditionally. Instead, I have done it with a child that I got to know as we went along, and to be honest, most of the time it just pissed me off. The first 3 months of my job were full of frustration and tears for me, and although it has improved since then, it has only been a marginal improvement. I just find myself getting more and more irritated with things (both that I have to deal with at nannying, and what I see just out-and-about), and thinking about having to deal with a newborn of my own is just overwhelmingly exhausting to think about.
I get irritated when I hear a screaming baby out in public, and then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and am going to have to deal with a screaming baby. I get frustrated when little man won't stop screaming in his crib for no reason at all other than he is mad--but then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and babies aren't logical, and I am going to have to deal with the same thing with my own kid. I can't function well or behave nicely if I don't get adequate sleep, and everyone keeps reminding me that I am not going to get any sleep after the baby is born, which just unnerves me. And although it is shallow and selfish, I look at my body and realize that it is never going to be the same (and is only going to get fatter), and I get sad.
(reading that paragraph back, it all sounds so selfish. but again--this is how I am feeling, selfishness and all. at the root of everything is my selfishness, and how this baby has gotten "in the way" of what I thought my life was going to do.)
It also seems like I am only hearing more and more of the frustrations that people have with their kids. People saying that newborns are hard work and no fun. People posting about the frustrating or irritating things that their kids are doing. It really discourages me as a pregnant mom, and almost makes me regret our decisions.
I know. I know all the retorts to this. "It's different with your own kids.""You'll feel differently when you're not sick all the time." "Babies are wonderful."
But those statements are little satisfaction to me these days. It's one of the reasons why I am quitting nannying. I need some time to be able to enjoy the fact that I am going to have a baby that is just me and Nick's. I need to be able to enjoy this time of being pregnant, and feeling my body change and appreciate that this is exactly as God has ordained it to be. That being a mom, and going through these changes, and dealing with these conflicting emotions is completely normal. And when I am getting frustrated daily by a baby, it's not so good for my level of understanding, or my excitement level.
I am happy when I read about other moms who have been sick or depressed their first trimester, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. But I worry that I AM alone in my not being 100% behind this baby right now. Can I just give birth to a well-behaved 8-year old? Because I could deal with that. 8-year olds I get. 8-day olds I don't.
Right now, I don't understand that statement. Because I don't love being pregnant. In fact, it has been 11 weeks and 1 day of torture. Sick, tired, indigestion, depressed, hungry, nauseous, fat-feeling. I have felt all of these things on repeat and it has not been fun.
I'm also not excited right now to have a baby. I know I *should* be. I know I have waited all this time, and everyone else is excited, so I should be excited, but I'm not.
I think a big part of this is because of my job. I have not enjoyed nannying. I have tolerated it, but I have not enjoyed it on a consistent basis. So many people have said, "You're getting such great training!" What I want to say is that although it might have been great training in theory, I would much rather have been doing these difficult days with a fussing, screaming child with a baby that I LOVE unconditionally. Instead, I have done it with a child that I got to know as we went along, and to be honest, most of the time it just pissed me off. The first 3 months of my job were full of frustration and tears for me, and although it has improved since then, it has only been a marginal improvement. I just find myself getting more and more irritated with things (both that I have to deal with at nannying, and what I see just out-and-about), and thinking about having to deal with a newborn of my own is just overwhelmingly exhausting to think about.
I get irritated when I hear a screaming baby out in public, and then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and am going to have to deal with a screaming baby. I get frustrated when little man won't stop screaming in his crib for no reason at all other than he is mad--but then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and babies aren't logical, and I am going to have to deal with the same thing with my own kid. I can't function well or behave nicely if I don't get adequate sleep, and everyone keeps reminding me that I am not going to get any sleep after the baby is born, which just unnerves me. And although it is shallow and selfish, I look at my body and realize that it is never going to be the same (and is only going to get fatter), and I get sad.
(reading that paragraph back, it all sounds so selfish. but again--this is how I am feeling, selfishness and all. at the root of everything is my selfishness, and how this baby has gotten "in the way" of what I thought my life was going to do.)
It also seems like I am only hearing more and more of the frustrations that people have with their kids. People saying that newborns are hard work and no fun. People posting about the frustrating or irritating things that their kids are doing. It really discourages me as a pregnant mom, and almost makes me regret our decisions.
I know. I know all the retorts to this. "It's different with your own kids.""You'll feel differently when you're not sick all the time." "Babies are wonderful."
But those statements are little satisfaction to me these days. It's one of the reasons why I am quitting nannying. I need some time to be able to enjoy the fact that I am going to have a baby that is just me and Nick's. I need to be able to enjoy this time of being pregnant, and feeling my body change and appreciate that this is exactly as God has ordained it to be. That being a mom, and going through these changes, and dealing with these conflicting emotions is completely normal. And when I am getting frustrated daily by a baby, it's not so good for my level of understanding, or my excitement level.
I am happy when I read about other moms who have been sick or depressed their first trimester, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. But I worry that I AM alone in my not being 100% behind this baby right now. Can I just give birth to a well-behaved 8-year old? Because I could deal with that. 8-year olds I get. 8-day olds I don't.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Maternity Musings
Haven't posted in a little while, so here's some things in tidbits:
* Every time I poop these days, I want to throw a party for my intestinal tract, simply because it is such an infrequent occurrence.
* Milk is amazingly good tasting. The major acne it puts on my back isn't worth it, though.
* I am still nauseous all day, every day. This makes me very cranky and frustrated. I will write more about this soon.
* Cheese is also amazingly delicious. This does not help with point #1.
* I'm staying busy--really getting involved at church. I work in Sunday school every week, and I'm going to start helping out in the women's ministry. I love my church and the people in it, so I'm happy to do it. Girls on the Run also starts this week.
* I am in the home stretch for nannying. My last day is September 27.
* I worked at Old Navy on Labor Day. Gotta keep my discount for baby clothes and maternity wardrobe! I bought a sweatshirt for.... $0.31!!! Christy would be proud. :)
* I made a pork loin for dinner the other night. I ate one bite and threw the rest of mine on Nick's plate. I do not eat pork, apparently.
* I have woken up at 3am every morning the last couple of weeks. I wake up ravenous. I should really start keeping food by my bed.
* Note to self: although you want to have birth photography done, do NOT watch entire slideshows of examples. It WILL freak you out.
* I am shooting 3 weddings the rest of the weekends in September. The photographers that I work for are having twins, and she was just put on bed rest. So I am taking over for her the next 3 Saturdays. It's days like that I wish I could still drink caffeine. I'm going to be TIRED!!!
* Speaking of tired, I have gone to bed at the average time of 9:30pm. I also take 2 naps during the day.
* Every time I poop these days, I want to throw a party for my intestinal tract, simply because it is such an infrequent occurrence.
* Milk is amazingly good tasting. The major acne it puts on my back isn't worth it, though.
* I am still nauseous all day, every day. This makes me very cranky and frustrated. I will write more about this soon.
* Cheese is also amazingly delicious. This does not help with point #1.
* I'm staying busy--really getting involved at church. I work in Sunday school every week, and I'm going to start helping out in the women's ministry. I love my church and the people in it, so I'm happy to do it. Girls on the Run also starts this week.
* I am in the home stretch for nannying. My last day is September 27.
* I worked at Old Navy on Labor Day. Gotta keep my discount for baby clothes and maternity wardrobe! I bought a sweatshirt for.... $0.31!!! Christy would be proud. :)
* I made a pork loin for dinner the other night. I ate one bite and threw the rest of mine on Nick's plate. I do not eat pork, apparently.
* I have woken up at 3am every morning the last couple of weeks. I wake up ravenous. I should really start keeping food by my bed.
* Note to self: although you want to have birth photography done, do NOT watch entire slideshows of examples. It WILL freak you out.
* I am shooting 3 weddings the rest of the weekends in September. The photographers that I work for are having twins, and she was just put on bed rest. So I am taking over for her the next 3 Saturdays. It's days like that I wish I could still drink caffeine. I'm going to be TIRED!!!
* Speaking of tired, I have gone to bed at the average time of 9:30pm. I also take 2 naps during the day.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
First Appointment
August 22nd was the big day: our first doctor's appointment!
So, at the doctor, they did an transvaginal ultrasound. This is common now for early pregnancy detection. It's a lot more reliable and can show a lot more detail than a traditional on-the-stomach ultrasound. Let me tell you, that is a big ball of fun. When it wasn't mildly uncomfortable, it was outright awkward. Especially the part where she moved it this certain way and pressed on my bladder somehow and made me pee everywhere. Awesomeness. I guess those ultrasound techs have seen it all. And I guess I need to get over my embarrassment of having random things coming out of me at all times.
It was pretty amazing seeing that little chicken nugget, though. Seeing the little flutter of the heartbeat. I literally could have laid there all morning and watched it. As it was, it was over much too quickly. While she was doing checks of my ovaries, etc, she was taking pictures and measurements. They played a small moment of the heartbeat over the speakers--which Nick thinks is just an mp3 that they use to play for everyone. So romantic, that Nick.
When the doctor came in, she let me know that they found two cysts, one on each ovary. One of them is smaller (about 2cm), and liquid-filled, which is common, and will probably dissolve on its own. The other is larger (3.5cm), and solid. She said it can be any sort of things, like hair and teeth--and all of a sudden, I could not get the conversation from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" out of my head! Here it is, if you don't remember:
Anyway, after laughing hysterically to myself (and trying to remember that the doctor just told me about cysts, so I should probably not laugh out loud), I asked what that means. She said they would keep an eye on it each time they do an ultrasound. If I end up having a C-section, they will take it out, but it would be "more hassle than it is worth" to take it out now. But she isn't worried about it, so I shouldn't be, either.
All-in-all, the 1st appointment went well. The doctor's office was super-busy. And I don't feel like they did anything special for me, considering this is my first baby and all. We talked a little bit about delivery options (she wanted to know which hospital I was thinking of), and when I mentioned that I wanted to go as natural as possible, she suggested getting a midwife. There are several doulas at our church that I am going to talk to. Surprisingly, places like Family Beginnings Center at Miami Valley Hospital are really rare--there aren't ANY natural birthing centers in hospitals anywhere nearby. It kind of shocked me, since we are living in nature-baby central California, but we're also living in lawsuit central, so a lot of those places don't exist.
So, at the doctor, they did an transvaginal ultrasound. This is common now for early pregnancy detection. It's a lot more reliable and can show a lot more detail than a traditional on-the-stomach ultrasound. Let me tell you, that is a big ball of fun. When it wasn't mildly uncomfortable, it was outright awkward. Especially the part where she moved it this certain way and pressed on my bladder somehow and made me pee everywhere. Awesomeness. I guess those ultrasound techs have seen it all. And I guess I need to get over my embarrassment of having random things coming out of me at all times.
It was pretty amazing seeing that little chicken nugget, though. Seeing the little flutter of the heartbeat. I literally could have laid there all morning and watched it. As it was, it was over much too quickly. While she was doing checks of my ovaries, etc, she was taking pictures and measurements. They played a small moment of the heartbeat over the speakers--which Nick thinks is just an mp3 that they use to play for everyone. So romantic, that Nick.
When the doctor came in, she let me know that they found two cysts, one on each ovary. One of them is smaller (about 2cm), and liquid-filled, which is common, and will probably dissolve on its own. The other is larger (3.5cm), and solid. She said it can be any sort of things, like hair and teeth--and all of a sudden, I could not get the conversation from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" out of my head! Here it is, if you don't remember:
Anyway, after laughing hysterically to myself (and trying to remember that the doctor just told me about cysts, so I should probably not laugh out loud), I asked what that means. She said they would keep an eye on it each time they do an ultrasound. If I end up having a C-section, they will take it out, but it would be "more hassle than it is worth" to take it out now. But she isn't worried about it, so I shouldn't be, either.
All-in-all, the 1st appointment went well. The doctor's office was super-busy. And I don't feel like they did anything special for me, considering this is my first baby and all. We talked a little bit about delivery options (she wanted to know which hospital I was thinking of), and when I mentioned that I wanted to go as natural as possible, she suggested getting a midwife. There are several doulas at our church that I am going to talk to. Surprisingly, places like Family Beginnings Center at Miami Valley Hospital are really rare--there aren't ANY natural birthing centers in hospitals anywhere nearby. It kind of shocked me, since we are living in nature-baby central California, but we're also living in lawsuit central, so a lot of those places don't exist.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Telling Nick's Mom
We had sent Nick's mom the picture of us holding the ultrasound. Nick had teased her by saying that the doctor had found a couple of cysts, and we sent her some information that the doctor gave us. She didn't quite understand the picture at first, but then she figured it out, as you can tell.
Yes, we are mean that we made his mom think I had cancer at first. But she had been texting ALL DAY, non stop, and so we wanted to have it be some kind of a surprise. The cyst idea was Nick's.
Yes, we are mean that we made his mom think I had cancer at first. But she had been texting ALL DAY, non stop, and so we wanted to have it be some kind of a surprise. The cyst idea was Nick's.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Telling My Dad
After trying futilely for over a half-hour to Skype with Dad, I finally just speaker phoned a conversation with him. Sent him the picture from the previous entry, and he opened it while we were on the phone. It was so cute hearing the excitement in his voice!
Got this email in return from him shortly after:
"Great news! So many people will be excited with you when they find out. Mom and Mamaw and Grandpa got to find out first. Hope the sickness abates soon. Love, Dad/Gramps"
Telling Nick's mom tomorrow!
Got this email in return from him shortly after:
"Great news! So many people will be excited with you when they find out. Mom and Mamaw and Grandpa got to find out first. Hope the sickness abates soon. Love, Dad/Gramps"
Telling Nick's mom tomorrow!
Monday, August 20, 2012
7 Week Blues
Wish I could say I have been enjoying this pregnancy, but I really haven't. It's mainly because I feel like *%&$ all of the time. I know, I know, it will all be worth it. But I hate being on the edge of puking all the time. And losing my taste for all foods. And being constipated. And being tired. And feeling like a crappy wife because I don't have energy to do anything.
I try to stay positive, but I am in a funk. I just feel like I am in a permanent "bummed out" phase. My friends at church have noticed, and are trying to do things to make me feel better, but I just can't seem to get happy.
I'm really hoping this will change. I recognize that I am in a funk, but I can't seem to do anything to get out of it. I guess when the 7-week email said, "Expect moodiness", this is what it meant.
I try to stay positive, but I am in a funk. I just feel like I am in a permanent "bummed out" phase. My friends at church have noticed, and are trying to do things to make me feel better, but I just can't seem to get happy.
I'm really hoping this will change. I recognize that I am in a funk, but I can't seem to do anything to get out of it. I guess when the 7-week email said, "Expect moodiness", this is what it meant.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Entirely About Food
I could eat my weight in fruit. I have had more kiwi this week than I think I have had in the last 5 years.
The thought of red meat makes me nauseous.
I am craving cheese, which is sad, because it makes me break out.
I have found that if I eat consistently all day, then my nausea is lessened.
This is troublesome, because I know you're not supposed to be eating extra calories until your 2nd trimester.
Thankfully, I try to have my "extra food" be fruit. So thankful for the Sunday trips to the Farmer's Market.
Oh--and not food related, I am moody. Poor Nick.
The thought of red meat makes me nauseous.
I am craving cheese, which is sad, because it makes me break out.
I have found that if I eat consistently all day, then my nausea is lessened.
This is troublesome, because I know you're not supposed to be eating extra calories until your 2nd trimester.
Thankfully, I try to have my "extra food" be fruit. So thankful for the Sunday trips to the Farmer's Market.
Oh--and not food related, I am moody. Poor Nick.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
So Far.... (5 week update)
Someone said that the more side effects you have, the better it is for your baby's growth. Well, our little poppy seed is obviously hanging in there, because I have felt terrible this week!
*Never thought I would be this tired. Seriously, I could sleep 18 hours a day. A couple of times I have fallen asleep on the couch at 6:30.
*Hungry all the time.
*I think I am peeing 10 times a day.
*Ow, my boobs hurt (yeah, TMI).
*Nauseous all the time. No throwing up yet, but definitely nauseated.
No Mt. Dew for 9 months. I didn't really crave it my first week, but this second week is killer! I just want one taste!
I took another pregancy test this week, just to be sure. It still said pregnant--so weird!
I have been Googling random questions that pop into my head. Questions like, "Can I eat bacon while I am pregnant?" "Is cramping normal while pregnant?" and "What helps nausea?" I know I need to avoid Googling too much, but sometimes it's handy to get an answer right away.
Because of the nausea and the general feelings of ickiness, I haven't really done much of anything this week. I just can't seem to get up! And then I do, and I am SO TIRED a couple of hours (or minutes) later. It's kind of ridiculous. I have had off of work this week, and I have used the afternoons to take 1-3 hour naps. How old am I??
Our first doctor's appointment is August 22nd. I can't wait until that day! Nick asked if he should go. Umm...yeah!
Oh--and I started taking these horse pills. CRAZY!
*Never thought I would be this tired. Seriously, I could sleep 18 hours a day. A couple of times I have fallen asleep on the couch at 6:30.
*Hungry all the time.
*I think I am peeing 10 times a day.
*Ow, my boobs hurt (yeah, TMI).
*Nauseous all the time. No throwing up yet, but definitely nauseated.
No Mt. Dew for 9 months. I didn't really crave it my first week, but this second week is killer! I just want one taste!
I took another pregancy test this week, just to be sure. It still said pregnant--so weird!
I have been Googling random questions that pop into my head. Questions like, "Can I eat bacon while I am pregnant?" "Is cramping normal while pregnant?" and "What helps nausea?" I know I need to avoid Googling too much, but sometimes it's handy to get an answer right away.
Because of the nausea and the general feelings of ickiness, I haven't really done much of anything this week. I just can't seem to get up! And then I do, and I am SO TIRED a couple of hours (or minutes) later. It's kind of ridiculous. I have had off of work this week, and I have used the afternoons to take 1-3 hour naps. How old am I??
Our first doctor's appointment is August 22nd. I can't wait until that day! Nick asked if he should go. Umm...yeah!
Oh--and I started taking these horse pills. CRAZY!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
So, how did you tell Nick?
I let Nick sleep the morning I found out I was pregnant. I wanted a little bit of time to process it myself, but I also wanted time to implement my plan to tell Nick.
I had this idea for a LONG time--probably over a year.
Nick and I like to go Geocaching. It's basically a "treasure" hunt,where people hide these caches all over the country, and then put the GPS coordinates on a website for people to find. We have done geocaching all over the place, so I thought it would be fun to make a geocache for Nick to find announcing my pregnancy.
I thought about going to the actual website and registering the cache, so that if Nick decided to get out his phone, he would see it, but I didn't want to run the risk of anyone else finding it first (awkward), and I also didn't want it to show up under my name to tip him off. I figured I would tell him I had been to the geocaching site and looked up some locations (which I did).
After work, I went and hid the cache in the park close to our house, and then I went home and waited for Nick to get home. When he got home, I asked if he would take the dogs to the park with me. Thankfully, he said yes--I don't know what I would've done if he had said no!
When we got to the park, I told him I had looked up some geocaches, and it said there were 3 in the park. I told him were the two were that were actually registered, and told him about the extra one that I had put there. Then, he proceeds to get out his phone to check. GRR! Noo!!! He was like, "there are only 2 in this park." I had to try to play dumb without giving away my secret. Darn iPhone!!
We had the dogs in a part of the park away from the cache that I had planted because there was another dog there. I had to try to sneakily tell Nick to go to the right part of the park.
He kept arguing with me that there wasn't a cache listed in the location that I was saying. Inside, I was like, "I KNOW, you dork!" Finally, he was arguing so hard with me that I had to tell him that I had PUT one there. I said I had a surprise one for him.
I worried that he knew immediately what it was. But thankfully, he told me later that he didn't realize what it was until he opened it up and saw the letter. He thought it was cookies or something. :)
Finding the cache that would change his life!
Right after I stopped the video, he said, "Well, that will be fun." So overly emotional, that Nick. :)
We are parents!!
I had this idea for a LONG time--probably over a year.
Nick and I like to go Geocaching. It's basically a "treasure" hunt,where people hide these caches all over the country, and then put the GPS coordinates on a website for people to find. We have done geocaching all over the place, so I thought it would be fun to make a geocache for Nick to find announcing my pregnancy.
I thought about going to the actual website and registering the cache, so that if Nick decided to get out his phone, he would see it, but I didn't want to run the risk of anyone else finding it first (awkward), and I also didn't want it to show up under my name to tip him off. I figured I would tell him I had been to the geocaching site and looked up some locations (which I did).
After work, I went and hid the cache in the park close to our house, and then I went home and waited for Nick to get home. When he got home, I asked if he would take the dogs to the park with me. Thankfully, he said yes--I don't know what I would've done if he had said no!
When we got to the park, I told him I had looked up some geocaches, and it said there were 3 in the park. I told him were the two were that were actually registered, and told him about the extra one that I had put there. Then, he proceeds to get out his phone to check. GRR! Noo!!! He was like, "there are only 2 in this park." I had to try to play dumb without giving away my secret. Darn iPhone!!
We had the dogs in a part of the park away from the cache that I had planted because there was another dog there. I had to try to sneakily tell Nick to go to the right part of the park.
He kept arguing with me that there wasn't a cache listed in the location that I was saying. Inside, I was like, "I KNOW, you dork!" Finally, he was arguing so hard with me that I had to tell him that I had PUT one there. I said I had a surprise one for him.
I worried that he knew immediately what it was. But thankfully, he told me later that he didn't realize what it was until he opened it up and saw the letter. He thought it was cookies or something. :)
Finding the cache that would change his life!
Right after I stopped the video, he said, "Well, that will be fun." So overly emotional, that Nick. :)
We are parents!!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The first day of the rest of your life...
I made an appointment for the doctor today (Tuesday, July 31).
Why? Because this morning, I took a pregnancy test.
And it was positive.
I thought it was broken. My jaw dropped, and I was completely stunned into silence. It has been negative so many times before!
Taking
the test in and of itself was a fluke. I happened to notice that I was
on Day 34 of my cycle. Yes, I just happened to notice. This is because
typically I print out my chart, and the days are bigger, so when I get
to a certain point on the page, I know it's about time to start. But this month, I
just copied it from the back of the book, and the boxes are a lot
smaller--so I wasn't to that point of my page yet. Crazy, I know. But
for me to get to day 34 is pretty unusual. It's happened once before,
but that was when I was traveling, and my period came on day 36.
I had some pregnancy tests from a while ago, so I decided to take one on a whim. After all, I couldn't be pregnant.
But it's a digital test. And there was no denying what it said.
Then I realized, "these tests can produce a false positive if they're old. How old are these tests?"
I
checked the box, and they expired January 2012. So, I said to myself
that it explained the false positive. I had some other tests, so I
opened a new box (these were NOT expired), and took another one.
These
were not digital tests. These were the little blue lines. And that
little blue "pregnant" line was as blue as the California sky.
To be honest, my first thought wasn't happiness. My
first thought was that I wish I could tell my mom. This was a moment
that she dreamed about, and I wish I could have shared it with her. Then
I thought, how am I going to tell Nick? I went into our bedroom, and
just stared at him sleeping.
Does he
realize that everything about his world is about to change? What will
his reaction be? I have had an idea for telling him for a while. It
took ALL I had not to wake him up. But I guess part of me is still so
sure that it can't be real! I'm sitting on it for the day so that I
can carry out my plans.
The next thoughts I
had were about health. What should I be eating? (food) Should I continue
running? (I hope so) Will the Mountain Dew and bologna I ate yesterday
cause our kid to sprout two heads? (probably)
And
then I sank to my knees and cried. Cried out of relief and disbelief
and guilt (yes, you read that right) and happiness and confusion. It's
such a rush of so many different emotions, it's hard to put into words.
So I guess this "Baby Makin' Journey" has officially started! Stay safe, little poppy seed!
(We're not telling anyone quite yet. Just a few people--like you--so that you can pray. SO much can happen over the first couple of months, and we would like our little poppy seed to grow in my safe haven a little more before telling people.)
(We're not telling anyone quite yet. Just a few people--like you--so that you can pray. SO much can happen over the first couple of months, and we would like our little poppy seed to grow in my safe haven a little more before telling people.)
Friday, August 3, 2012
"Why haven't you gone to the doctor?"
It's been 2.5 years, and I am still not pregnant. So why am I not more concerned?
I
have been tracking my temperature for 9 months now. I see the trends. I
have a higher temperature, and then I have no temperature spike after
ovulation.
So why haven't I gone to see a doctor about this? Why haven't I taken steps that people normally take when they want a baby?
The unsatisfactory answer is, "I don't know."
Maybe I am scared.
Maybe I am just forgetful.
Maybe I am weary for the process that could be ahead.
Maybe it is because it is easier to not be a mom here in LA. I'm not the only non-mom.
Maybe
because I am completely content with where Nick and I are in our
relationship right now, and I know that a baby will completely change
that.
In my brain, I know that I should find
someplace and call. In my brain, I think, "tomorrow I will do it". And
then tomorrow comes, and I completely forget about it.
Should
that even be possible? Shouldn't I be wanting a baby so badly that I
think about it every second of the day? It should consume my thoughts,
right?
But it doesn't. I really only think
about it occasionally. Or when I call friends/family back home. It is
so easy here to get wrapped up in your daily life, and not think about
it.
In Ohio, I was much more consumed with
having a baby. I would get twinges inside me when I found out other
people were pregnant. But here, I don't get that. It's like that
ultra-strong desire has waned. I'm not sure what caused that. Is it just
because LA is an easier place to live without kids? People focused on
their careers, and so needing to have kids is not a high priority? Or
has that desire waned because God knew my heart needed a break? And so
He made it easier for me to handle this period of infertility?
Again,
many questions with no answers. I don't know why this is happening the
way that it is. I don't know why I am not motivated. I don't have an
answer that will satisfy many people. It's just how it is.
One
day I posted on Facebook, "Every day at work, I see one person that
makes me wonder why they can make babies and I can't," and I had a lot
of supportive and encouraging messages. It's amazing how many people
experience difficulty getting pregnant. It's a lot more common than I
first imagined.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tweet of the Day
Every day at work, I see at least one person that makes me wonder why they can procreate and I can't.
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