A friend of mine wrote me an email in response to my post a few days ago, and it spoke so clearly to me that I wanted to keep a record of it. So I've decided to post the text here. To this friend: your words came in a moment I desperately needed to hear these specific words of encouragement. I am so thankful for you, and will continue to return to these words over the next few months, I am sure!
"Love the blog. I thought about commenting on the post, but then I
thought I'd just write you. Oh my friend, you are in full-blown
motherdom. There are few situations in which a person can fill such
INTENSE mixed emotions. You feel like *&%$ right now. It makes sense
that you would be depressed. It makes sense that you don't know whether
or not to be excited. It makes sense that nannying is hard (I don't
really like babysitting much at all, unless it's for kids I love, and
even then....well.) It's like marriage...the hardest thing and the most
wonderful thing. But once you look into those little eyes, those eyes
that are part Allison and part Nick, you will fall in love in a whole
new way. Yes, it will be crazy, and you won't know what you're doing,
and you'll wonder who signed you up for this, but you will do it. And a
few years down the road, you'll be writing to a pregnant friend and
telling her the same thing.
I remember those days of early pregnancy. They sucked. I just wanted
them to be over. Every day dragged on forever. But then one day, I felt
something lifting. And the next day I felt a little better. And the next
day I dared to hope the sickness was subsiding. And then it did (I know
that as a teacher you taught your kids not to start sentences with "and
then." I'm a rebel.) You are going to be an incredible mother. When
those feelings of doubt or anger or depression or frustration come, know
that they are totally normal, and if you can, try to turn them into a
prayer (hmmm, I'm one to talk...) I know it must be so hard not to have
your mom to talk to about all of this. I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine
how badly that hurts and the depth of the loss you feel. The one thing I
know though, is that your mom gave birth to baby who would become an
incredible woman, who is talented, smart, funny, fun-loving, radiant,
creative, positive, beautiful, and most of all a child of God, who will
herself be an amazing mother.
I'm here for you. PLEASE tell me what I can do and how I can help. I
know it feels like you're in a dark hole with a cloud hanging over you,
but keep going, my friend. You are running a marathon of sorts...but you
are an amazing runner, and more importantly, you know the One who can
teach you how to run.
I love you!!"
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
That was a first.
Just ordered my first maternity clothes!
I got some basics from Old Navy:
4 tops,
3 tanks,
1 pair of trouser jeans (demi panel)
and 1 pair of dark wash skinny jeans (full panel)
Awesome, except I totally forgot to use my employee discount, so when everything comes in, I'm going to have to go and get the price adjusted in the store. Maternity brain strikes again!!
Speaking of maternity brain, here is the best example so far:
I went to In-N-Out for dinner one night (fries craving), and when I got up to the window, I gave them my credit card. Well, they don't take AmEx--which was weird, because I knew that, and that isn't the card I would normally use. I look through my wallet, and I CANNOT find my regular card. I kind of start freaking out a little bit, because I can't remember where I would've put it, or when I would've used it last. There were people behind me and in front of me in the drive thru, and I was super embarrassed. Thankfully, the manager just asked me to come back and pay later, and they would give me my food (didn't even have to tell him I was pregnant--yay In-N-Out). I get home, and am getting my stuff together (and worrying about how I am going to pay them, because I don't have any cash or anything), and I notice that my credit card I was searching for....was in my lap. I then remembered that at the beginning of the drive-thru line, I thought I would save myself some time by getting my card out early--but then I completely forgot that I did that!
Duh.
p.s. Yes, I DID go back to In-N-Out and pay.
I got some basics from Old Navy:
4 tops,
3 tanks,
1 pair of trouser jeans (demi panel)
and 1 pair of dark wash skinny jeans (full panel)
Awesome, except I totally forgot to use my employee discount, so when everything comes in, I'm going to have to go and get the price adjusted in the store. Maternity brain strikes again!!
Speaking of maternity brain, here is the best example so far:
I went to In-N-Out for dinner one night (fries craving), and when I got up to the window, I gave them my credit card. Well, they don't take AmEx--which was weird, because I knew that, and that isn't the card I would normally use. I look through my wallet, and I CANNOT find my regular card. I kind of start freaking out a little bit, because I can't remember where I would've put it, or when I would've used it last. There were people behind me and in front of me in the drive thru, and I was super embarrassed. Thankfully, the manager just asked me to come back and pay later, and they would give me my food (didn't even have to tell him I was pregnant--yay In-N-Out). I get home, and am getting my stuff together (and worrying about how I am going to pay them, because I don't have any cash or anything), and I notice that my credit card I was searching for....was in my lap. I then remembered that at the beginning of the drive-thru line, I thought I would save myself some time by getting my card out early--but then I completely forgot that I did that!
Duh.
p.s. Yes, I DID go back to In-N-Out and pay.
Friday, September 14, 2012
This is as real as it gets.
I've been struggling on whether I should/how I should write this. Because I have heard the responses to it so often. And I'm supposed to be happy. After all, I'm finally pregnant! But at the same time, this needs to be a place to journal my thoughts. My friend here in LA said that she used to journal on the hard days. I am going to want to know how I was feeling when I was pregnant. And, God forbid, if I never get to see my kids when they are pregnant, I want them to know what it was like for me. Because I have no idea what it was like for my mom to be pregnant, other than hearing her say several times that she loved being pregnant.
Right now, I don't understand that statement. Because I don't love being pregnant. In fact, it has been 11 weeks and 1 day of torture. Sick, tired, indigestion, depressed, hungry, nauseous, fat-feeling. I have felt all of these things on repeat and it has not been fun.
I'm also not excited right now to have a baby. I know I *should* be. I know I have waited all this time, and everyone else is excited, so I should be excited, but I'm not.
I think a big part of this is because of my job. I have not enjoyed nannying. I have tolerated it, but I have not enjoyed it on a consistent basis. So many people have said, "You're getting such great training!" What I want to say is that although it might have been great training in theory, I would much rather have been doing these difficult days with a fussing, screaming child with a baby that I LOVE unconditionally. Instead, I have done it with a child that I got to know as we went along, and to be honest, most of the time it just pissed me off. The first 3 months of my job were full of frustration and tears for me, and although it has improved since then, it has only been a marginal improvement. I just find myself getting more and more irritated with things (both that I have to deal with at nannying, and what I see just out-and-about), and thinking about having to deal with a newborn of my own is just overwhelmingly exhausting to think about.
I get irritated when I hear a screaming baby out in public, and then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and am going to have to deal with a screaming baby. I get frustrated when little man won't stop screaming in his crib for no reason at all other than he is mad--but then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and babies aren't logical, and I am going to have to deal with the same thing with my own kid. I can't function well or behave nicely if I don't get adequate sleep, and everyone keeps reminding me that I am not going to get any sleep after the baby is born, which just unnerves me. And although it is shallow and selfish, I look at my body and realize that it is never going to be the same (and is only going to get fatter), and I get sad.
(reading that paragraph back, it all sounds so selfish. but again--this is how I am feeling, selfishness and all. at the root of everything is my selfishness, and how this baby has gotten "in the way" of what I thought my life was going to do.)
It also seems like I am only hearing more and more of the frustrations that people have with their kids. People saying that newborns are hard work and no fun. People posting about the frustrating or irritating things that their kids are doing. It really discourages me as a pregnant mom, and almost makes me regret our decisions.
I know. I know all the retorts to this. "It's different with your own kids.""You'll feel differently when you're not sick all the time." "Babies are wonderful."
But those statements are little satisfaction to me these days. It's one of the reasons why I am quitting nannying. I need some time to be able to enjoy the fact that I am going to have a baby that is just me and Nick's. I need to be able to enjoy this time of being pregnant, and feeling my body change and appreciate that this is exactly as God has ordained it to be. That being a mom, and going through these changes, and dealing with these conflicting emotions is completely normal. And when I am getting frustrated daily by a baby, it's not so good for my level of understanding, or my excitement level.
I am happy when I read about other moms who have been sick or depressed their first trimester, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. But I worry that I AM alone in my not being 100% behind this baby right now. Can I just give birth to a well-behaved 8-year old? Because I could deal with that. 8-year olds I get. 8-day olds I don't.
Right now, I don't understand that statement. Because I don't love being pregnant. In fact, it has been 11 weeks and 1 day of torture. Sick, tired, indigestion, depressed, hungry, nauseous, fat-feeling. I have felt all of these things on repeat and it has not been fun.
I'm also not excited right now to have a baby. I know I *should* be. I know I have waited all this time, and everyone else is excited, so I should be excited, but I'm not.
I think a big part of this is because of my job. I have not enjoyed nannying. I have tolerated it, but I have not enjoyed it on a consistent basis. So many people have said, "You're getting such great training!" What I want to say is that although it might have been great training in theory, I would much rather have been doing these difficult days with a fussing, screaming child with a baby that I LOVE unconditionally. Instead, I have done it with a child that I got to know as we went along, and to be honest, most of the time it just pissed me off. The first 3 months of my job were full of frustration and tears for me, and although it has improved since then, it has only been a marginal improvement. I just find myself getting more and more irritated with things (both that I have to deal with at nannying, and what I see just out-and-about), and thinking about having to deal with a newborn of my own is just overwhelmingly exhausting to think about.
I get irritated when I hear a screaming baby out in public, and then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and am going to have to deal with a screaming baby. I get frustrated when little man won't stop screaming in his crib for no reason at all other than he is mad--but then I get upset because I realize that I am pregnant and babies aren't logical, and I am going to have to deal with the same thing with my own kid. I can't function well or behave nicely if I don't get adequate sleep, and everyone keeps reminding me that I am not going to get any sleep after the baby is born, which just unnerves me. And although it is shallow and selfish, I look at my body and realize that it is never going to be the same (and is only going to get fatter), and I get sad.
(reading that paragraph back, it all sounds so selfish. but again--this is how I am feeling, selfishness and all. at the root of everything is my selfishness, and how this baby has gotten "in the way" of what I thought my life was going to do.)
It also seems like I am only hearing more and more of the frustrations that people have with their kids. People saying that newborns are hard work and no fun. People posting about the frustrating or irritating things that their kids are doing. It really discourages me as a pregnant mom, and almost makes me regret our decisions.
I know. I know all the retorts to this. "It's different with your own kids.""You'll feel differently when you're not sick all the time." "Babies are wonderful."
But those statements are little satisfaction to me these days. It's one of the reasons why I am quitting nannying. I need some time to be able to enjoy the fact that I am going to have a baby that is just me and Nick's. I need to be able to enjoy this time of being pregnant, and feeling my body change and appreciate that this is exactly as God has ordained it to be. That being a mom, and going through these changes, and dealing with these conflicting emotions is completely normal. And when I am getting frustrated daily by a baby, it's not so good for my level of understanding, or my excitement level.
I am happy when I read about other moms who have been sick or depressed their first trimester, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. But I worry that I AM alone in my not being 100% behind this baby right now. Can I just give birth to a well-behaved 8-year old? Because I could deal with that. 8-year olds I get. 8-day olds I don't.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Maternity Musings
Haven't posted in a little while, so here's some things in tidbits:
* Every time I poop these days, I want to throw a party for my intestinal tract, simply because it is such an infrequent occurrence.
* Milk is amazingly good tasting. The major acne it puts on my back isn't worth it, though.
* I am still nauseous all day, every day. This makes me very cranky and frustrated. I will write more about this soon.
* Cheese is also amazingly delicious. This does not help with point #1.
* I'm staying busy--really getting involved at church. I work in Sunday school every week, and I'm going to start helping out in the women's ministry. I love my church and the people in it, so I'm happy to do it. Girls on the Run also starts this week.
* I am in the home stretch for nannying. My last day is September 27.
* I worked at Old Navy on Labor Day. Gotta keep my discount for baby clothes and maternity wardrobe! I bought a sweatshirt for.... $0.31!!! Christy would be proud. :)
* I made a pork loin for dinner the other night. I ate one bite and threw the rest of mine on Nick's plate. I do not eat pork, apparently.
* I have woken up at 3am every morning the last couple of weeks. I wake up ravenous. I should really start keeping food by my bed.
* Note to self: although you want to have birth photography done, do NOT watch entire slideshows of examples. It WILL freak you out.
* I am shooting 3 weddings the rest of the weekends in September. The photographers that I work for are having twins, and she was just put on bed rest. So I am taking over for her the next 3 Saturdays. It's days like that I wish I could still drink caffeine. I'm going to be TIRED!!!
* Speaking of tired, I have gone to bed at the average time of 9:30pm. I also take 2 naps during the day.
* Every time I poop these days, I want to throw a party for my intestinal tract, simply because it is such an infrequent occurrence.
* Milk is amazingly good tasting. The major acne it puts on my back isn't worth it, though.
* I am still nauseous all day, every day. This makes me very cranky and frustrated. I will write more about this soon.
* Cheese is also amazingly delicious. This does not help with point #1.
* I'm staying busy--really getting involved at church. I work in Sunday school every week, and I'm going to start helping out in the women's ministry. I love my church and the people in it, so I'm happy to do it. Girls on the Run also starts this week.
* I am in the home stretch for nannying. My last day is September 27.
* I worked at Old Navy on Labor Day. Gotta keep my discount for baby clothes and maternity wardrobe! I bought a sweatshirt for.... $0.31!!! Christy would be proud. :)
* I made a pork loin for dinner the other night. I ate one bite and threw the rest of mine on Nick's plate. I do not eat pork, apparently.
* I have woken up at 3am every morning the last couple of weeks. I wake up ravenous. I should really start keeping food by my bed.
* Note to self: although you want to have birth photography done, do NOT watch entire slideshows of examples. It WILL freak you out.
* I am shooting 3 weddings the rest of the weekends in September. The photographers that I work for are having twins, and she was just put on bed rest. So I am taking over for her the next 3 Saturdays. It's days like that I wish I could still drink caffeine. I'm going to be TIRED!!!
* Speaking of tired, I have gone to bed at the average time of 9:30pm. I also take 2 naps during the day.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
First Appointment
August 22nd was the big day: our first doctor's appointment!
So, at the doctor, they did an transvaginal ultrasound. This is common now for early pregnancy detection. It's a lot more reliable and can show a lot more detail than a traditional on-the-stomach ultrasound. Let me tell you, that is a big ball of fun. When it wasn't mildly uncomfortable, it was outright awkward. Especially the part where she moved it this certain way and pressed on my bladder somehow and made me pee everywhere. Awesomeness. I guess those ultrasound techs have seen it all. And I guess I need to get over my embarrassment of having random things coming out of me at all times.
It was pretty amazing seeing that little chicken nugget, though. Seeing the little flutter of the heartbeat. I literally could have laid there all morning and watched it. As it was, it was over much too quickly. While she was doing checks of my ovaries, etc, she was taking pictures and measurements. They played a small moment of the heartbeat over the speakers--which Nick thinks is just an mp3 that they use to play for everyone. So romantic, that Nick.
When the doctor came in, she let me know that they found two cysts, one on each ovary. One of them is smaller (about 2cm), and liquid-filled, which is common, and will probably dissolve on its own. The other is larger (3.5cm), and solid. She said it can be any sort of things, like hair and teeth--and all of a sudden, I could not get the conversation from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" out of my head! Here it is, if you don't remember:
Anyway, after laughing hysterically to myself (and trying to remember that the doctor just told me about cysts, so I should probably not laugh out loud), I asked what that means. She said they would keep an eye on it each time they do an ultrasound. If I end up having a C-section, they will take it out, but it would be "more hassle than it is worth" to take it out now. But she isn't worried about it, so I shouldn't be, either.
All-in-all, the 1st appointment went well. The doctor's office was super-busy. And I don't feel like they did anything special for me, considering this is my first baby and all. We talked a little bit about delivery options (she wanted to know which hospital I was thinking of), and when I mentioned that I wanted to go as natural as possible, she suggested getting a midwife. There are several doulas at our church that I am going to talk to. Surprisingly, places like Family Beginnings Center at Miami Valley Hospital are really rare--there aren't ANY natural birthing centers in hospitals anywhere nearby. It kind of shocked me, since we are living in nature-baby central California, but we're also living in lawsuit central, so a lot of those places don't exist.
So, at the doctor, they did an transvaginal ultrasound. This is common now for early pregnancy detection. It's a lot more reliable and can show a lot more detail than a traditional on-the-stomach ultrasound. Let me tell you, that is a big ball of fun. When it wasn't mildly uncomfortable, it was outright awkward. Especially the part where she moved it this certain way and pressed on my bladder somehow and made me pee everywhere. Awesomeness. I guess those ultrasound techs have seen it all. And I guess I need to get over my embarrassment of having random things coming out of me at all times.
It was pretty amazing seeing that little chicken nugget, though. Seeing the little flutter of the heartbeat. I literally could have laid there all morning and watched it. As it was, it was over much too quickly. While she was doing checks of my ovaries, etc, she was taking pictures and measurements. They played a small moment of the heartbeat over the speakers--which Nick thinks is just an mp3 that they use to play for everyone. So romantic, that Nick.
When the doctor came in, she let me know that they found two cysts, one on each ovary. One of them is smaller (about 2cm), and liquid-filled, which is common, and will probably dissolve on its own. The other is larger (3.5cm), and solid. She said it can be any sort of things, like hair and teeth--and all of a sudden, I could not get the conversation from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" out of my head! Here it is, if you don't remember:
Anyway, after laughing hysterically to myself (and trying to remember that the doctor just told me about cysts, so I should probably not laugh out loud), I asked what that means. She said they would keep an eye on it each time they do an ultrasound. If I end up having a C-section, they will take it out, but it would be "more hassle than it is worth" to take it out now. But she isn't worried about it, so I shouldn't be, either.
All-in-all, the 1st appointment went well. The doctor's office was super-busy. And I don't feel like they did anything special for me, considering this is my first baby and all. We talked a little bit about delivery options (she wanted to know which hospital I was thinking of), and when I mentioned that I wanted to go as natural as possible, she suggested getting a midwife. There are several doulas at our church that I am going to talk to. Surprisingly, places like Family Beginnings Center at Miami Valley Hospital are really rare--there aren't ANY natural birthing centers in hospitals anywhere nearby. It kind of shocked me, since we are living in nature-baby central California, but we're also living in lawsuit central, so a lot of those places don't exist.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Telling Nick's Mom
We had sent Nick's mom the picture of us holding the ultrasound. Nick had teased her by saying that the doctor had found a couple of cysts, and we sent her some information that the doctor gave us. She didn't quite understand the picture at first, but then she figured it out, as you can tell.
Yes, we are mean that we made his mom think I had cancer at first. But she had been texting ALL DAY, non stop, and so we wanted to have it be some kind of a surprise. The cyst idea was Nick's.
Yes, we are mean that we made his mom think I had cancer at first. But she had been texting ALL DAY, non stop, and so we wanted to have it be some kind of a surprise. The cyst idea was Nick's.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Telling My Dad
After trying futilely for over a half-hour to Skype with Dad, I finally just speaker phoned a conversation with him. Sent him the picture from the previous entry, and he opened it while we were on the phone. It was so cute hearing the excitement in his voice!
Got this email in return from him shortly after:
"Great news! So many people will be excited with you when they find out. Mom and Mamaw and Grandpa got to find out first. Hope the sickness abates soon. Love, Dad/Gramps"
Telling Nick's mom tomorrow!
Got this email in return from him shortly after:
"Great news! So many people will be excited with you when they find out. Mom and Mamaw and Grandpa got to find out first. Hope the sickness abates soon. Love, Dad/Gramps"
Telling Nick's mom tomorrow!
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