Letter to Baby

Dear Baby,

Sitting here in an airplane and dreaming of you. I just read a beautiful book called "Safe Haven", by Nicholas Sparks. In it, there is a character named Jo, who made me think of your Nana, who was my mom.

Nana has been on my mind a lot lately. Being pregnant with you has been a joy (well, most of the time. I will admit, it wasn't fun feeling sick for the first few months), but there is a tinge of sadness, as well, knowing that you will never be able to know Nana.

This makes me more sad than you will know. Your Nana was an incredible lady. She was full of courage and grace, questions and confidence. She loved family and friends, and she anticipated the day that she would get to meet you with such clarity. If you are a girl, you will be named Jeanne after her (her middle name was Jeanne, too).  The character of Jo in the book was a guide for the main character, Katie. She helped Katie to realize some things about her life that were missing. Your Nana did the same thing for me. She was a great source of wisdom. She helped me to make decisions, and helped to challenge me to do even greater things than I had planned for myself.

If I could change one thing about my life, it would be for you to get a chance to get to know Nana. To be held in her arms, to sing with her, to feel her hands as they caressed your face, to see the look in her eyes as she intently listened to whatever you had to say. The best thing that I can tell you is that I try to be like her in the best ways possible. My hands and Nana's hands are the same. I wear her ring as a reminder of what a beautiful love she and Papaw shared together. I have a tattoo of the word "strength" on my wrist as a reminder of the strength and focus that she exhibited through difficult times. I have Nana's laugh and mannerisms. And although you never got to see them yourself, you can watch me and see parts of Nana in me.  I promise to do my best to let you know all the time how much your Nana loved you, and how much she cared for you, even before you were born.

I think about Nana a lot, just as much as I think of you. She was so excited to be a grandma, even though she knew she might never get the chance to see you. You see, Nana was sick for a long time. In fact, the first time she got sick with cancer, I was only 11. We didn't know if Nana was going to live for very long. But she prayed that she would be able to see me and your Aunt Ashley graduate from high school. And God answered her prayers! Then, she prayed that God would let her see me and Aunt Ashley graduate from college…and God answered that prayer, too! Then, she prayed for God to let her see me and Aunt Ashley get married…and she walked down the aisle when I married your daddy, and when Ashley married Uncle Brandon. She then prayed that God would let her see her grand babies. And although her sickness took her to Heaven before she got to meet you, I know that she was smiling down from Heaven when God put you in my womb. In fact, Jesus probably told her about you before I even knew! Although God didn't answer Nana's prayer the way that we would have wanted Him to, His ways are perfect. And if the day comes when you ask Jesus into your heart, then you can know that one day you WILL get to meet Nana face-to-face--in Heaven!

Until that day, you will have to settle for stories and pictures and memories that we have of Nana. Your Papaw loves to talk about Nana--if you ever want to know what she was like, you can ask him, or me, or Aunt Ashley, or any of your other relatives. Because everyone loved Nana, and everyone misses her very much.

Dreaming of you,

Mommy