In case you don't know, this is Jennifer Lawrence:
Yeah, she's a fatty.
I have been saying it for a while: I'm a big girl living in a small girl world. This usually doesn't bother me. But for some reason, it has really been affecting me recently. I guess it's because I just keep getting bigger and bigger. And yesterday at my doctor's appointment, I tipped the scale to the dreaded 200lb number.
I know I'm not unhealthy. I'm having a baby, after all! I don't eat boxes of chocolate or ho-hos at a time. I am an athletic person, and have been walking throughout my pregnancy (in fact, I'm doing a half-marathon in 2 weeks). I'm sure I can be doing better--eating more veggies and things--but isn't that always true? I have gained 20lbs this pregnancy, which is well within the acceptable range so far. I know I have it a lot better than other people who really struggle with their weight--which makes me feel guilty for even stressing about this. I know these things in my heart. But it's still hard for me to accept what is happening to my body. It's also made harder by the people at work who talk about how "huge" I am to my face. It's hard when images of "baby after body" scream at me from every grocery store checkout aisle (when I'm at Kroger at midnight buying mac and cheese), making me feel guilty about my choices.
It's vanity. It really is. It's just ridiculous vanity. But it's still something I am struggling with right now, as I look in the mirror and never see myself getting smaller.
A long time ago, I came to terms with the fact that I won't be 135lbs ever again. But its still hard to be on this side of the weight scale.
It's one of the things I was really nervous about when I got pregnant. Well, "nervous" isn't really the right word. I guess, if I'm being honest, the right word is disappointed. I've said before that I went through a myriad of emotions when I saw that positive pregnancy test--and one of those feelings was disappointment. Disappointment at knowing that my body would never look that good again.
Vanity, you are an ugly bitch.
It seems a little silly to quote One Direction to you, but "you don't know you're beautiful!"
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I love you. And while I don't know how it feels to be pregnant, I do know how it feels to not be happy with what I see in the mirror. I'm so sorry that you have even the smallest shred of self doubt. Because when I see you and your weekly update pictures all I see the is the beautiful, courageous, caring, thoughtful, talented, funny, smart, gorgeous, glowing, graceful best friend that you are. I love you to pieces!