I've been struggling on whether I should/how I should write this. Because I have heard the responses to it so often. And I'm supposed to be happy. After all, I'm finally pregnant! But at the same time, this needs to be a place to journal my thoughts. My friend here in LA said that she used to journal on the hard days. I am going to want to know how I was feeling when I was pregnant. And, God forbid, if I never get to see my kids when they are pregnant, I want them to know what it was like for me. Because I have no idea what it was like for my mom to be pregnant, other than hearing her say several times that she loved being pregnant.
Right now, I don't understand that statement. Because I don't love being pregnant. In fact, it has been 11 weeks and 1 day of torture. Sick, tired, indigestion, depressed, hungry, nauseous, fat-feeling. I have felt all of these things on repeat and it has not been fun.
I'm also not excited right now to have a baby. I know I *should* be. I know I have waited all this time, and everyone else is excited, so I should be excited, but I'm not.
I think a big part of this is because of my job. I have not enjoyed nannying. I have tolerated it, but I have not enjoyed it on a consistent basis. So many people have said, "You're getting such great training!" What I want to say is that although it might have been great training in theory, I would much rather have been doing these difficult days with a fussing, screaming child with a baby that I LOVE unconditionally. Instead, I have done it with a child that I got to know as we went along, and to be honest, most of the time it just pissed me off. The first 3 months of my job were full of frustration and tears for me, and although it has improved since then, it has only been a marginal improvement. I just find myself getting more and more irritated with things (both that I have to deal with at nannying, and what I see just out-and-about), and thinking about having to deal with a newborn of my own is just overwhelmingly exhausting to think about.
I get irritated when I hear a screaming baby out in public, and then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and am going to have to deal with a screaming baby. I get frustrated when little man won't stop screaming in his crib for no reason at all other than he is mad--but then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and babies aren't logical, and I am going to have to deal with the same thing with my own kid. I can't function well or behave nicely if I don't get adequate sleep, and everyone keeps reminding me that I am not going to get any sleep after the baby is born, which just unnerves me. And although it is shallow and selfish, I look at my body and realize that it is never going to be the same (and is only going to get fatter), and I get sad.
(reading that paragraph back, it all sounds so selfish. but again--this is how I am feeling, selfishness and all. at the root of everything is my selfishness, and how this baby has gotten "in the way" of what I thought my life was going to do.)
It also seems like I am only hearing more and more of the frustrations that people have with their kids. People saying that newborns are hard work and no fun. People posting about the frustrating or irritating things that their kids are doing. It really discourages me as a pregnant mom, and almost makes me regret our decisions.
I know. I know all the retorts to this. "It's different with your own kids.""You'll feel differently when you're not sick all the time." "Babies are wonderful."
But those statements are little satisfaction to me these days. It's one of the reasons why I am quitting nannying. I need some time to be able to enjoy the fact that I am going to have a baby that is just me and Nick's. I need to be able to enjoy this time of being pregnant, and feeling my body change and appreciate that this is exactly as God has ordained it to be. That being a mom, and going through these changes, and dealing with these conflicting emotions is completely normal. And when I am getting frustrated daily by a baby, it's not so good for my level of understanding, or my excitement level.
I am happy when I read about other moms who have been sick or depressed their first trimester, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. But I worry that I AM alone in my not being 100% behind this baby right now. Can I just give birth to a well-behaved 8-year old? Because I could deal with that. 8-year olds I get. 8-day olds I don't.
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