There have been so many things I have wanted to write about over the last 3 weeks, but just a lack of time has prevented it. I'm sad, because I have forgotten many things, and I wanted to have that record of how I was feeling.
I have had it suggested to me that I might have some postpartum depression. I can see how that might be the case. But I really don't feel like I'm spiraling. I'm getting out of bed every day without any problems. I want to take care of Avonlea. I want to take care of my house, and Nick.
This was not the case when we first came home with Avonlea.
The first 2 days we were at home (Friday, Saturday and Sunday), I was spiraling. I felt myself falling into this pit, and not seeing any way out of it. I was crying constantly. I was in pain (a little from the surgery, but mostly from breastfeeding), and the pain was directly a result of my daughter's latching problems--which, in turn, made me hate her. Have you ever experienced what it is like to hate your daughter?
At that point, I decided to stop breastfeeding. Avonlea was extremely frustrated with each feeding--she was breathing fast and crying and getting angrier and more frustrated at each feeding, and I was bleeding and in pain throughout the entire feeding. And, she would cry constantly between feedings, too.
I kept pumping, but Sunday afternoon I decided that I had to stop, for at least a day. I needed to let my nipples heal, and I needed to take a step away so that I didn't continue these feelings of resentment towards Avonlea. I was crying non-stop throughout the feedings at that point.
I felt like a failure. I mean, I couldn't even breastfeed for 3 days! But on Monday, I talked to a lot of momma friends. And they assured me that no matter what happened with breastfeeding, I was still a good mom. I was the best mom for Avonlea. And she was healthy and was going to be fine, whether I breastfed, or fed breastmilk from a bottle, or had to go back to formula.
Monday was hard. But it was also good. Because by the end of the day, I gave myself permission to not breastfeed. I gave myself permission to do what was best for my mental sanity. And though it hurt my heart, and was yet ANOTHER thing that didn't go the way I planned, I felt myself leaving the downward spiral. I was okay. She would be okay.
She did well on the bottle, and I felt my sanity slowly returning. I was able to look at things rationally again, and though I was still tired and emotional, I was able to be that way without feeling like I was drowning.
But I didn't want to give up on breastfeeding. I made an appointment with a lactation consultant separate from the hospital. I tried to contact the lady from the hospital several times, but couldn't get in touch with her. So, I got some recommendations from friends in the area. I made the appointment on Thursday, and so I decided to continue to bottle-feed until the appointment.
Bottle feeding was easy in some ways, and difficult in others. Nick could feed her--definite ease. I knew she was getting nutrition--definite ease. One difficulty, though, was just the timing. While Avonlea was awake, I pumped while she ate--definitely glad this was happening while Nick was home for the week! But overnight, she would eat at 3-hour intervals, and I was needing to pump every 2 hours. Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep.
Thursday came, and I was extremely nervous. Would going back to breastfeeding make me a crazy person again? The appointment went well. Mina noted that it was a combination of the time on the bottle in the NICU, plus my overproduction (making it difficult for Avonlea to latch), plus Avonlea's narrow latch that was making things so difficult. She recommended using the nipple shield while breastfeeding, at least for a little while. Working on Avonlea's lip positioning during feeding would help protect myself. She also suggested breastfeeding during the day and pumping at night for a little bit, so that I could continue to heal.
I left the appointment feeling good, but when we got home, the familiar sinking feeling started to creep over me--it stems from wondering if what I am doing is right, and the logistics of timing and other things breastfeeding-related.
I eventually realized I just need to relax in it. I didn't read any books--that was one of the first good pieces of advice I got--I realized the books I was reading were helping to make me feel inadequate, so I stopped reading them. I just needed to trust my body and what Avonlea was telling me.
I did the breastfeeding during the day and pumping at night for 2 nights--but quickly went to breastfeeding exclusively after realizing how much more sleep I would get. As I posted before, I cherish my sleep.
The feelings of drowning stopped on Friday. I just started trusting myself. I was having some fever (which was production-related), so I wasn't feeling 100%, but at least I felt like my brain wasn't mushy.
It's been over a week now, and it is going well. My production is evening out--Avonlea has gone 5 hours at night between feedings, and I don't feel like I'm going to die quite so much anymore. But, I think I'm going to start waking her up at the 4-hour mark anyway, so that she sleeps better, and so that I sleep better, too.
She eats every 2 hours during the day (when she stays awake), or every 3-4 hours if she takes a nap. At her appointment last week, she was up to 9lbs 6.5oz, so I know she's getting plenty of nutrition. Now, I'm just thinking about her face--she gets horrible acne after feedings--and her tummy--she seems to be really uncomfortable, and is often squirmy during feedings. She's been spitting up a little bit, and is in a general state of fussiness all the time.
I'm not eating dairy right now, and I've been working on other things to make her tummy happy. She burps really well, but she's still fussy a lot, especially in the morning (before 10) and in the evening (from 6-9ish).
But she's been a champion sleeper--last night was the best yet, with her sleeping from 10 to 9, getting up three times to eat.
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