Time to Wean

So, I am ready to wean Avonlea.

That was the beginning of a blog post I started a few weeks ago, but wasn't really sure how to continue.

All 4 of Avonlea's front top teeth came in during the month of June, and she was REALLY hurting me when she nursed. Combined with the fact that she was still getting up 2 or more times a night, I was done.

I just wasn't sure of the best way to do it.

I posted a question on a Facebook group about how to help with the teeth hurting problem, and got a few suggestions that I tried. But, none of them really helped longer than one feeding. I tried latching and re-latching, but that only seemed to frustrate Avonlea and make her cry.  But, her night feedings were only making ME cry...in pain!

About a week ago, she was down to 4 feedings: 2 during the day (one before her nap, and one before going to bed), and 2 overnight.  She didn't need to nurse to sleep--I had tested that theory out a few times by nursing her an hour or so before her nap, and she went down to sleep okay.  Nursing was still incredibly painful, so I started the blog post to try to ask advice. I just didn't really know where to start to get rid of the final nursing sessions we were doing.

So, I decided, at least for the overnight feedings, to try a technique I had read about: start with 60 seconds on each side, and every night, take 5 seconds away.  And wouldn't you know, she started weaning herself off of the night feedings pretty quickly.  (I think spending an entire day at Disney with only a 30-minute nap helped that, too.) The past few nights, she has only gotten up once at night. Last night, we were down to 20 seconds on each side, and she didn't really eat anything either time.

I ended up posting a quick question on Facebook two nights ago, asking what people did when they weaned their little ones.

Well, wouldn't you know, she started weaning herself right after I asked the question. In the last 2 days, she has only nursed twice. Last night, she refused to nurse before going to bed--a first in her lifetime.  Of course, she screamed and cried for a while, but she wouldn't take nursing for comfort, which was definitely something new.

I did try some whole milk yesterday, which was comedy gold. The face she made was outrageously funny. Needless to say, she wasn't a fan. I'll try it a couple more times, but honestly, if she doesn't take to cow milk, I will be fine with that. (It's one of the few health things that makes sense to me. After all, what is cow milk originally used for? Growing baby COWS. As in, humongous bovine creatures!! If she doesn't drink it, that is fine by me.)

All of the nursing things would not be possible if she hadn't FINALLY learned how to eat food. I didn't feel comfortable trying to wean her before, because she couldn't seem to figure out how to eat any solids. She was so distrusting of me, and wouldn't put anything in her mouth that I was offering, and eating from a spoon was truly hit-and-miss. It ended up being that I had to paint her lips with whatever I was offering so that she would even try to taste it--and if she liked it after that taste, she would eat a TINY bit.  But, about a month ago, right around the time all her top teeth broke through the surface, she finally seemed to "get it".  It started with thin slices of deli turkey and mashed avocado, continued with nearly an entire bowl of pasta and tomato sauce, and hasn't stopped since. She will now at least try everything I offer her, and will eat nearly everything. This has made my confidence in weaning her that much stronger, because I know she can at least get enough calories to support herself without my breastmilk.

What I think is a little funny is that I'm not really emotional about not breastfeeding Avonlea anymore. It has been such a DRAMATIC UNDERTAKING for the two of us, I'm mostly just glad it is almost over. And the fact that she's weaning herself means that I don't need to feel guilty that I'm withholding the important life juice from her (thanks, kellymom, for that one). She's ready to move on, and God knows I have been ready for her to move on for months now.

I'm worried that I'm speaking a little too soon, but I'm just going to continue to not offer breastmilk, and hopefully it will continue to go well at night.

Before I had a kid, I was an idiot.

Before I had a kid, I was an idiot.

I wasn't stupid. After all, I got a decent score on my ACTs. I graduated with an acceptable GPA from my high school and college. I graduated from grad school with a 4.0. I have fun impressing people with my Jeopardy! knowledge. I'm a smart girl.

But I was an idiot.

That's the only way I can figure how I would think I had any reasonable idea as to what to expect when I had my own living, breathing human being to take care of day in and day out. "I'm not going to do that." "My kid won't do that." "My baby will be doing this."  Blah, blah, blah, fishcakes.

I wrote recently about how I don't feel like I will ever really have the parenting thing down. I get one thing together, and something else inevitably falls apart.

But these days, I feel like every. single. thing. I am doing is screwed up in some way...and it is my fault.

See, I thought that in order to be a "good mom", I had to do it all. Well, maybe not do it all, but try to do it all right.  Keep the house clean, keep the kid clean, breastfeed exclusively, get her on a schedule, make sure she sleeps in her own bed, don't worry about giving her solid foods until she's 6 months, get dinner on the table every night, yadda, yadda, yadda. Every single thing I was doing I was doing it as well as I could, but also simultaneously feeling like I was doing it wrong.

We have 2 dogs, and one saying that we tried to maintain throughout the puppy years was, "If you don't want the dog doing _____ when they're 150 pounds, don't let them do it when they're 15 pounds."  So, Waldo and Gus don't get on the couch. They get in and out of the car and the bathtub without help. They sit when they come in the house if it's raining, so that I can wipe off their paws.

I feel like with Avonlea, I've screwed up so much, and I've made things so hard on myself. She's a figurative 150lb dog that I didn't train right when she was 15lbs.

I worked so hard on breastfeeding that now, she will only eat from me. She spits out anything with texture, so she doesn't get any nutrients from "real food", and I am wasting tons of money on baby food that she eats one or two bites from. I also feed her before putting her down for a nap, or down for bed at night, so now she will scream if she doesn't get fed before bed.  Know who that messes up? Definitely not the little munchkin happily fed and sleeping in her bed.

I was lazy in the beginning, and once I found out she wasn't going to take a bottle anymore, I didn't press the issue. I didn't work with her to take a bottle. So now she doesn't take one. She does do a sippy cup and a cup with a straw, but I have never tried feeding her with that before putting her to bed. I never tried to have Nick feed her before putting her to bed. So now I am the one who has to put her to bed every night.

Avonlea still only sleeps in 2-3 hour stretches at night. I know I should sleep train her. I do. I have all of this guilt that she's keeping Nick up and he has to work and I get mad because I just want to stinking sleep already, but my boobs hurt if she goes really long between feedings because she eats every 2 hours at night that I just get up and feed her and she goes right back to sleep. And if I don't feed her then she screams for 1.5 hours, or maybe more but I don't know because by that time I lose my mind and just get up and feed her. So now I have a 10.5 month old who gets up at least 3 times every night and so I can't go do anything past 10pm because my kid will wake up and want to eat. Nick and I have tickets to see my favorite musical group on Sunday, and it's going to be a train wreck (pretty sure I can't convince them to only have the concert between 7 and 10pm).

My baby is a sweet, adorable, snuggly pair of handcuffs, and it is all my fault.

I'm already saying, "Oh, I'm going to do things so differently with the next kid," and then I stop myself and think, "Next kid? Oh, #*#& no!"

A Typical Day

My New Year's Resolution was to write more often, and here it is the beginning of February, and I think I have written less.

Part of the reason is that I am enjoying my girl. This week she has napped much less than normal, so I have been spending more time with her during the day. This is great, because with as much as she usually naps, I don't feel like I get enough time with her. Isn't that crazy? I see her all day, but I still feel like I don't see her enough.

Another reason is that to be honest, a lot of our days are kind of similar.  Here's a typical day:

7:30am - Avonlea is up for the day. I bring her into our bed with a couple of toys (or a box of tissues or a water bottle will suffice, too). She'll hang out in bed with us while I either read my Facebook feed or Instagram for a few minutes, or try to catch a few more zz's.

8:15am - By this time (at the latest), I am up for the day, making breakfast for she and I. I have also started making lunches for Nick, since we're on a budget and he can't go out to eat every day anymore. Avonlea eats solids at her high chair in the doorway to the kitchen while I make food.

9:00am - Avonlea is usually ready for her morning nap. I breastfeed her, then she goes down for anywhere between an hour and two-and-a-half hours (if I'm lucky).

While Avonlea is napping - do laundry, dishes, clean family room, check emails/FB, watch a couple of YouTube vids. I am trying not to be on the phone or on the computer while Avonlea is awake.

Whenever she gets up (usually 11:00am) - Playtime! She has a basket of toys that we get out, and she sits on the floor playing with me. These days, it is a little bit of playing, and a whole lot of crawling around the living room, exploring new areas she has only been able to look at for 9.5 months.

12:00pm - Usually in the afternoon we'll go to the park, or go to the library and the park. I pack a lunch while Avonlea is napping, and we'll go sit there for an hour or so. Avonlea loves the library already, which makes me so happy. On non-library days, we'll run errands during the afternoon.  I feed Avonlea solids at the park, or while we're out.

1:30 or 2:00pm - Avonlea is ready for her afternoon nap. I breastfeed her, then she goes down again for an hour or two. Though, this week, she has taken either the morning OR the afternoon nap, not both. Hopefully this is just temporary--I'm not ready for her to give up her two nap schedule yet!!

Whenever she gets up (usually 4:00pm) - Playtime! Usually at this point of the day, she is tired of her toys, so we play games together. She LOVES to dance and sing, so we'll do that for a while. She also loves to be tickled and she loves to play with my face, so we'll sit eye-to-eye for a while and just chat.  After a little while, we're just in survive-until-Daddy-gets-home mode. :)  I'll feed Avonlea solids again around 5 while I'm getting dinner ready.

6:00pm - Bathtime when Daddy gets home, or just hang out with Daddy while Mommy finishes dinner.

6:30pm - Depending on how her afternoon nap went, she'll either be ready for bed now or at 7, so I do bedtime routine. I breastfeed her before she goes to sleep.

10 or 11pm - Avonlea gets up to breastfeed.

2:00am - Breastfeed
5:30am - Breastfeed
7:30am - Start the next day!

Pretty much this is what every day looks like, which is why blogging is kind of a last-on-my-mind thing. Other than detailing her developmental changes (of which there are a lot), I don't have a lot to say. Or, I do have a lot to say, but I don't think about writing it down. *sigh* New mommy problems.

Scheduling note: Yes, she is still getting up several times at night to eat (last night, it was every 2 hours). I think I need to breastfeed her more during the day, so she's getting more daytime calories, but if I feed her more during the day, I feel like I'm feeding her all. the. time (either solids or breast milk). Hmm...

My High-Maintenance Girl

(This post is very whiny. I'm sorry. But this is where I document, and whiny is what I am today.)

I love my daughter. I really do.  But MAN she is turning out to be high-maintenance!

She can't sleep without being swaddled, but she wakes up every couple of hours, frustrated with being in a swaddle.
She can't be swaddled in a blanket, because she fights her way out of it.
She can't be swaddled in the (expensive) Woombie I bought, because she can move her arms too much.
She doesn't fit in any of the SwaddleMe blankets we have, and the one she does fit in doesn't velcro shut very well, so she pops out of it all the time--and then wakes up.
She is frustrated by the (expensive) Miracle Blanket I just bought.
Oh--and she won't fall asleep on me, which would be a sweet alternative.

She doesn't like to be put down.
She has to be facing out (like in the pic above), or up high on my chest, looking over my shoulder.
She does not like the Moby wrap.
She does not like the Ergo carrier.
She does not like the Baby Bjorn (when she is facing me).
She will only ride in a carrier if she is facing out.

She hates the car seat now. She will scream and cry if it is still. If we are holding it and moving it around, she does not cry, but as soon as we snap it into the car, the yelling starts.
The days of her 4 hour epic naps in the car seat are over. I used to be able to go somewhere and get her to fall asleep in her car seat and then bring her home and put her in her bed. Those days are no more.

She will not take a bottle. She will not take a paci.
I have tried 4 different bottles and 3 different pacis.
I try every day to get her to take a paci. Nothing.
The only way she eats anything if I am not home to breastfeed is if milk is dripped out of the bottle into her mouth. The last time I went out on a date, my sitter was able to get her an ounce that way.

She has around 30 seconds of quiet tummy time. After that, it is fussing and crying, and then screaming. I try to break it up by doing some rolling practice. The physical therapist said she needs as much tummy time as possible, because her head is flat. Lovely.

Oh--and this week, she has decided that 3 20-minute naps are completely sufficient. But while she's awake, she rubs her eyes and fusses the whole time.  One day this week, I literally tried to get her to take a nap for an hour. It was completely stupid. And then at night, she is only sleeping 3-4 hours at a time.

As a teacher, I was kind of a harda$$. I stood my ground and didn't let my kids get away with ridiculous behavior.

And yet, here I am, with a daughter who has ridiculous behavior. Some days, like today, I am just exhausted. After all, I end up handling or carrying her for most of the day, because I feel bad leaving her laying somewhere because of her flat head. Thankfully, she is now to the point where she can sit up in the Boppy or the high chair, so that gives me some free hands time.

I do not like this phase.

Mommy Question

The past few days, Avonlea has been sleeping all the time, and eating less.  For example, two nights ago, she went to bed at 8pm. Got up at midnight to eat, 5 to eat, and woke up for good at 8. She went back down for a nap from 9-10:30 (I know she's ready for a nap, because she screams bloody murder and won't eat), was ready for a nap again at noon (but we went to the store instead). When we got home she went back to sleep from 1:30-4, then again from 5:30-7. She went to bed at 8:30.  Overnight feedings have been longer, but during the day she is only eating from one side at a time, maybe for 10 minutes max (usually more around 5 minutes). Sometimes I can come back and get her to eat from the other side after a half hour or so, but it is killing me!  I can chalk it up a little bit to her getting more productive. But it seems like 5 minutes is pretty short.

Last night, I was so full that my stream was choking her it was coming out so fast!  Plus, she was getting a lot more than her tummy could handle, and she had major vomits--once all over me when I was putting her back to bed, the other this morning and soaked through everything she was wearing, and all the sheets.

Usually, if I'm super full I wake up and can pump a little bit to ease my supply for her, but I haven't the past couple of nights, and when Avonlea wakes up, she is ready to eat NOW.

Anyway--is this extra sleep but minimal eating normal?  Or should I be concerned?

Growing Up and Moving On

Four weeks ago, I couldn't breastfeed away from the house without it being a major production.

Avonlea was stuck using the nipple shield. I couldn't feed without using my Brest Friend, or a pillow. The thought of getting on a plane was terrifying. TERRIFYING, I tell you!

Thank God for His help. I mean, seriously.

We went to Ohio, and I was determined not to use the shield while we were there. Do you know how immensely frustrating that dumb thing is??  

First, it took a specific technique to get it on. Then, Avonlea has her hands in front of her face all the time, so she would hit it off. If I was lucky, it would land on my lap, but most of the time it went on the floor, so I would have to wash it (or, just blow on it to get the dog hair off--let's be real here, if the baby is screaming to eat, I'm just going to do whatever gets the job done the fastest).  She took forever to eat with it, because the milk doesn't come out fast enough. It was MESSY. The thing would leak down underneath and soak my bra (which would then soak the shirt I was wearing), and I'm thinking, "my precious liquid gold is soaking my cheap shirt!"  After she was done eating, I would have to clean her up and myself, and then wash the dumb shield.  More recently, I would also have to wash it again before using it, because it would cloud up and have some weird filmy substance on it. GRR. ARGH.

So, I determined not to use it. And the entire time I was in Ohio, we didn't use it once. I had them packed with me, just in case, and once I actually had it in my hand once during a feeding, but I never had to put it on, and I haven't used it since.  *cue Hallelujah Chorus*

It's amazing the things that Avonlea is learning and growing out of.  She only "feral cat cries" when she's crazy tired or crazy hungry now.  I don't need the Brest Friend to feed her (in fact, since coming back from Ohio, I have only used it twice).  I packed up all her newborn and 0-3month clothes. Today we moved from size 1 diapers to size 2.  And she is growing out of the swaddle, too. The first couple of days back from Ohio, she fought her way out of it repeatedly (but didn't sleep well).

Then today, she kept fussing during her nap, and I went in and undid the swaddle. I had a crazy need to go to the bathroom right then, so I left her in the pack-n-play, and she fell asleep with her arms out.

To be completely honest, I am so glad. Yes, I know I should be sad that she will never be super little again, and I should be sad I won't have my little newborn anymore.  And there's a small part of me that is sad (a very small part).  But that phase of her life was SO. HARD.  I didn't really enjoy much of it, and I'm glad we're moving on from it.  I love that she's reactive to me. I love that I understand all of her cues (or, at least most of them). I love that she's needing less and less "stuff" when she's sleeping. I love that I feel more on top of things, at least for the moment.  I'm not constantly worrying and questioning and fearing. I am feeling more confident, and that I am able to give Avonlea the best of me instead of what is left over.

New Post!

It seems like there's so much to write about, I can't think of anything to write.

Bullet points seem to serve me well, even though they're not much fun to read.

The other day, I went into our room while Avonlea was sleeping (she sleeps in the pack-n-play in our room), and I just stared at her and cried.  Because with all of the craziness that we have endured, we have come out the other side in a better place. Though I know we'll have hard days (the previous entry is proof of that), I am crazy in love with my daughter.  I kiss her sweet head and snuggle her close on my shoulder (since she doesn't like snuggling on my chest), and inhale her sweet scent.  She makes me laugh with her funny faces, and I look at her in wonder when she is discovering the world for the first time.

She's still fussy a lot. It's not during a consistent time of the day, so I'm thinking it's diet-related. She is still 100% breastmilk--yay! She eats with the nipple shield, which I think is adding more air into her system, so I'm working on weaning her off it. It's hard, though, with her eating off of the shield for 2/3 of her life! Today she has eaten half of her meals off of the shield, so I think we'll get there. Also, in the last few weeks I added dairy back into my diet, but I think it's messing with her stomach. I bought some of the "Little Tummys" drops, and they seem to help, but I'm also going to go back to no dairy to see if it improves her mood.

She continues to be a great sleeper. She'll sleep 4-5 hours during the day (either 2 "shorter" naps, or 1 long nap). She'll go to bed between 9 and 10pm, get up around 3am to eat, and then get up between 7 and 8am.  She has gone as long as 7.5 hours once (and my boobs were READY for her to eat that time!), but usually she'll have a longer stretch (like, from 9:30 to 3:30), then a shorter stretch (from 4:15 to 7). But again, NO COMPLAINTS from me, as I know a lot of babies don't sleep at all.  But I remember praying that she would sleep well because I don't do well on little sleep.

Here's her evening sleep setup:

Swaddled, spit-up rag under her, covered with a quilt from Aunt Sharon (we sleep with the windows open, and it can get chilly), iPad playing white noise.

Nick's friends from high school were here last weekend. I took Avonlea with us to Rodeo Drive and the Santa Monica Pier. Here are Avonlea and I at the corner of Rodeo Drive and Dayton Way. Appropriate, right?  :)

Avonlea has become a fan of the Moby wrap. The only problem with it is that it is so THICK and HOT! I swear my body temperature has been permanently screwed up. I get so hot all the time. I think I'm going to make my own Moby wrap out of linen--I found a tutorial on Pinterest. I'd love to do a ring sling, but they are more complicated to make--and I can't afford to buy one!

1 Month Checkup

We went for our 1-month checkup today, and can I just take a step back and say, holy cow she's one month old already?  I really do feel like I just got her--it definitely does not seem like a month.

Here's her stats:
She weighs 9lbs, 5oz, and is in the 50th percentile.
She is 21 1/2" long, and is in the 75th percentile.
Her head is 15" in diameter, in the 90th percentile.

Because we had to go to the doctor last week for her eye infection (which the medicine has cleared up nicely), she was weighed last week--and hasn't gained any weight since then (she actually went down an ounce and a half).  The doctor is concerned as to why she hasn't gained any weight, so he wants to see us back in 2 weeks to make sure she is gaining weight. He wants to see at least a 10oz weight gain by next time.

Of course, this makes me worry about feeding. I am feeding her every 2 hours during the day (unless she takes one of her marathon naps), and every 4 hours at night. She seems to eat like a champ, but maybe she isn't, since she didn't gain any weight? The doctor said to watch her to make sure she is swallowing. I'm hoping that feeding her with the nipple shield isn't causing any trouble. She has a really hard time eating without it.

I don't need anything else to worry about!!

The Day I Took My Sanity Back

There have been so many things I have wanted to write about over the last 3 weeks, but just a lack of time has prevented it. I'm sad, because I have forgotten many things, and I wanted to have that record of how I was feeling.

I have had it suggested to me that I might have some postpartum depression.  I can see how that might be the case. But I really don't feel like I'm spiraling. I'm getting out of bed every day without any problems. I want to take care of Avonlea. I want to take care of my house, and Nick.

This was not the case when we first came home with Avonlea.

The first 2 days we were at home (Friday, Saturday and Sunday), I was spiraling. I felt myself falling into this pit, and not seeing any way out of it. I was crying constantly. I was in pain (a little from the surgery, but mostly from breastfeeding), and the pain was directly a result of my daughter's latching problems--which, in turn, made me hate her.  Have you ever experienced what it is like to hate your daughter?

At that point, I decided to stop breastfeeding. Avonlea was extremely frustrated with each feeding--she was breathing fast and crying and getting angrier and more frustrated at each feeding, and I was bleeding and in pain throughout the entire feeding. And, she would cry constantly between feedings, too.

I kept pumping, but Sunday afternoon I decided that I had to stop, for at least a day. I needed to let my nipples heal, and I needed to take a step away so that I didn't continue these feelings of resentment towards Avonlea.  I was crying non-stop throughout the feedings at that point.

I felt like a failure. I mean, I couldn't even breastfeed for 3 days!  But on Monday, I talked to a lot of momma friends. And they assured me that no matter what happened with breastfeeding, I was still a good mom. I was the best mom for Avonlea. And she was healthy and was going to be fine, whether I breastfed, or fed breastmilk from a bottle, or had to go back to formula.

Monday was hard. But it was also good. Because by the end of the day, I gave myself permission to not breastfeed. I gave myself permission to do what was best for my mental sanity. And though it hurt my heart, and was yet ANOTHER thing that didn't go the way I planned, I felt myself leaving the downward spiral.  I was okay. She would be okay.

She did well on the bottle, and I felt my sanity slowly returning. I was able to look at things rationally again, and though I was still tired and emotional, I was able to be that way without feeling like I was drowning.

But I didn't want to give up on breastfeeding.  I made an appointment with a lactation consultant separate from the hospital. I tried to contact the lady from the hospital several times, but couldn't get in touch with her. So, I got some recommendations from friends in the area. I made the appointment on Thursday, and so I decided to continue to bottle-feed until the appointment.

Bottle feeding was easy in some ways, and difficult in others.  Nick could feed her--definite ease. I knew she was getting nutrition--definite ease.  One difficulty, though, was just the timing. While Avonlea was awake, I pumped while she ate--definitely glad this was happening while Nick was home for the week!  But overnight, she would eat at 3-hour intervals, and I was needing to pump every 2 hours. Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep.

Thursday came, and I was extremely nervous. Would going back to breastfeeding make me a crazy person again?  The appointment went well. Mina noted that it was a combination of the time on the bottle in the NICU, plus my overproduction (making it difficult for Avonlea to latch), plus Avonlea's narrow latch that was making things so difficult. She recommended using the nipple shield while breastfeeding, at least for a little while. Working on Avonlea's lip positioning during feeding would help protect myself.  She also suggested breastfeeding during the day and pumping at night for a little bit, so that I could continue to heal.

I left the appointment feeling good, but when we got home, the familiar sinking feeling started to creep over me--it stems from wondering if what I am doing is right, and the logistics of timing and other things breastfeeding-related.

I eventually realized I just need to relax in it. I didn't read any books--that was one of the first good pieces of advice I got--I realized the books I was reading were helping to make me feel inadequate, so I stopped reading them.  I just needed to trust my body and what Avonlea was telling me.

I did the breastfeeding during the day and pumping at night for 2 nights--but quickly went to breastfeeding exclusively after realizing how much more sleep I would get. As I posted before, I cherish my sleep.

The feelings of drowning stopped on Friday. I just started trusting myself. I was having some fever (which was production-related), so I wasn't feeling 100%, but at least I felt like my brain wasn't mushy.

It's been over a week now, and it is going well. My production is evening out--Avonlea has gone 5 hours at night between feedings, and I don't feel like I'm going to die quite so much anymore. But, I think I'm going to start waking her up at the 4-hour mark anyway, so that she sleeps better, and so that I sleep better, too.

She eats every 2 hours during the day (when she stays awake), or every 3-4 hours if she takes a nap. At her appointment last week, she was up to 9lbs 6.5oz, so I know she's getting plenty of nutrition.  Now, I'm just thinking about her face--she gets horrible acne after feedings--and her tummy--she seems to be really uncomfortable, and is often squirmy during feedings. She's been spitting up a little bit, and is in a general state of fussiness all the time.

I'm not eating dairy right now, and I've been working on other things to make her tummy happy. She burps really well, but she's still fussy a lot, especially in the morning (before 10) and in the evening (from 6-9ish).

But she's been a champion sleeper--last night was the best yet, with her sleeping from 10 to 9, getting up three times to eat.

Feelings of "Off-Ness"

Since leaving the ER (go here to read that story) I have felt really "off".

The first 2 days being home, I tried breastfeeding with miserable results. Monday afternoon, I stopped breastfeeding and went to feeding Avonlea breast milk from the bottle, and my sanity returned.

But, I am still a little off.

I feel like my brain is gone. Even Nick has noticed it.  The hemoglobin levels being low contributes to a feeling of lethargy and loss of concentration.

I'm still bleeding a little more heavily than I was the week post-surgery.

I have also not wanted to eat anything. I put food in my mouth and it tastes like nothing.  It's doing wonders for getting my weight off, but nothing for my calorie intake for Avonlea.  In the hospital after surgery, I had no appetite problem--its only started since coming home.

I'm also getting fever and chills. Fever at around 101.7.  Usually when my breasts are really hard.  It hasn't been too much of a problem, only when I'm breastfeeding.  I was pumping every 2 hours during the day when Avonlea ate, and every 3 hours overnight when Avonlea ate. Overnight I would get crazy fever and chills, but during the day I was fine.

Well, I went to a lactation consultant today, after I have healed a bit, and am trying breastfeeding again. Problem is, we measured her after feeding, and she eats about 2 oz...and with bottle feeding, she was eating a solid 3 oz, and I am up to 5.5oz production every pump.

I'm going to pump overnight--easing back into breastfeeding--which should help, and I will pump for a shorter amount of time to try to cut my production back.

But should I be concerned about the other things?

Adventures In Breastfeeding

One of the most amazing things about the birthing process to me is breastfeeding.  This tiny human comes out of you, having spent the last 9 months eating through their stomach, and with a whack on their back, they suddenly are able to eat, breathe, and cry out of their mouths.  Really, the whole system just makes evolution seem more and more ridiculous.  But, anyways...

Though breastfeeding is miraculous, it is far from easy. For me, it was not natural, not instinctual, not easy. When they handed the baby to me a half-hour after the surgery, and told me to feed her, I was so lost as to what to do. If there was any part of the baby process I wasn't ready for, this was it. I hadn't read enough books (or, any books for that matter), and the whole thing seemed so....confusing. I had no idea if I was doing it right, and no idea if she was getting remotely what she needed to survive. I took comfort in the fact that babies don't need a ton of nutrition right after they are born--but was I going to be able to do anything to get her what she needed?

The first night, Nick went home, and Avonlea and I did our best. She would go where she was supposed to, and suck a couple of times in a row, and then be done. It seemed like a victory to me, but I wasn't really sure. Then, she slept like a rock for 6 hours--and subsequently, I did, too--right before we were admitted to the NICU.  I knew I was supposed to be feeding her every 2 hours, but no one came to wake me up, and Avonlea didn't wake me up crying, so I guess she wasn't hungry.

I might have been okay if Avonlea hadn't needed to go to the NICU. Maybe I would've figured out the latching thing (I mean, how do you know what it is, exactly--when you have no context for what it's like in the first place?). Maybe I would've had an amazing lactation consultation the day after her birth, and we would've sailed on with flying colors.

But, it wasn't meant to be that way. Avonlea had to go to the NICU, and I had to tell them exactly how much she was nursing, and for how long she was latched on. The NICU is nothing if not precise in their measurements (they even measure how much each diaper weighs!). I started guessing. "Umm...well, I felt tugging on the left side for a couple of minutes, but it wasn't repeatedly tugging, so I guess maybe 5 minutes on that side?"

This doesn't sit well with NICU nurses. They want to know how high you jumped, and what shoes you jumped with, and what you were wearing at the time, and if your hair was wet or not--oh, and did you poop beforehand, because that might've made a difference in your height?  When they asked me when the last time she ate was, and I had to tell them, "6 hours ago", they looked at me like I was the worst mom ever. Seriously, there were bugged eyes. One of the nurses said, "you should have woken her up to feed her--she's a newborn."  Add to the fact that I was already crying because they were taking my daughter away, and it wasn't a good admission process.

It wasn't but a few hours into the stay at the NICU that they had Avonlea on bottled formula. Inside, I am screaming against it--but what can I really do? She's on antibiotics, so she has to have nutrition going through her system to get the kidneys flowing. And I'm only producing colostrum at this point (I knew that much, at least), so she's not getting that nutrition from me at this point--and I don't even know if she's getting my colostrum in the first place, because I don't wake up often enough, and mostly because I don't know what latching on is.

It was another area where I felt like a failure. Not only did I not get to have the birth experience that I wanted, but now I wasn't going to have the feeding that I wanted. I didn't want her to have sugar water--she got a paci dipped in it right after she was born. I wanted to breastfeed exclusively--I had no idea what I was doing.  I didn't want her to have formula supplements--she was on it as soon as we got to the NICU.

A nurse came and dropped off a pump to me, and told me I needed to pump every couple of hours. I had no idea how long I was supposed to pump, and I wasn't getting anything during the pumping. Is that normal? Or, I would get one or two drops. The NICU nurses told me to bring down anything that I was able to get--did they really mean for me to take down two drops of colostrum?  The NICU nurses seemed to indicate that yes, I should--but then the nurses on my floor rolled their eyes at my pithy little 5 droplets, and told me that they couldn't do anything with it.  The first time I threw away my vial with more than 2 drops in it, I cried.

Over the course of Friday, between running down to the NICU any chance I got, and back up to my room to eat or sign papers or go to the bathroom or get examined, I pumped. I pumped for 15 minutes on the dot, maybe every 3 hours or so.  And slowly, I started to get some production. Not a lot--less than 5cc's each time, and more from one side than the other--but it was a start.  The nurse who told me to throw away my little bottles of colostrum now told me that she was wrong and that I should take down anything and they would make it work--so I started feeling more confident. Friday night, I commented to Nick that I felt like my milk might be coming in, because my breasts felt a lot heavier and fuller.  When I went to bed, I got a raging case of the chills, and then in the middle of the night I had the sweats.

Then, Saturday morning, I woke up and my breasts were as hard as rocks. Like, I thought my skin was going to tear apart. I knew, if I wasn't on my pain medicine, I would probably have woken up screaming in pain.  Yeah, you guessed it. I was completely engorged on both sides.  I called my nurse, who came in and checked me and confirmed that I was engorged. She got me an anti-inflammatory drug (but not a lactation consultant).  I went online and looked up engorgement treatment, and started doing 15 minutes of heat, then pump for 20 minutes (while Nick massaged me), then 15 minutes of ice. My time away from my daughter was getting longer and longer, and now I wasn't getting anything out of my breasts.

I was tired, I was frustrated, and I was wishing I had some clue as to what was going on.

After reading some more, I went to only a few minutes of heat, then pump with massage, then ice. And again, slowly I started to get some production, and some relief from the stretching and the painful knots and lumps.

As my milk production grew (about 10cc's a day), I got more and more happy that I was able to provide some better nutrition for my daughter. Downstairs, she was not doing well with the formula. Yeah, enough of it was staying down for her to be doing fine health-wise, but she was getting a reputation as the pukiest, poopiest kid on the block.  There were 2 nurses who literally had to change their scrubs from top to bottom because Avonlea puked so violently on them.

She was also POUNDING her food. She would drink an entire bottle of formula in 2 minutes.

I was so excited to take down this bottle one morning:

Only to watch in dismay as she ate it in 35 seconds.  It took me all night to get that, girl!

Finally, on Saturday, a lactation consultant came to my room. She asked me a bunch of questions and handed me a bunch of flyers. When I told her that I wanted someone to come to the NICU and help me with Avonlea hands-on, she made an appointment for me the next day.

On Sunday afternoon, I finally had my first lactation appointment.  And it was hellish.  I stayed pretty cool the whole time--more than I can say for the lactation nurse--she was frustrated!  See, since Avonlea had gone so many days on the bottle, she was used to eating the easy way. Also, in the NICU, they feed "ad lib". So, basically whenever she started crying, they would feed her--so by Sunday, whenever she didn't get fed, she screamed bloody murder.  I mean, outrageous, purple-in-the-face ridiculous screaming.  Surprisingly, the screaming doesn't really bother me--but it did bother the NICU nurses. I learned this on one of the first days down there trying to breastfeed her. She started to cry, and 3 different nurses came to check on me to see what was wrong. (I felt really pressured to get the feeding thing right from them, and so when it wasn't going well, I felt really pressured to give in to the formula thing quickly--mommy guilt at its finest.)

We ended up feeding her the bottle, but the lactation nurse said we would try again. She had a couple of things she wanted to do.

Well, when we finally got together on Tuesday, it worked, and I finally learned what REAL latching on feels like! We used a breast shield to help us, and I think it really helped Avonlea to get hooked on right. I was excited and happy, and Avonlea actually ate from me for 15 minutes on both sides! Victory! She was only doing 5 or 6 sucks at a time, and she would stop every 5 minutes or so to fuss, but she was doing it!  Tuesday was the first day that she had enough milk (from a bottle) from me to last all day--and she didn't vomit at all the whole day.

I had a lingering doubt, though. Nick tried to help me put the nipple shield on the other side, and it was really hard to do. And I was thinking, "what am I going to do when the nurse isn't here? I'm not going to be able to put this thing on by myself."

In fact, today when I went in, I didn't think I would be breastfeeding, because I couldn't do it by myself.

And that's when God sent Vicki.  I have had a different nurse every day with Avonlea--but today's nurse also spent 27 years with her own lactation consultation business. She graciously stepped in to help me. A no-nonsense Hispanic lady, she quickly took charge and told me exactly what we were going to do. She told me to put the nipple shield away. She helped me to hold her the right way, to calm her before feeding, to talk quietly to her, to lead her nose-first to the breast. All things that the other consultant had told me, but this time it really clicked. I was doing it on my own--and Avonlea took to it like a charm. It took maybe 5 minutes of re-working my hold, and guiding my nipple to her correctly, but she totally got it.  She latched on to me sans nipple shield, and ate for 20 minutes without stopping. She went up to 10-20 sucks in a row, and not once did she let go of me.

Vicki actually suggested only feeding Avonlea on one side for a while, that way she can get used to the hold, get used to opening her mouth wide, and get used to working a little harder for the food. Vicki explained what I needed to be doing while pumping in a language I could understand, using her hands to demonstrate what she meant. She didn't come in and take over what I was doing, but she guided me to the right technique. She was a fabulous teacher.

When Nick came to pick me up, I wasn't ready--I wanted to stay and feed her again! This time, Vicki didn't help me at all. In fact, I didn't even know she was watching--until I had gotten Avonlea latched on, and I heard her praise me from the side of Avonlea's bed, telling me I had gotten an A+.

Tonight, when Nick and I went back for our evening with Avonlea, I couldn't wait to show him what I had learned. And Avonlea stepped up like a champ. She ate for 25 minutes on one side, and then used the bottle for the rest (which we'll do until I feel like I can take her to my other side). I was so proud to see her little Momma's Milk Mustache:

Breastfeeding has been a struggle, but I am loving where I am at now. I know that there will be hard times ahead still--but now I know that I can do it by myself, without any tricks or special tools. Just her and me, the way it's supposed to be.

(I left out a few details of this story, I am sure, but I am tired and I need to go and pump.)