The Dichotomy of Motherhood

(Photo courtesy of my obliging hubby)

Motherhood is this strange dichotomy.

A constant push-and-pull between the needs of the present and the desires of the future.  For me, the needs of the present shout and cry and wave their petulant fists: "I need to do the dishes (because we are completely out)! I need to pack up the house! I need to take a shower! I need to get some SLEEEEEP!"  The shouting is usually when she is refusing naps, or not going to sleep at bedtime. (The crying occurs in the 3am hour.)

But at the same time, my knowledge of the desires of the future are like little whispers: "The dishes can wait. She's only small for so long. You'll miss this some day. Look at her little fingers holding onto your shirt. Listen to her little breaths. She won't let you do this when she's 12, or 16, or 25. Embrace it now."

So I hold her a little longer tonight. I watch her little chest rise and fall, watch her eyelids shudder as she begins a night of dreams. I know this time is so short. Tonight, I think of the future, and leave the dishes for later.

Grr....Arrgh

I have been trying to put Aria to sleep for the last hour and a half. She has been crying off and on that whole time.

See this girl?

She no longer exists.

She has been replaced with a she-wolf who acts like she needs no sleep yet cries like a banshee when she doesn't get it.

She has literally changed her sleep behaviors 180 degrees since she was 0-3 months old.

0-3 Months

• Would sleep anywhere--on my chest, in our bed, on the floor, on a chair, in her swing, in her rocker--except her car seat, where she would scream.
• Took 34 naps a day (or, more accurately, was awake a total of 3 hours a day).
• Did not need any special blankets/swaddles/sound machines/pacifiers
• Slept 5-7 hour stretches at night
• Could be laid down and fall asleep without any interventions

Currently (almost 6 months)

• Only sleeps in her car seat.
• Wants to take 3 naps a day, but will only really take one--maybe two if I'm lucky. Depending on car rides for extra naps.
• It's sleep machine plus sleep sack or no sleep. Really only wants to sleep in our bed, but we've been working on moving her to the crib. It isn't going well.
• Sleeping 2.5-3 hour stretches at night
• If she falls asleep with the pacifier in, God help us if it falls out.
• Averaging a 35 minute go-to-sleep intervention, involving nursing, rocking, shushing, crying it out (completely ineffective), laying in our bed, laying in her bed, pacifier, no pacifier, tag-teaming with Dad, tagging back to Mom, falling asleep and then putting her down and having her wake up to have to do it all over again.

I seriously HATE this. After the 1.25 hour mark tonight, I just said "goodnight" to the screaming baby, closed the door and had to leave. I was SO PISSED OFF.  Just &(^^@(*ing sleep already, kid. You're pissing me off.  Nick went in and got her to sleep finally. (Thank you, husband!)

THIS is why I don't want any more kids. THIS is why I cried big bucket tears when we found out we were having another one. I didn't want to have to go through this AGAIN. Yes, babies are cute and snuggly and have squishy cheeks and pinchable thighs, but the incessant sleep training/loss/nonexistence is enough to make a woman go crazy. I need this kid to go to bed at 7pm. If she doesn't, then that's just more time in the day where she is latched on to me. And I completely love my kids, but if I don't get a good, solid 2 hours away from them before I go to bed, I become a bad mom.

(Edited to add: her first tooth pushed through yesterday, and it is a full moon--which might explain the last two nights--but not the three weeks prior to this.)

Before I had a kid, I was an idiot.

Before I had a kid, I was an idiot.

I wasn't stupid. After all, I got a decent score on my ACTs. I graduated with an acceptable GPA from my high school and college. I graduated from grad school with a 4.0. I have fun impressing people with my Jeopardy! knowledge. I'm a smart girl.

But I was an idiot.

That's the only way I can figure how I would think I had any reasonable idea as to what to expect when I had my own living, breathing human being to take care of day in and day out. "I'm not going to do that." "My kid won't do that." "My baby will be doing this."  Blah, blah, blah, fishcakes.

I wrote recently about how I don't feel like I will ever really have the parenting thing down. I get one thing together, and something else inevitably falls apart.

But these days, I feel like every. single. thing. I am doing is screwed up in some way...and it is my fault.

See, I thought that in order to be a "good mom", I had to do it all. Well, maybe not do it all, but try to do it all right.  Keep the house clean, keep the kid clean, breastfeed exclusively, get her on a schedule, make sure she sleeps in her own bed, don't worry about giving her solid foods until she's 6 months, get dinner on the table every night, yadda, yadda, yadda. Every single thing I was doing I was doing it as well as I could, but also simultaneously feeling like I was doing it wrong.

We have 2 dogs, and one saying that we tried to maintain throughout the puppy years was, "If you don't want the dog doing _____ when they're 150 pounds, don't let them do it when they're 15 pounds."  So, Waldo and Gus don't get on the couch. They get in and out of the car and the bathtub without help. They sit when they come in the house if it's raining, so that I can wipe off their paws.

I feel like with Avonlea, I've screwed up so much, and I've made things so hard on myself. She's a figurative 150lb dog that I didn't train right when she was 15lbs.

I worked so hard on breastfeeding that now, she will only eat from me. She spits out anything with texture, so she doesn't get any nutrients from "real food", and I am wasting tons of money on baby food that she eats one or two bites from. I also feed her before putting her down for a nap, or down for bed at night, so now she will scream if she doesn't get fed before bed.  Know who that messes up? Definitely not the little munchkin happily fed and sleeping in her bed.

I was lazy in the beginning, and once I found out she wasn't going to take a bottle anymore, I didn't press the issue. I didn't work with her to take a bottle. So now she doesn't take one. She does do a sippy cup and a cup with a straw, but I have never tried feeding her with that before putting her to bed. I never tried to have Nick feed her before putting her to bed. So now I am the one who has to put her to bed every night.

Avonlea still only sleeps in 2-3 hour stretches at night. I know I should sleep train her. I do. I have all of this guilt that she's keeping Nick up and he has to work and I get mad because I just want to stinking sleep already, but my boobs hurt if she goes really long between feedings because she eats every 2 hours at night that I just get up and feed her and she goes right back to sleep. And if I don't feed her then she screams for 1.5 hours, or maybe more but I don't know because by that time I lose my mind and just get up and feed her. So now I have a 10.5 month old who gets up at least 3 times every night and so I can't go do anything past 10pm because my kid will wake up and want to eat. Nick and I have tickets to see my favorite musical group on Sunday, and it's going to be a train wreck (pretty sure I can't convince them to only have the concert between 7 and 10pm).

My baby is a sweet, adorable, snuggly pair of handcuffs, and it is all my fault.

I'm already saying, "Oh, I'm going to do things so differently with the next kid," and then I stop myself and think, "Next kid? Oh, #*#& no!"

How It's Going

A week ago, I posted that I was through with fighting with Avonlea and the swaddle. I was tired of her writhing in uncomfortability all night long, and I was through.

I am happy to say that a week later, she is done with the swaddle!  During naps, I wrap her up in a muslin blanket from the waist down, and at night I put her in a sleep sack.

I wish I could say it is great sleep all the time. But I would say she's about 50/50.

Yesterday, for instance, was golden. She took a 45 minute nap in the morning, a 3 hour nap in the afternoon, and then went to bed without a peep at 8pm. She slept 3-3.5 hour stretches overnight.

Today, however, she took a 3 hour nap at 11, and then was exhausted but would not nap in the afternoon. She then cried for an hour before finally falling asleep at 9pm.

This is what's it's been like all week. She'll have a great sleeping day, and then the next day will be terrible. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason about it. It's frustrating. I am surprised at how much harder it is to sleep-train your kid, as opposed to someone else's.

Part of her problem might be the transitioning we've done.  We not only transitioned her out of the swaddle, but last night was the first night that she slept in her own room.

She isn't in her crib yet--we actually just bought the mattress today. We moved her pack-n-play into her room last night, and put her to bed. She napped in her room today. I think we'll do another day or two with her pack-n-play in her room, and then put her bed in there for the final transition.

It was a bittersweet moment putting her to bed away from us.  Don't get me wrong: it was time. I was tired of all the car noise waking her up, or the dogs waking her up, or her waking me up every time she moved. I am glad the nightlight is out of our room, so it's not shining in my eyes anymore. I'm glad I can turn on my bedside light again and actually do a little night reading if I want. I'm glad if I get up and go to the bathroom I can turn the light on. I'm glad I can sleep with the draperies open again.

But there's a (very) little part of me that's sad that I'm not going to be able to just crawl to the end of the bed to watch her sleep, or to soothe her.  She's had her first graduation of many to come, and I am both proud and sad--a feeling I know will become all too familiar over time.

No More of This!!!

Last night was my breaking point.

Avonlea was up every hour or two throughout the night, writhing and crying out in her uncomfortable cry. I tried several different swaddlings, and she was breaking out or trying to break out of everything I did.

Finally, at about 4am, I took her into the family room and stuck her in the swing where she slept for 3 hours, and I was able to get some sleep.

I can't do this anymore. So, today started the "sleep without a swaddle" training. It took her 45 minutes to fall asleep during her nap today, but then she slept for 2 hours out of the swaddle.

Tonight, she was EXHAUSTED. I put her in a sleep sack, and she fell asleep within 5 minutes. But we'll see how long she stays asleep.

Of course, I can't sleep now.

My Little Mogwai

You know the movie Gremlins, right?  Kid buys this cute little Mogwai named Gizmo, with strict instructions not to get it wet or feed it after midnight, but there's an accident and Gizmo gets hit by water and produces MORE Mogwai who trick the kid into feeding them after midnight and they turn into Gremlins that terrorize the neighborhood?

I think my kid is a Mogwai.

Let me explain:

My girl is too big for the Miracle Blanket now. She's been able to get her arms out every night over the last week (she is The Hulk, I'm telling you!). So, I went to Target yesterday and bought 2 new LARGE SwaddleMe blankets (the ones with the Velcro). At this point, we have done the regular swaddle blankets (from Aden+Anais), the SwaddleMe, the Woombie, and the Miracle Blanket.  Now we're back to the SwaddleMe.

Last night:

8:15pm - Fed right before bed, then down to sleep (went down with less than 3 minutes of fussing--our nighttime routine is great).

10:30pm - Mommy just asleep, Avonlea wakes up, fighting out of her swaddle and fussing. Tried to shush her back to sleep, but she just got more and more worked up. Fed her again, fell right to sleep.

12:30am - Avonlea wakes up with both arms out of her swaddle. Wrapped her in her swaddle again, then zipped her up in the Woombie (yes, that's TWO swaddles at once). Fed her again, went right to sleep.

3:30am - Avonlea wakes up, fighting her swaddles. Fed her for a really short amount of time before she fell asleep "on the boob".

5:30am - Avonlea has managed to get one little hand up and out of both her swaddle AND the Woombie, and is scratching the craziness out of her ear (she does this when she's mad--she has cuts inside her ear from it) and yelling at me.  Re-wrap her, change her diaper, feed and put back to sleep.

7:45am - Avonlea in and out of light sleep, fighting her swaddle...again.  She has fought so much that she has inched herself up in the pack-n-play so that her head is right up against the top. I let her fuss for a while before getting her up at 8am to eat.

Can you see why I am exhausted?  This happens EVERY. NIGHT.  My little girl who slept for a 5- or 6-hour stretch, ate, then slept 3-4 hours has disappeared, and I am left with this awful Mogwai instead.  I KNOW she doesn't need to eat this often. In fact, most of the time, she spits up after eating. But I don't know how else to shush her. It would be great if she took a paci, because she could get that suck reflex soothed. But NOOOO, my girl won't take one. So I am stuck being the paci.

If my daughter jumps into a swimming pool without my knowledge, be worried.  (Gremlins reference, for those uninformed.)

Mommy Question

The past few days, Avonlea has been sleeping all the time, and eating less.  For example, two nights ago, she went to bed at 8pm. Got up at midnight to eat, 5 to eat, and woke up for good at 8. She went back down for a nap from 9-10:30 (I know she's ready for a nap, because she screams bloody murder and won't eat), was ready for a nap again at noon (but we went to the store instead). When we got home she went back to sleep from 1:30-4, then again from 5:30-7. She went to bed at 8:30.  Overnight feedings have been longer, but during the day she is only eating from one side at a time, maybe for 10 minutes max (usually more around 5 minutes). Sometimes I can come back and get her to eat from the other side after a half hour or so, but it is killing me!  I can chalk it up a little bit to her getting more productive. But it seems like 5 minutes is pretty short.

Last night, I was so full that my stream was choking her it was coming out so fast!  Plus, she was getting a lot more than her tummy could handle, and she had major vomits--once all over me when I was putting her back to bed, the other this morning and soaked through everything she was wearing, and all the sheets.

Usually, if I'm super full I wake up and can pump a little bit to ease my supply for her, but I haven't the past couple of nights, and when Avonlea wakes up, she is ready to eat NOW.

Anyway--is this extra sleep but minimal eating normal?  Or should I be concerned?

Growing Up and Moving On

Four weeks ago, I couldn't breastfeed away from the house without it being a major production.

Avonlea was stuck using the nipple shield. I couldn't feed without using my Brest Friend, or a pillow. The thought of getting on a plane was terrifying. TERRIFYING, I tell you!

Thank God for His help. I mean, seriously.

We went to Ohio, and I was determined not to use the shield while we were there. Do you know how immensely frustrating that dumb thing is??  

First, it took a specific technique to get it on. Then, Avonlea has her hands in front of her face all the time, so she would hit it off. If I was lucky, it would land on my lap, but most of the time it went on the floor, so I would have to wash it (or, just blow on it to get the dog hair off--let's be real here, if the baby is screaming to eat, I'm just going to do whatever gets the job done the fastest).  She took forever to eat with it, because the milk doesn't come out fast enough. It was MESSY. The thing would leak down underneath and soak my bra (which would then soak the shirt I was wearing), and I'm thinking, "my precious liquid gold is soaking my cheap shirt!"  After she was done eating, I would have to clean her up and myself, and then wash the dumb shield.  More recently, I would also have to wash it again before using it, because it would cloud up and have some weird filmy substance on it. GRR. ARGH.

So, I determined not to use it. And the entire time I was in Ohio, we didn't use it once. I had them packed with me, just in case, and once I actually had it in my hand once during a feeding, but I never had to put it on, and I haven't used it since.  *cue Hallelujah Chorus*

It's amazing the things that Avonlea is learning and growing out of.  She only "feral cat cries" when she's crazy tired or crazy hungry now.  I don't need the Brest Friend to feed her (in fact, since coming back from Ohio, I have only used it twice).  I packed up all her newborn and 0-3month clothes. Today we moved from size 1 diapers to size 2.  And she is growing out of the swaddle, too. The first couple of days back from Ohio, she fought her way out of it repeatedly (but didn't sleep well).

Then today, she kept fussing during her nap, and I went in and undid the swaddle. I had a crazy need to go to the bathroom right then, so I left her in the pack-n-play, and she fell asleep with her arms out.

To be completely honest, I am so glad. Yes, I know I should be sad that she will never be super little again, and I should be sad I won't have my little newborn anymore.  And there's a small part of me that is sad (a very small part).  But that phase of her life was SO. HARD.  I didn't really enjoy much of it, and I'm glad we're moving on from it.  I love that she's reactive to me. I love that I understand all of her cues (or, at least most of them). I love that she's needing less and less "stuff" when she's sleeping. I love that I feel more on top of things, at least for the moment.  I'm not constantly worrying and questioning and fearing. I am feeling more confident, and that I am able to give Avonlea the best of me instead of what is left over.

New Post!

It seems like there's so much to write about, I can't think of anything to write.

Bullet points seem to serve me well, even though they're not much fun to read.

The other day, I went into our room while Avonlea was sleeping (she sleeps in the pack-n-play in our room), and I just stared at her and cried.  Because with all of the craziness that we have endured, we have come out the other side in a better place. Though I know we'll have hard days (the previous entry is proof of that), I am crazy in love with my daughter.  I kiss her sweet head and snuggle her close on my shoulder (since she doesn't like snuggling on my chest), and inhale her sweet scent.  She makes me laugh with her funny faces, and I look at her in wonder when she is discovering the world for the first time.

She's still fussy a lot. It's not during a consistent time of the day, so I'm thinking it's diet-related. She is still 100% breastmilk--yay! She eats with the nipple shield, which I think is adding more air into her system, so I'm working on weaning her off it. It's hard, though, with her eating off of the shield for 2/3 of her life! Today she has eaten half of her meals off of the shield, so I think we'll get there. Also, in the last few weeks I added dairy back into my diet, but I think it's messing with her stomach. I bought some of the "Little Tummys" drops, and they seem to help, but I'm also going to go back to no dairy to see if it improves her mood.

She continues to be a great sleeper. She'll sleep 4-5 hours during the day (either 2 "shorter" naps, or 1 long nap). She'll go to bed between 9 and 10pm, get up around 3am to eat, and then get up between 7 and 8am.  She has gone as long as 7.5 hours once (and my boobs were READY for her to eat that time!), but usually she'll have a longer stretch (like, from 9:30 to 3:30), then a shorter stretch (from 4:15 to 7). But again, NO COMPLAINTS from me, as I know a lot of babies don't sleep at all.  But I remember praying that she would sleep well because I don't do well on little sleep.

Here's her evening sleep setup:

Swaddled, spit-up rag under her, covered with a quilt from Aunt Sharon (we sleep with the windows open, and it can get chilly), iPad playing white noise.

Nick's friends from high school were here last weekend. I took Avonlea with us to Rodeo Drive and the Santa Monica Pier. Here are Avonlea and I at the corner of Rodeo Drive and Dayton Way. Appropriate, right?  :)

Avonlea has become a fan of the Moby wrap. The only problem with it is that it is so THICK and HOT! I swear my body temperature has been permanently screwed up. I get so hot all the time. I think I'm going to make my own Moby wrap out of linen--I found a tutorial on Pinterest. I'd love to do a ring sling, but they are more complicated to make--and I can't afford to buy one!