i wish...

I wish my mom was here.

i wish i could tell her how hard this is.

i wish i could call her when i cry, which is often.

i wish i could tell her that there are moments where i love avonlea, and moments where i really dont like her.
there are even moments where i wish they would take her back.

i wish i could ask her about breastfeeding.

i wish i could tell her how much it hurts. how avonlea doesn't latch on right; how she flattens my nipples down like pancakes, and how i have sores and it feels like her tongue is an ice pick.

i wish she were here to tell me that giving avonlea a bottle today to supplement my nursing was ok (and not satan's suggestion) after she wouldn't stop crying after feeding for over an hour, and the thought of her latching on to me made me cry in fear.

i wish i could hear her tell me everything is okay.

i wish i could hear her making helpful suggestions out of love, and asking me just the right questions so i know what i really want.

i wish she could make me her beef tips and noodles with a side of mashed potatoes, and not serve them with judgement for my thighs.

i wish she were here to look at me even with the dark circles under my eyes, and a jiggly belly, and a 7-inch scar, and bruises everywhere, and tell me how beautiful i look anyways, holding her granddaughter.

i wish she could tell me about when i was a baby, and how horrible i made life for her, so that it would make me feel better when avonlea is screaming.

i wish she could read all the parenting books with me and laugh off all the ridiculous suggestions.

i wish she could hold avonlea and sing to her the way she did with me.

to these, and so many more, i miss you, momma.