Everyone But Me

I know I've said this before.  But it's hard to watch other people have babies.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not talking about my friends.  I LOVE when my friends have babies.  Seriously.  Nothing fills me with more happiness.

It's the random people that really get to me.  The Hyundai Sonata commercial.  The iPhone 4 commercial.  The girl who used to be in 7th grade at my school.  The girl who used to be in my 2nd grade class (yup--an 8th grader having a baby--don't get me started).  The couple from my high school who isn't supposed to have any more kids, but who is accidentally having their 4th without even trying.  These are the ones that really get to me.  It's like, I can handle the people I know, but the inundation from everywhere else is what really hurts.  Which I know doesn't make sense.  I should probably be hurt by the people close to me, but for me it seems opposite.

I have to skip past the Hyundai commercials now.

I find myself wanting to stop at Babies R'Us and just go in and look.  I don't, thankfully.

I made an appointment with a new OB/GYN.  We'll see how this goes.

(Here's the iPhone commercial, in case you haven't seen it.  I can't find the Hyundai one)

A year.

It has been a year since the day that Nick said he'd be okay with having a baby.

And wow, what has happened in a year.

I developed a legitimate alternative to teaching for a living.

I got a job, and proceeded to kick my butt to do well at it.

I lived through leukemia with my mom...twice.

And now, things are about to change again.

See, Nick just got a new job.  And this new job is based on the opposite side of the country, in LA.  Which means that starting in March, Nick will move to LA.  And then, when the school year is over, I will follow him. 

My world is rocked again.

There are so many questions/problems that this brings up (just for baby-making), it is ridiculous.
Should we put baby-making on hold until we will be together all the time?
Do I run the risk of being pregnant while Nick isn't here?  I'd be almost like a single mom!
Mom won't see me pregnant.
Mom won't be with me when I have a baby.
We won't be around ANY family or friends...who will help me through this crazy transition in life?  I always assumed I'd have more help than I needed.
We're going to be making a cross-country move...is this a good time to have a baby?
Will there ever be a good time to have a baby?

Ovulation Testing = Suckage

I'm almost a month out from my last post.  I have a lot to say, but not a lot of time to do it.

Some things I need to write:
Girls Weekend
A Letter to Baby

But for right now, I'd like to say that I've been doing the ovulation kit.  My periods are so incredibly irregular in length (both monthly and the actual length of my period) that I didn't really know when to start doing it.  I range from 27 days to 34 days (and 2 to 9 day periods).  One of the inserts said to average out your periods, and then count from there.

Do most women know when they ovulate?  Because I don't.  So I test.

Well, I think I'm broken.  I started the tests 9 days after my period started (my period was 7 days long this time), and I've taken one every day.  Unless I ovulated the day after my period, I don't think I ovulate at all!  These tests turn up negative every day!

I pee all day long, so it says that for women with pee issues like mine, I need to probably test first thing in the morning.  Which I do.  But honestly, I haven't seen even a hint of the 2nd blue line that is "supposed" to appear when I'm ovulating.

I did miss one day when I ran out of my first test and I didn't get a chance to buy another one.  So I made sure Nick and I got busy that day for sure.  But the next day back on the tests, I didn't show any hormone change.

I'm almost out of my 2nd box of ovulation tests.  Yes, almost 2 weeks of tests I've peed on for nothing.  That's 60 bucks, people.  I can't afford to do this all the time!

Too busy to make babies...

With school going on, and (sometimes) photography, I haven't even had a chance to *think* about making babies.

Maybe this means something subconsciously?

I know it means that at night, I'm not even conscious enough to think about makin' whoopee.  :)  Poor Nick.

Another one...

Nick's brother and his wife are having a baby.....

I will not cry.  I will not cry.  I will not cry.

A Note on Infertility

I follow a scrapbooking blog.  Recently, the author posted about her infertility.  I don't know if I'm infertile or not--we haven't done the doctor thing enough to determine that--but a lot of what she said was really powerful.  I'll just paste the things below that resonated with me:

"A few more thoughts:

• As strange as it sounds, and as much as I've always longed to be a mother, I've known in my heart that the time hasn't been right before now. This is out of my hands, and I've relied on my faith to see me through it. And I'm seeking joy in my life in the meantime. I was recently called to be the Primary President in my church congregation. This means that, every Sunday, I am in charge of the spiritual education of 48 children between the ages of 18 months and 11 years. I am doing what I can to influence and bless the lives of children.
• I'm grateful that I've never been pregnant. In other words, I thank my lucky stars that I haven't had to endure miscarriage after miscarriage. That's a silver lining for sure. As hard as my situation can be sometimes, it could definitely be worse. (I can just hear myself channeling my Grandma Neva: "If you can't have the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you don't want.")
• I have not exhausted all medical possibilities with regard to infertility (no need to go into the gory details). But at a certain point, it stopped feeling like the right path for us. And you have to trust what feels right. No one else but you knows what's right for you. These days, there is literally no limit to the amount of time and money a person could spend trying to become pregnant. No limit. I've learned to let go of the guilt of supposedly "not wanting it badly enough" to keep pushing beyond where I felt comfortable.
• I am not unhappy. I am not unfulfilled. I do not wallow in misery every day of my life. About every three months or so, I throw myself a pity party, and I roll around in my sorrow and disappointment until I'm just plain sick of feeling sorry for myself. I call my mom or a sister or a friend and talk, talk, talk. Then I pick myself up and soldier on.
• I have been able to survive baby showers unscathed, and I welcome the news of family and friend pregnancies with true happiness for them (eventually, if not right away). I've had six nieces and nephews join the family during the time I've been trying to have a baby, and I love them all dearly. The initial news is always hard to hear, but by the time the timer goes off, I'm just as thrilled as anyone could be. Just because it hasn't worked out for me does NOT mean I hope it doesn't work out for others.
• That said, the initial news can be a shock, depending on my mental state. My advice (from my personal experience) is to break pregnancy news to your infertile friends personally, rather than at a big party or gathering or via Facebook. Especially if she's a close friend, let her feel special by entrusting her with your news before it goes public. All you have to say is, "I wanted to tell you first. You have no idea how much I also want this for you, and how happy I'll be when it's your turn to share your news with me." If she cries (which she likely will, either there or later), give her a hug and tell her that you love her. Please don't begrudge the fact that she may not be thrilled for you right away. She'll get there.
• On the flip side, if you're infertile, do your best to "get there" and be happy for others. Try to be thrilled for your pregnant friends, just like you'd want them to be thrilled for you. Pregnancy can be very hard, for some more than others. Allow your pregnant friends to complain a little if they need to. Your friend may be going through something profoundly difficult for her, just like you are. (If the complaining seems excessive, insensitive, or unnecessary, you can gently say, "Believe it or not, I very much look forward to being nauseated for 9 straight months." I think most women would respect that.)
• Please don't feel too sorry for me. For those of you who have kids, remember that just because you cannot imagine living one day of your life without your kids (because you know them and love them beyond words), that does not mean you'd be a quivering heap of misery every day of your life if you had never met them in the first place. You wouldn't quite know what you were missing.
• A huge step in my journey has been the ability (only recently) for me to say and truly believe (at least sometimes), "I can imagine living a happy and fulfilled life, even if I never have children." I can be the best stepmom, aunt, and future step-grandmother on the planet. And Travis and I have a darn good time together, so I can be grateful for that. As a sweet new friend quoted to me just last night, "Come what may, and love it." For me, this means being open to every eventuality, while maintaining hope for the one thing you want most.

To see the original post, click here: http://www.angielucas.com/yeahwrite/2010/08/i-am-infertile.html

My body sucks.

On Day 34, I got my period.

This sucks.

Day 32...and counting

No period yet.  So I took a test today.  Not pregnant, it says.

What the frack?

Late, late....

First of all--
I've had this blog public for a few friends.  Today I made it private to only me.  My reason for that is that if I AM able to get pregnant sometime soon, I don't want my best friends to find out about it online.  Plus, I don't necessarily want to tell people the second I find out, either.  I'd like Nick to know first.  And my mom and dad.  And my sister.  But I'd still like a place to record some of my thoughts and feelings as I go on this journey.  So, privatization it is.

Okay, back to regularly scheduled programming:

The last post was a picture of my brand-new ovulation kit.  I didn't start using it immediately, because I needed to be able to sit down and read it and make sure I used it on the right days.  But I used it one day when I thought would be a good time to use it...then read the instructions, realized I should have started it on Day 9, and it was now Day 17.  Duh.

For the last 2 weeks, I have had heart palpitations.  Skipped beats, probably one every two minutes or so.  It doesn't hurt or anything.  It's just a little weird.  Nick looked it up online, and it's not bad persay.  I mean, you don't want your heart doing that all the time, but it's not like I need to go to the hospital or anything. 

Well, yesterday I had a thought: Maybe my irregular heartbeat could have something to do with maybe being pregnant?  So, I typed a question into my lovely Google search engine, and what do I read?  "Arrhythmias may occur more frequently during pregnancy due to changes in hormones, changes in associated hemodynamic, hormonal and autonomic changes and changes in circulating blood volume, sleep and emotion during pregnancy."

Then I get to thinking: hmm...when am I supposed to start my period?  So I go to my little calendar where I keep track, and...oh!  Today is day 31.  That's interesting.  Day 31 and no sign of period yet.  Hmm...

I usually can tell when it's coming.  I get some minor cramps, I just feel heavy, and my skin breaks out like crazy.  I'm not regular.  I started keeping track a couple of months ago, and I was 28 days, then 30 days, then 28 days again.  So this might just be my body being funny.  But I *did* get a twinge of  hope.  So we'll see.

So it begins...

Why is it that when you want to have a baby, EVERY commercial or show is about babies??

Really??

These are comments I've gotten to  put up with/suffer through/endure  smile through lately:

"You know, your mom's been sick.  Don't you guys want to have a baby so she can have grandkids?"

"Can you guys have a baby so that we can get rid of our baby clothes?"

"You were supposed to be first to have grandkids."

"Don't you want to have kids?"

"How long have you been married?  Wow.  5 years?  Are you going to start having kids soon?"

What gets me is that the person who said the last one is one who suffered through endless comments when they had trouble getting pregnant.  Don't people learn?

Diving In

I went to buy an ovulation kit yesterday.  Guess I really am going to resign myself to "trying" in Nick's opinion.  HOT DOG those things are expensive!  I guess they're trying to get me used to paying crazy amounts for things.  After all--babies are expensive, right?  I think I'm going to do some more shopping around, though.  I just think that $25 for a week-long test is a little much.

What does "trying" mean?

Nick and I had a conversation last night about what "trying" really means.  He and I have different definitions. 

To me, if you're not using any protection, and you're having sex, you're trying.

According to him, that means that you're hoping to be surprised.


Because according to him, we haven't really been trying to get pregnant.  We've been hoping to be surprised. 

To him, trying is counting and calendars and math and doctors and ovulation kits.

I think that is something above trying.  IS there a level above trying?  Desperation, maybe?  I guess I'm thinking I need to enter that stage.  I found out yesterday that a couple that started "trying" the month after we did are pregnant.  And my initial reaction was to cry.  I am happy for them.  Really.

I guess I don't want to go to the level above trying because I wanted it to be easy and spontaneous.  But the people who know that we're trying are starting to give me a different look--you know, the "oh you've been trying for 8 months, do you have something wrong?" look.  And it's starting to freak me out.

I talked to a high school friend the other day.  She had a hard time getting pregnant with her first.  She said her ob/gyn said that because she was so athletic, her cycle was probably not a standard length.  So she actually had a shorter window.  That made me feel a little bit better, because I probably fit into that category well.  I mean, I just finished training for a half-marathon, and I play soccer 2x a week and softball once a week.

I think I just need to suck it up and go to the doctor and read up a little more.  Let's face it: I'm not a teenager anymore.  I'm 31, and this is probably not going to be easy.

Funkified

Also like the name Lyla.  Thank you, FNL for that.

I'm in a funk.  I'm fat (up to my highest weight ever), friendless (zero guests at my birthday party still bums me out), and fired.

Seattle's a No Go.

Nick got the nice thanks-but-no-thanks form letter 2 weeks ago.  It took me a little bit to process how I felt about it.  But now I can truly say, I'm really sad. 

Nick is really upset about it, too.  Not quite so much now, as the sting has worn off a bit, but I don't bring it up.  He gets this deep pained look on his face.  Not something that you can really see as an outsider, but I see it in his eyes.  He's looking for other jobs now.  At the base and at some other local places, but none of them get his juices going like the Microsoft one.

I keep praying for him to be able to find something that fulfills him professionally.  He's so smart, and he's the hardest worker I know.  A company anywhere would be honored to have him.

As for me, my job position is tenuous at best.  I won't know until late July if my position will even be in existence next year--and if it is, I don't know if I want it.  This hasn't been the easiest professional year of my life, and I'm not entirely sure what caused that.  Is it that my heart is taking me away from teaching and into something else (read: photography)?  But if I do that, everyone and their mom is starting their own photography businesses right now--can I take the risk in such a saturated market?  Has it been hard because of some school situations, and the uncertainty that I've experienced?

Again, I'm not sure.  More waiting, I guess.

Still weird

I was talking with a friend tonight (hi, Pam!), and she asked, "So, how's the baby making going?"

I've gotta admit: it kind of threw me a little bit.  My first thought was, "Me?  What baby making?  I'm not making babies right now!"

Then I remembered, "Oh, right.  I am trying to make babies right now!"

It's still kind of weird to think about, since I haven't been trying for so long!

Terrible Week

On top of everything else, I got my period.  This time, I cried.

From Heavy to Light

LOVE the name...

Harper

Seattle

I'm having trouble writing this post.  Not sure how to write it.  Guess I'll just jump in.


I always had a vision of what my life would be like.  Probably...mostly...from my growing up.  I thought my marriage and children experience would be much like my mom and dad's.  Not sure why I thought this.  I've always been pretty independent--not sure why following in my parent's EXACT shoes was such a desire of mine.  Something's happened to help me realize that I'm going to need to cut out my own path in life, instead of treading one that is already worn by someone else.  Start over with Nick, and create our own future together.

This is made more and more clear with Nick's job situation.  He doesn't like his job.  I mean, it's okay.  He really likes having a job, but the one he has isn't fulfilling for him.  It's not what he wants to do forever, and so the more he does it, the more he feels like it's taking him away from what he really wants to do.

So, he's been applying for jobs.  This isn't new to me.  I've known about this for about a year or so.  What I didn't know (up until 3 months ago) was WHERE he was applying for jobs.  There's been a couple of really great opportunities that have opened up in the Microsoft Corporation.  They have a few offices here in Ohio--Cincinnati and Findlay areas.  But the job that he wants is in Seattle.

WHOA.

Talk about a shocker!  When Nick first mentioned it to me, I didn't have any idea what to say!

With everything that has been going on with my mom's health, I knew that starting a family was more and more imperative--and that she would be an integral part of helping me through the process.  I think of my friend's moms, who took them clothes shopping, and gave advice, and helped with the whole having-a-baby process.  And I started to think about what that might look like if I'm living across the country.  And I started to freak out a bit.

Granted, Nick doesn't have the job.  He has done a screening interview online, and then done another screening interview over the phone.  But it really got me thinking about what our lives would be like if we lived across the country from our family.  From those people that would be our support system.  From our friends and jobs, and comfort.  And this is where the conversation within myself really started.  I was terrified.

After a few days of really thinking about it (and not really discussing anything about it with Nick), I started to get excited.  Still terrified, but also excited.  I mean, how amazing would it be?  First, Seattle is supposed to be fabulous.  Second, Nick would TOTALLY and completely adore his job.  He's as giddy as a schoolboy just mentioning  the possibility.

But I really got to thinking about what it would do for Nick and I.  We've kind of been in an auto-pilot relationship.  Everything pre-planned.  Our route already set.  Boundaries and limits and expectations already set out for us.  Not in a negative way, but also not in a positive way.  If we were to move away from everything comfortable, then what would we have left to rely on?  Ourselves, and Christ.  And honestly--could that BE any better for us?

So, I pray.  Every day I pray.  I pray that God opens doors for us to live off auto-pilot.  I pray He opens doors for Nick to be as fulfilled and appreciated in his work as much as he desires and deserves.  I pray that He grants us opportunities to truly rely on Him and His will for us.  There are so many unknowns about this, but I rest safely in the arms of the One who DOES know about tomorrow and what it holds.

Disjointed Thoughts

I haven't really been thinking about babies too much lately. I've been busy and stressed out with school, and my mom, and photography.  I've been playing soccer, and going to house church, and trying to train for a half-marathon that I am probably going to be walking now.  I have 100 hours of professional development to do in the next 2 months, and our kids are in the home stretch before testing, so there's a bunch of extra planning to do.

That's when you get pregnant, though, right?  When you're not thinking about it?

Well, the problem with being so busy is that you're too tired to do the deed that you need to do to get pregnant in the first place.

Oops.  Guess I'd better get on that.

My 31st birthday is this week.  I didn't think I'd hit 31 without a baby, but that's how life goes sometimes.  Guess 31 is my big year.  Christy says I shouldn't try to get pregnant around my birthday, because then we'll have a Christmas baby.  I guess right now I'm not too concerned about that.  Any baby will do right now. :)

I have been thinking about the day that I'll get to tell my mom and dad, and Nick.  I've been racking my brain to figure out how to do it.  I want it to be fun and special.  I can't think of anything unique.  Maybe doing some kind of picture or something.  Or a song.  Who knows.

Topic for next post: Seattle

Birth Control Drawback...

There is at least one major drawback to not being on birth control.

I have 8 HUGE zits on my face right now, and my back hurts so badly from acne that I can barely lean back in my chair. THIS is why I went on it in the first place!

No baby this month

Guess the title says it all.

Hahaha

Maybe I don't want kids....

tick, tock, tick, tock.

Went to a friend's house tonight to scrapbook.  She took us up to the new baby's room to look at bedding and clothes.

Le sigh.

Be Warned: This Post (might be) TMI.

I haven't written. Things got pretty crazy around here with my mom's health, and I wasn't really in the mood to write.  I was going to apologize for it, but that's the way life is.  And if I'm worried about blogging about my life instead of living my life, then I have bigger problems.

I really wanted to talk about the article I posted before.  Because I really think taking birth control pills ruined sex for me for a while.  This quote helps explain why:

The synthetic estrogen increases levels of a protein called sex-hormone-binding globulin (SHBG), which adheres to testosterone and makes it less available to the body. The result can be a crash in desire, muted orgasms, or pain during sex, according to Irwin Goldstein, M.D., director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego.

I can definitely attest to that one!  I actually wondered for a while what all the hype about sex was, because it just wasn't that fun for me.  It hurt.  If given the choice between sex and something else, I would always choose something else.

About a year or so after we were married, I had a great get-together with some friends.  The topic of sex came up, and I mentioned how un-fun it was for me.  They were very concerned for me (understandably).  After reading this article, I think maybe I wasn't so crazy.  I mean, "muted orgasms"?  Um, yeah.

As soon as I went off of the pill, sex became a lot less painful and a lot more fun.  And I realized that maybe I had been missing out for a long time!

I'll write more about this later when I have time, but here's an article I found interesting.

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/sexual-health/birth-control/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100246783&gt1=31051

Feeling more pressure than ever to have a baby.

It won't be a surprise to anyone if we get pregnant now.

More Dreams

Had THE most realistic dream about a positive pregancy test last night.  So real, in fact, that I woke up looking for the test I had taken.  Couldn't find one, so I took one.


Nope, still negative.

Result

Well, it was negative.



But wow--my heart was POUNDING.  And I did look super close to see if maybe there was a little *hint* of a plus, but no.  Straight negative.


I read online, though, that you shouldn't take it after you've had a lot of liquids--which I had had.  So, I might take it again.  Tomorrow morning, when the hormones are supposed to be the most potent, or whatever.  And my friend Christy tells me that she had a negative test when she was pregnant with her first.  Maybe I'll wait until next Friday.  Don't know if I can wait, though.

Hmmm....

So, I've been nauseated today.  I'm supposed to start my period this week or next week.  When do I take a test?

Have you missed your period? (not yet) Are you bloated? (aren't I always?) Maybe your breasts are sore? (umm,yeah--see breastfeeding dream post) Or perhaps, you simply have a feeling?  (these days, I ALWAYS have a feeling)

Dreaming....

I have a lot of baby/pregnancy-related dreams.  They used to be nightmares, but about a year ago they transitioned into dreams.  How do I know the difference?  In my nightmares, I would wake up in a panic, sweating, heart racing.  I would have nightmares about sleeping through my baby's crying; coming home with a baby and having absolutely no supplies for it; not being able to find my baby's room.

Now, I have dreams.  And sometimes, the dreams are of nightmare-quality material, but in my dreams I'm questioning and wondering about how things work, instead of waking up in a cold sweat.  Last night was a breastfeeding dream.  It was weird.  I was breastfeeding for the first time in this public place, and there were people watching me (they had faces that I recognized, but I will not name--for their sake, and for mine).  They were giving me a grade.  But I was having trouble because the baby's was too big and I was too small.  Like I said, weird.

Reminder to Self: write about too long of a wait=okay and pill effects

Getting Ready...

I think of names all the time.  Lucas, Sydney, Princess Consuela.  :)

I've already bought some baby clothes.  First piece I bought over a year ago.

As well as a couple of books.  Half-price books.  I couldn't resist the furry dog book!

Some friends told me yesterday that I don't need to buy any clothes or baby toys, because they'll have plenty for me.  Yay!

I have lots of baby outfitting websites bookmarked:
http://www.knuckleheadsclothing.com/
http://www.elislids.com/index.shtml
http://www.robin-rosenthal.com/poster.html
http://sewmamasew.com/blog2/?p=525
http://www.etsy.com/shop/tikakids

What is contentment?

con*tent*ment [kuhn-tent-muhnt] –noun

the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.

Bible Dictionary:
a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be (1 Tim. 6:6; 2 Cor. 9:8). It is opposed to envy (James 3:16), avarice (Heb. 13:5), ambition (Prov. 13:10), anxiety (Matt. 6:25, 34), and repining (fret) (1 Cor. 10:10). It arises from the inward disposition, and is the offspring of humility, and of an intelligent consideration of the rectitude (moral virtue) and benignity (kindness) of divine providence (Ps. 96:1, 2; 145), the greatness of the divine promises (2 Pet. 1:4), and our own unworthiness (Gen. 32:10); as well as from the view the gospel opens up to us of rest and peace hereafter (Rom. 5:2).

Wishing....and hoping....

It seems like everyone I know is having babies.  Again, I'm sure this is something that prospective moms feel like all the time.  But it's true!  On New Year's Eve, one of our friends announced that she was pregnant with her second baby.  She's a couple years younger than me, and she's on her second!  Girls I went to high school with are on their third, or fourth.  One girl even had her sixth already!  Am I way behind, or what?

And I feel like I'm seeing baby things all the time.  Everywhere I go there's commercials, movies, friends, cute baby clothes.  It's enough to make a girl go crazy.  I'm trying not to bug Nick about it.  It's hard when I feel like a bunch of the conversations with our friends end up going down the baby lane.  There's another girl that we go to church with that also has baby fever.  She and her husband are going to start trying soon (well, actually, they've started--she said first of the year), so our convos naturally head down that direction.  I'm trying not to let on that Nick and I are trying, though.  I just talk with her about how she's feeling.  I'm pretty sure she has no idea about us.

In fact, no one knows.  Well, that's not true.  I told my mom, dad, and sister that we had stopped preventing.  I also told my friends Sara, Pam, and Christy about this blog.  So, there's 6 people that know.  I want it to be a surprise.  On New Year's Eve, it was really fun for me.  We played this game called "The Game of Things".  (I won't take time to explain it here, but if you haven't played it with a group of friends, you should.  I'll let you borrow it, if you'd like!)  Anyways, a lot of the responses were about "making babies", or things of that nature.  And the people in our group were kidding around about how that response wouldn't belong to Nick!  They were also reminiscing about a time when one of them asked Nick to hold their baby for a second, and how Nick had held the kid so far away from himself.  :)  I laughed and teased right along with them, but inside, I'm thinking, "He wants to have a baby with me now!!"  I want to keep it a secret, because I CANNOT WAIT to see the faces of people when Nick and I announce that we're pregnant someday!

As excited as I am to have babies, I don't feel really anxious about it.  I'm enjoying my life.  I'm super busy.  I'm working on my school work (finally feeling like I'm on top of it).  I'm continuing to build my photography business.  I'm (mostly) keeping my home in order.  A baby would be nice, but I'm not stressed about it.  I'm just wishing and hoping...

You've been COUNTING?

As I said, Nick is the main reason why we didn't have kids right away.  I was also happy to not have kids.  About 2 years into our marriage, however, I was ready to have kids.  But I wanted it to be a mutual decision.  I've always had this fear that Nick would regret being "saddled with kids".  Like he's the main character in "Knocked Up" or "The Hangover".  Like he would be looking for every chance he could get to get out of it, or resent me for taking him away from his "man time" or something.  I never wanted to be that kind of girl.  I was willing to put my own wants and desires aside in order to make him happy--isn't that what marriage is about?

So, I never wanted to push.  And Nick never changed his mind.

Going into the month of November, I was just about to run out of my supply of pills, and I was going to need to order some more.  Right around that time, I told Nick that I was thinking about maybe not ordering any more, fully expecting his eyes to bug out.  Instead, it ended up being like this scene from "Friends", because Nick said, "That'd be okay."

WHAT?!?!?  (watch from the 4:30 to 5:50 mark)



I could not believe it!  He said "Yeah, I've been doing some counting.  It might be okay to wait a couple of more months, so that you're not getting pregnant when school is just starting, but I think it would be okay to stop preventing it."

My mouth literally dropped open, and I had trouble talking.  Then I stared into his eyes, and just kept asking him, "Are you serious?  You've been counting?  Are you serious?  You want to make a baby with me?  Are you serious?"  I just couldn't believe he was saying what he was saying!

He said that he had been thinking that we could stop protecting ourselves, and then one day I could have a creative way to tell him that I was pregnant.  He said, "That would be fun."  WHAT??  Worlds colliding, planets shifting...

After the initial shock (which didn't wear off for a couple of days), I was so excited.  So, we started our clean slate in November.  Of course, the time in November when I was ovulating he wouldn't touch me (HE HAD CHECKED ONLINE FOR WHEN THAT WOULD BE!).  :)  I cannot express how crazy it was (and still is) to me that he had checked on all of this stuff without even telling me.

Of course, then he became as sexy as hell to me.  :)  Not like he wasn't before, but this was now my super-sexy man who wanted to make a baby with me!  Hummina, hummina.  haha

The only one going as planned...what kind of plan should I have...really?

Warning: This post is full of questions, and lacking in answers.

I've always been twinged with discomfort when I hear couples' "plans" for having kids.  Especially if I know those people to be Christians.  (Disclaimer: I am a Christian, and Nick and I have a plan for kids.  So I know--I'm preaching to the choir here.)  After all: as Christians, doesn't God determine our steps?  Aren't we supposed to be leaving the future completely up to Him?  In the age of birth control, it seems like we have completely taken the planning out of God's hands and put it firmly into ours.  Isn't this so human?  We want control of everything!

This is one of those things where I have serious questions about the philosophical implications of birth control; but at the same time, the possibility of having a baby in our first year of marriage (or on our honeymoon) made me break out into a cold sweat and wake up with nightmares!  (I used to make fun of my friend Sara because she always said her greatest fear was "getting pregnant on her honeymoon"--until I grew up and realized that it was my fear as well!)  I mean, should I have given complete control of our "Baby Makin Journey" to God, and gone au natural when it comes to the baby-making itself?  Should Christians be using birth control of any method?  Or should we rely on God's Will to be our birth control?

Then there's that image of me as one half of Jon and Kate or the Duggars, and I shudder and pop the pill into my mouth.

I don't want to get into some big, philosophical argument about this.  But I really questioned a lot internally about the birth control aspect of our marriage.

I also wonder about it's effects on my body now.  I'm 30.  Not elderly, but also not a spring chicken.  Has being on the Pill for 5 years ruined some of the best eggs my body will produce?  If we have difficulty getting pregnant, what will that mean for me?  How will that affect me emotionally?

I have several friends who have been on both sides of the birth control spectrum, with varied results:  Some people who never took birth control and had immense difficulty getting pregnant; Some who were on birth control, but got pregnant anyway.  In both of these instances, I feel like God was getting the ultimate say in His plan.  He had a timetable for their lives, and regardless of their plans, He has worked out their family exactly as He saw fit.  But for me, who as of right now is firmly planted in the "doing it the way we planned it" category, will I feel like when we do get pregnant that it is blessed with God's perfect timing?  Or will I feel like I've finally allowed Him to work in my life according to my own timetable?

As a child of God, I want Him to be glorified in my life.  I worry that maybe I took too much of His Will out of my "plans".  What kind of plan should I have been making for myself?  Should I even have had a plan?