Growing Up and Moving On

Four weeks ago, I couldn't breastfeed away from the house without it being a major production.

Avonlea was stuck using the nipple shield. I couldn't feed without using my Brest Friend, or a pillow. The thought of getting on a plane was terrifying. TERRIFYING, I tell you!

Thank God for His help. I mean, seriously.

We went to Ohio, and I was determined not to use the shield while we were there. Do you know how immensely frustrating that dumb thing is??  

First, it took a specific technique to get it on. Then, Avonlea has her hands in front of her face all the time, so she would hit it off. If I was lucky, it would land on my lap, but most of the time it went on the floor, so I would have to wash it (or, just blow on it to get the dog hair off--let's be real here, if the baby is screaming to eat, I'm just going to do whatever gets the job done the fastest).  She took forever to eat with it, because the milk doesn't come out fast enough. It was MESSY. The thing would leak down underneath and soak my bra (which would then soak the shirt I was wearing), and I'm thinking, "my precious liquid gold is soaking my cheap shirt!"  After she was done eating, I would have to clean her up and myself, and then wash the dumb shield.  More recently, I would also have to wash it again before using it, because it would cloud up and have some weird filmy substance on it. GRR. ARGH.

So, I determined not to use it. And the entire time I was in Ohio, we didn't use it once. I had them packed with me, just in case, and once I actually had it in my hand once during a feeding, but I never had to put it on, and I haven't used it since.  *cue Hallelujah Chorus*

It's amazing the things that Avonlea is learning and growing out of.  She only "feral cat cries" when she's crazy tired or crazy hungry now.  I don't need the Brest Friend to feed her (in fact, since coming back from Ohio, I have only used it twice).  I packed up all her newborn and 0-3month clothes. Today we moved from size 1 diapers to size 2.  And she is growing out of the swaddle, too. The first couple of days back from Ohio, she fought her way out of it repeatedly (but didn't sleep well).

Then today, she kept fussing during her nap, and I went in and undid the swaddle. I had a crazy need to go to the bathroom right then, so I left her in the pack-n-play, and she fell asleep with her arms out.

To be completely honest, I am so glad. Yes, I know I should be sad that she will never be super little again, and I should be sad I won't have my little newborn anymore.  And there's a small part of me that is sad (a very small part).  But that phase of her life was SO. HARD.  I didn't really enjoy much of it, and I'm glad we're moving on from it.  I love that she's reactive to me. I love that I understand all of her cues (or, at least most of them). I love that she's needing less and less "stuff" when she's sleeping. I love that I feel more on top of things, at least for the moment.  I'm not constantly worrying and questioning and fearing. I am feeling more confident, and that I am able to give Avonlea the best of me instead of what is left over.