1 Month Checkup

We went for our 1-month checkup today, and can I just take a step back and say, holy cow she's one month old already?  I really do feel like I just got her--it definitely does not seem like a month.

Here's her stats:
She weighs 9lbs, 5oz, and is in the 50th percentile.
She is 21 1/2" long, and is in the 75th percentile.
Her head is 15" in diameter, in the 90th percentile.

Because we had to go to the doctor last week for her eye infection (which the medicine has cleared up nicely), she was weighed last week--and hasn't gained any weight since then (she actually went down an ounce and a half).  The doctor is concerned as to why she hasn't gained any weight, so he wants to see us back in 2 weeks to make sure she is gaining weight. He wants to see at least a 10oz weight gain by next time.

Of course, this makes me worry about feeding. I am feeding her every 2 hours during the day (unless she takes one of her marathon naps), and every 4 hours at night. She seems to eat like a champ, but maybe she isn't, since she didn't gain any weight? The doctor said to watch her to make sure she is swallowing. I'm hoping that feeding her with the nipple shield isn't causing any trouble. She has a really hard time eating without it.

I don't need anything else to worry about!!

Figuring Out Our New Normal

Finally getting my head above water enough to write something.

My doctor was not concerned with my fever...at least, not yet. He believes it is related to my overproduction of milk. As for my other symptoms, I believe they are from lack of nutrition. I'm taking my vitamins every day, and I can tell when I don't take them.  I'm 9lbs away from my pre-baby weight. Nick is keeping an eye on me.

Life has been....going.  That's really all I can ask for, right?  I am managing to get a shower every other day. Avonlea is sleeping 3-4 hour stretches at night. Today marks one solid week of breastfeeding (tomorrow will be one week of exclusively breastfeeding), and it is finally getting better. My supply is evening out, and I am able to go 4 hours without feeling like exploding.  I'm using a nipple shield exclusively--hopefully I'll be able to wean off of using it soon.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be a mom.

Sometimes I look at this little person and wonder if she's really mine. I mean, she doesn't look like me at all. She's the spitting image of Nick.

I wonder about those women that see their babies for the first time and have this instant connection to them, and have this overwhelming feeling of love. I didn't have that. I mean, I think I could have--the first night, sitting up with her and loving on her and getting to know her--I could see where that feeling comes from.  But after spending a week away from her, and having the feeling that she's not my child anymore, it created this disconnect.  I'm hoping that the feeling will come with time. Just right now, loving Avonlea is a choice, not a feeling.

I hope that doesn't make me sound like an unfeeling mom.  I really do love my daughter (and the fact that she's not hurting me every 3 hours when she eats is a big bonus). I just don't have these googly feelings whenever I think about her.

Mostly, I'm just tired. And she's not easy. She's pretty fussy a lot of the time. It's hard to love a baby that cries in your face so much. I'm working on figuring out the best way to soothe her, but it's a process. Maybe the lovey-dovey feelings would come easier if she were an easier baby.

I do have moments, though.  Yesterday I was able to do some baby massage for about 15 minutes without her crying. She was looking up at me with these big eyes, like she was figuring out who I am.

And maybe that's part of it--she's trying to figure me out, just as I'm trying to figure her out.

Feelings of "Off-Ness"

Since leaving the ER (go here to read that story) I have felt really "off".

The first 2 days being home, I tried breastfeeding with miserable results. Monday afternoon, I stopped breastfeeding and went to feeding Avonlea breast milk from the bottle, and my sanity returned.

But, I am still a little off.

I feel like my brain is gone. Even Nick has noticed it.  The hemoglobin levels being low contributes to a feeling of lethargy and loss of concentration.

I'm still bleeding a little more heavily than I was the week post-surgery.

I have also not wanted to eat anything. I put food in my mouth and it tastes like nothing.  It's doing wonders for getting my weight off, but nothing for my calorie intake for Avonlea.  In the hospital after surgery, I had no appetite problem--its only started since coming home.

I'm also getting fever and chills. Fever at around 101.7.  Usually when my breasts are really hard.  It hasn't been too much of a problem, only when I'm breastfeeding.  I was pumping every 2 hours during the day when Avonlea ate, and every 3 hours overnight when Avonlea ate. Overnight I would get crazy fever and chills, but during the day I was fine.

Well, I went to a lactation consultant today, after I have healed a bit, and am trying breastfeeding again. Problem is, we measured her after feeding, and she eats about 2 oz...and with bottle feeding, she was eating a solid 3 oz, and I am up to 5.5oz production every pump.

I'm going to pump overnight--easing back into breastfeeding--which should help, and I will pump for a shorter amount of time to try to cut my production back.

But should I be concerned about the other things?

Roadblock to Happiness #458

Telling an emotional, hormonal woman that she can take her baby home after a week in the hospital is one thing.

Telling an emotional, hormonal woman (who is fully dressed and ready to go) that she can't take her baby home yet because the woman needs to go to the ER to get checked out is enough for an emotional meltdown.

Guess which one happened to me?

Around 1:30pm, we were waiting for our discharge paperwork to come in to the NICU so we could take Avonlea home. I needed to go to the bathroom and talk to the lactation consultant upstairs, so I told the NICU nurse I would be right back.  When I went to the bathroom, I passed a huge blood clot--probably the size of a softball. I called my doctor, but their office was closed, so I decided to ask upstairs on the women's floor what I should do.

While I went upstairs, I noticed that I was bleeding a lot. I have been bleeding since my surgery--not so much of a surprise--but this was a significant amount more.

After I talked to the lactation consultant, I asked the nurse on duty what I should do. They weren't really sure, since I was no longer a patient. They graciously checked me out, though. Although they thought that maybe the clots were from my breast feeding, they thought that I should call my doctor. I did call again, only to learn that they are out of the office on Fridays. I called the doctor on call, and she said that if the bleeding continued for the next half hour, I should go to the ER.

I went back to the NICU and scrubbed in--and realized that I am allergic to the NICU soap. Every day my arms would burn a little bit, but this day they burned a lot, and they got really red and bumpy. I was hoping that this would be the last day for scrubbing in!

The nurse was concerned about me, since I was only supposed to go to the bathroom, and I ended up being gone for so long. When I told her about the bathroom, she got more concerned and flustered. Nick arrived shortly after, and we watched a mandatory CPR video while I filled him in on my bathroom drama.

We finished the video and packed everything up, and I was getting really emotional. I was getting asked over and over if I was okay, and I just wanted to get Avonlea and go. Finally, just before I was to sit down in the wheelchair and get Avonlea and go down to the car, Nick said he wanted me to go and check one more time.

Well, I had bled through the 2 pads I got from the nurses, and I was leaking onto my undies and pants.

Well, that was it. They wheeled me down to the ER instead, and they kept Avonlea in the NICU while we figured out what was going on.

I had blood drawn, urine sample taken, an ultrasound done (both internal and external), and another blood draw. Turns out, my hemoglobin levels were pretty low, so they gave me a shot to help slow down the bleeding, and monitored me for a couple of hours to see if my levels would go up.

They didn't go up at all, but they sent me home anyway. We kept reminding them that we had to go and get our daughter from the NICU, which I think helped influence their decision. They gave me a prescription for a medicine that would help my bleeding to stop....but after a drama session of Nick trying to find this obscure drug all over the Valley, it turns out I probably won't be taking it because it says that it can cause harm to a breastfeeding baby.

I am feeling better today. Low hemoglobin is a sign of anemia, so my neighbor gave me some iron supplements to take. It causes exhaustion and a loss of concentration, which hasn't been good for my emotional state today. But, we're getting through it all right.

Again, much acknowledgements to Nick for going above and beyond. He helped to soothe me as my emotions threatened to take over me in the ER. He went and got a breast pump for me from the NICU so that I could send milk up to Avonlea. He held my hand through the ultrasound when they mentioned that a possibility could be a D&C procedure. He fetched a breast pump (again) when we ended up being in the ER longer than we originally thought. He drove to 3 different pharmacies and called probably 8 more in search of my prescription--and bought me heavier pads in the process. What a man.

And at the end of the night, this emotional, exhausted, anemic momma got to take her baby home. Finally.

The NICU Life in Pictures (and a few words)

Head down.

Scrub in.

Find baby.

Name check.

Say hi.

Nail check.

IV move.

Stare at Daddy.

Celebrate milk.

Celebrate more milk!

Swing time.

Bath time.

Snuggle Daddy.

Big burps.

Sniff head.

Stare at Mommy.

Porthole view.

Post-sleep looks.

Diaper time.

Get mad.

Feeding time.

Snuggle butt.

Food coma.

Talk to Mommy.

Size compare.

Say goodnight.

Our Journey to the NICU

Never in a million years did I expect my perfectly healthy pregnancy and big baby girl to end up in the NICU for 7 days.  Of course, I guess anyone who has a baby that ends up in the NICU doesn't really expect it, no matter what the circumstance.

As I said on Facebook in this post, we have been extremely blessed throughout this process. My time in the NICU, though stressful and emotional for me, is not even remotely close to what many moms and dads have experienced--even some of my own friends who had babies arrive weeks or months earlier have much more compelling stories than my own. I do not, through this post, try to make my situation sound any better than theirs. After all, if you put our situations on a scale, mine would certainly be light.  However, emotionally, I am sure that many of the feelings are the same. So, though my story might be much weaker than many others, I hope you'll endure the telling of it, and lend me grace.

I sent Nick home the first night I was in the hospital. It was what our childbirth instructor suggested us to do, because she said the 2nd night was the really hard one, and that we would rather have a rested husband on the 2nd night than a cranky one.  I recognized how tired Nick was--while I was able to have an Ambien and then have an epidural-induced sleep (totaling around 7 hours), Nick was only able to sleep while I had my epidural (and he is a light sleeper, so he probably didn't sleep all that wonderfully, anyway). Though I desired for him to stay, I also knew that he needed to get some good sleep. I told him to go and come back the next morning--he planned on coming in around 9 or so.

Little did I know then how much I would end up needing him! I hope that writing this doesn't make Nick seem like a bad guy for not staying. We literally had no idea what was going to happen that night, and we only knew the advice that a reliable source had given us: he needed to go home. We both felt (at the time) perfectly happy with that decision.  Nick has been awesome--I don't want this to make it seem like he abandoned me or anything. He totally didn't.

After Avonlea was born, we had a couple of visitors, plus I was hyped up on different drugs and the activities of the day, and although the picture in the previous entry looks like I slept, I didn't sleep at all during the day that Avonlea arrived.

The first night, I stayed up almost all night. I did get an hour of sleep here and there, but they are an exclusive room-in-only hospital. I didn't find this out until later that night--or I might've made arrangements for someone else to stay with me that first night!  I was trying to breastfeed every couple of hours, but she wouldn't latch on for any length of time. I was also extremely itchy from the anesthesia wearing off. I was given Benadryl at one point, and the nurses watched Avonlea for an hour because I fell into a Benadryl sleep.  I was being given oxytocin to help get rid of my blood clots, and the IV made a noise that sounded just like our door opening, so all night long I kept looking over at the door. I kept waking up in pain. And of course, hospitals are just really loud. The nurses also kept coming to get Avonlea over and over to do different tests--a few of them they had to do more than once--turns out, her blood clots super fast and they kept having to redo some of the tests because her samples had clotted too quickly.

I enjoyed having the bonding time with Avonlea--I propped her up on my knees on a pillow, and we just watched each other.

But I was also physically exhausted. I kept needing to call the nurses, which made me feel bad (yes, I know it's their jobs, but I still don't like to be that one who keeps calling over and over).  I mean, I couldn't even get Avonlea out of her baby bed that was right next to mine! So anytime she needed to be changed or fed or wrapped up again, I had to call someone.  Grr...

But, when I really needed Nick was in the morning. At 7am, my doctor came in to check on me and pronounced that I was doing well. Then around 7:30, the pediatrician came in. He introduced himself to me, and explained that one of the tests he had ordered last night was a CBC count, and a CRP count. The CBC count was to see how many white blood cells she had. Her number was 30,000, which seems like a lot, but I guess is only borderline normal. It should be much higher than that. Then, the CRP test checks for inflammation or infection in the body. A good definition I found is:

C-reactive protein is released into the blood by the liver shortly after the start of an infection or inflammation. CRP is an early indicator of these problems because its levels usually start to rise in the blood before symptoms, such as fever and pain, appear.

A normal CRP result in newborns is anywhere from 2-10 at the highest. Avonlea's was 19. The Pediatrician ordered another set of the same tests, to determine whether or not the rise in numbers was just from the trauma of birth, or if it was because of an infection due to her being born so far past the water breaking.

At 10 (when Nick was supposed to get to the hospital), the pediatrician called back and said that the tests had come back. While the CBC had gone back to normal, the CRP result jumped up to 35, indicating an infection. It was then that he rocked my world. He said that she would have to be admitted for a minimum of 48 hours to the NICU for a round of antibiotics.

I really think my world stopped. I don't remember most of the rest of what the pediatrician said. I just remember saying "yeah" and "okay" a lot.

I hung up the phone and called Nick immediately. He was at home, getting ready to go, and I told him to hurry and get here because a lot had gone on while he was at home.  Thankfully, he made it to the hospital before they took her down to the NICU.

After I hung up with Nick, I just held on to Avonlea and cried. It was amazing how I had already established this strong and powerful bond with someone I had just met, not even 24 hours before. While the night before by myself hadn't been my favorite, with little sleep and lots of distractions and feeding complications, when it came right down to it, when someone was going to take my baby away from me, I was willing to do anything I could to hold on to her a little bit longer. I prayed a lot until Nick got to the hospital. Asking God to protect her little body, to strengthen her cells, to help her fight off infection, to bring her back to me as soon as possible.

Taking Avonlea down to the NICU was one of the hardest things I have ever done. We wheeled her in, and I couldn't keep the tears from falling. As we went past the beds of the tiny babies, I couldn't imagine her in one of these places, away from me. It was really hard to watch her being put in that bed all by herself (I'm crying again thinking of it).

I know she won't remember this time in her life at all. She won't remember the IVs and the cords and the tubes. She won't remember the beeping and the alarms going off all around her, and the feeling of life being held on by a thread--but these are things that I won't ever be able to forget.

I am again reminded of how blessed my baby is--I joke that she is the Jolly Green Giant of the NICU ward, because she's so much bigger than the rest of the babies, but it is true, and it is a blessing. We don't get a lot of one-on-one time with the neonatologist--but the fact is, we don't need to talk to her a lot, because Avonlea's problems are small in comparison.

Avonlea's journey in the NICU will last 7 days. Her counts came back after 48 hours back down to 19, but because they didn't go down to normal immediately, it indicated an infection present in her system, so they decided to do the full course of treatment. While it makes me sad, I also know that she is in completely competent, professional hands, and she is getting the absolute best care that she can be given.  In the meantime, I am taking care of myself, getting extra rest and nutrition, and pumping every 2 hours to get my milk supply up for her.

I will post some more pictures of what life in the NICU is like in the next entry.