I'll write more about this later when I have time, but here's an article I found interesting.

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/sexual-health/birth-control/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100246783&gt1=31051

Feeling more pressure than ever to have a baby.

It won't be a surprise to anyone if we get pregnant now.

More Dreams

Had THE most realistic dream about a positive pregancy test last night.  So real, in fact, that I woke up looking for the test I had taken.  Couldn't find one, so I took one.


Nope, still negative.

Result

Well, it was negative.



But wow--my heart was POUNDING.  And I did look super close to see if maybe there was a little *hint* of a plus, but no.  Straight negative.


I read online, though, that you shouldn't take it after you've had a lot of liquids--which I had had.  So, I might take it again.  Tomorrow morning, when the hormones are supposed to be the most potent, or whatever.  And my friend Christy tells me that she had a negative test when she was pregnant with her first.  Maybe I'll wait until next Friday.  Don't know if I can wait, though.

Hmmm....

So, I've been nauseated today.  I'm supposed to start my period this week or next week.  When do I take a test?

Have you missed your period? (not yet) Are you bloated? (aren't I always?) Maybe your breasts are sore? (umm,yeah--see breastfeeding dream post) Or perhaps, you simply have a feeling?  (these days, I ALWAYS have a feeling)

Dreaming....

I have a lot of baby/pregnancy-related dreams.  They used to be nightmares, but about a year ago they transitioned into dreams.  How do I know the difference?  In my nightmares, I would wake up in a panic, sweating, heart racing.  I would have nightmares about sleeping through my baby's crying; coming home with a baby and having absolutely no supplies for it; not being able to find my baby's room.

Now, I have dreams.  And sometimes, the dreams are of nightmare-quality material, but in my dreams I'm questioning and wondering about how things work, instead of waking up in a cold sweat.  Last night was a breastfeeding dream.  It was weird.  I was breastfeeding for the first time in this public place, and there were people watching me (they had faces that I recognized, but I will not name--for their sake, and for mine).  They were giving me a grade.  But I was having trouble because the baby's was too big and I was too small.  Like I said, weird.

Reminder to Self: write about too long of a wait=okay and pill effects

Getting Ready...

I think of names all the time.  Lucas, Sydney, Princess Consuela.  :)

I've already bought some baby clothes.  First piece I bought over a year ago.

As well as a couple of books.  Half-price books.  I couldn't resist the furry dog book!

Some friends told me yesterday that I don't need to buy any clothes or baby toys, because they'll have plenty for me.  Yay!

I have lots of baby outfitting websites bookmarked:
http://www.knuckleheadsclothing.com/
http://www.elislids.com/index.shtml
http://www.robin-rosenthal.com/poster.html
http://sewmamasew.com/blog2/?p=525
http://www.etsy.com/shop/tikakids

What is contentment?

con*tent*ment [kuhn-tent-muhnt] –noun

the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.

Bible Dictionary:
a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be (1 Tim. 6:6; 2 Cor. 9:8). It is opposed to envy (James 3:16), avarice (Heb. 13:5), ambition (Prov. 13:10), anxiety (Matt. 6:25, 34), and repining (fret) (1 Cor. 10:10). It arises from the inward disposition, and is the offspring of humility, and of an intelligent consideration of the rectitude (moral virtue) and benignity (kindness) of divine providence (Ps. 96:1, 2; 145), the greatness of the divine promises (2 Pet. 1:4), and our own unworthiness (Gen. 32:10); as well as from the view the gospel opens up to us of rest and peace hereafter (Rom. 5:2).

Wishing....and hoping....

It seems like everyone I know is having babies.  Again, I'm sure this is something that prospective moms feel like all the time.  But it's true!  On New Year's Eve, one of our friends announced that she was pregnant with her second baby.  She's a couple years younger than me, and she's on her second!  Girls I went to high school with are on their third, or fourth.  One girl even had her sixth already!  Am I way behind, or what?

And I feel like I'm seeing baby things all the time.  Everywhere I go there's commercials, movies, friends, cute baby clothes.  It's enough to make a girl go crazy.  I'm trying not to bug Nick about it.  It's hard when I feel like a bunch of the conversations with our friends end up going down the baby lane.  There's another girl that we go to church with that also has baby fever.  She and her husband are going to start trying soon (well, actually, they've started--she said first of the year), so our convos naturally head down that direction.  I'm trying not to let on that Nick and I are trying, though.  I just talk with her about how she's feeling.  I'm pretty sure she has no idea about us.

In fact, no one knows.  Well, that's not true.  I told my mom, dad, and sister that we had stopped preventing.  I also told my friends Sara, Pam, and Christy about this blog.  So, there's 6 people that know.  I want it to be a surprise.  On New Year's Eve, it was really fun for me.  We played this game called "The Game of Things".  (I won't take time to explain it here, but if you haven't played it with a group of friends, you should.  I'll let you borrow it, if you'd like!)  Anyways, a lot of the responses were about "making babies", or things of that nature.  And the people in our group were kidding around about how that response wouldn't belong to Nick!  They were also reminiscing about a time when one of them asked Nick to hold their baby for a second, and how Nick had held the kid so far away from himself.  :)  I laughed and teased right along with them, but inside, I'm thinking, "He wants to have a baby with me now!!"  I want to keep it a secret, because I CANNOT WAIT to see the faces of people when Nick and I announce that we're pregnant someday!

As excited as I am to have babies, I don't feel really anxious about it.  I'm enjoying my life.  I'm super busy.  I'm working on my school work (finally feeling like I'm on top of it).  I'm continuing to build my photography business.  I'm (mostly) keeping my home in order.  A baby would be nice, but I'm not stressed about it.  I'm just wishing and hoping...

You've been COUNTING?

As I said, Nick is the main reason why we didn't have kids right away.  I was also happy to not have kids.  About 2 years into our marriage, however, I was ready to have kids.  But I wanted it to be a mutual decision.  I've always had this fear that Nick would regret being "saddled with kids".  Like he's the main character in "Knocked Up" or "The Hangover".  Like he would be looking for every chance he could get to get out of it, or resent me for taking him away from his "man time" or something.  I never wanted to be that kind of girl.  I was willing to put my own wants and desires aside in order to make him happy--isn't that what marriage is about?

So, I never wanted to push.  And Nick never changed his mind.

Going into the month of November, I was just about to run out of my supply of pills, and I was going to need to order some more.  Right around that time, I told Nick that I was thinking about maybe not ordering any more, fully expecting his eyes to bug out.  Instead, it ended up being like this scene from "Friends", because Nick said, "That'd be okay."

WHAT?!?!?  (watch from the 4:30 to 5:50 mark)



I could not believe it!  He said "Yeah, I've been doing some counting.  It might be okay to wait a couple of more months, so that you're not getting pregnant when school is just starting, but I think it would be okay to stop preventing it."

My mouth literally dropped open, and I had trouble talking.  Then I stared into his eyes, and just kept asking him, "Are you serious?  You've been counting?  Are you serious?  You want to make a baby with me?  Are you serious?"  I just couldn't believe he was saying what he was saying!

He said that he had been thinking that we could stop protecting ourselves, and then one day I could have a creative way to tell him that I was pregnant.  He said, "That would be fun."  WHAT??  Worlds colliding, planets shifting...

After the initial shock (which didn't wear off for a couple of days), I was so excited.  So, we started our clean slate in November.  Of course, the time in November when I was ovulating he wouldn't touch me (HE HAD CHECKED ONLINE FOR WHEN THAT WOULD BE!).  :)  I cannot express how crazy it was (and still is) to me that he had checked on all of this stuff without even telling me.

Of course, then he became as sexy as hell to me.  :)  Not like he wasn't before, but this was now my super-sexy man who wanted to make a baby with me!  Hummina, hummina.  haha

The only one going as planned...what kind of plan should I have...really?

Warning: This post is full of questions, and lacking in answers.

I've always been twinged with discomfort when I hear couples' "plans" for having kids.  Especially if I know those people to be Christians.  (Disclaimer: I am a Christian, and Nick and I have a plan for kids.  So I know--I'm preaching to the choir here.)  After all: as Christians, doesn't God determine our steps?  Aren't we supposed to be leaving the future completely up to Him?  In the age of birth control, it seems like we have completely taken the planning out of God's hands and put it firmly into ours.  Isn't this so human?  We want control of everything!

This is one of those things where I have serious questions about the philosophical implications of birth control; but at the same time, the possibility of having a baby in our first year of marriage (or on our honeymoon) made me break out into a cold sweat and wake up with nightmares!  (I used to make fun of my friend Sara because she always said her greatest fear was "getting pregnant on her honeymoon"--until I grew up and realized that it was my fear as well!)  I mean, should I have given complete control of our "Baby Makin Journey" to God, and gone au natural when it comes to the baby-making itself?  Should Christians be using birth control of any method?  Or should we rely on God's Will to be our birth control?

Then there's that image of me as one half of Jon and Kate or the Duggars, and I shudder and pop the pill into my mouth.

I don't want to get into some big, philosophical argument about this.  But I really questioned a lot internally about the birth control aspect of our marriage.

I also wonder about it's effects on my body now.  I'm 30.  Not elderly, but also not a spring chicken.  Has being on the Pill for 5 years ruined some of the best eggs my body will produce?  If we have difficulty getting pregnant, what will that mean for me?  How will that affect me emotionally?

I have several friends who have been on both sides of the birth control spectrum, with varied results:  Some people who never took birth control and had immense difficulty getting pregnant; Some who were on birth control, but got pregnant anyway.  In both of these instances, I feel like God was getting the ultimate say in His plan.  He had a timetable for their lives, and regardless of their plans, He has worked out their family exactly as He saw fit.  But for me, who as of right now is firmly planted in the "doing it the way we planned it" category, will I feel like when we do get pregnant that it is blessed with God's perfect timing?  Or will I feel like I've finally allowed Him to work in my life according to my own timetable?

As a child of God, I want Him to be glorified in my life.  I worry that maybe I took too much of His Will out of my "plans".  What kind of plan should I have been making for myself?  Should I even have had a plan?