Why I Love My Life

I kind of feel like my last few posts have been really negative in nature. I did have a rough week last week, so often my posts will skew to how I am feeling.

But I don't want to give anyone the impression that I don't love my daughter.  I love her greatly. Instead, I hope my blog reflects that being a mom is hard, and I often feel like I'm doing terribly at it.

So, I thought I would do a more positively-themed blog post, can call it, "Why I love my life". I know I need to spend more time focusing on the positive things in my life. I'm not sure exactly when I became a pessimist!  As a friend of mine once said, "No matter how bad your life is, there's always someone out there who wishes they were in your shoes."

* I get to spend every day pouring into my daughter. Do you know how many people wish they had that opportunity, and aren't able to do it for one reason or another?  I am blessed to have a husband that works incredibly hard so that I can stay home with Avonlea.

* I am so glad that I am able to be active. With the exception of some torn muscles in college, I have never had any injury that has kept me from being physically fit. Granted, certain times in my life I have been more fit than others. But I can say without hesitation that I can go out and run a 5K at any point, whether I have trained or not. A lot of people aren't able to do that. I'm training for my 7th Half Marathon.

* I am part of a mom group with women from our church (and a couple of moms from other churches). We call ourselves the Baby Mamas. It's so nice to be able to meet with moms of kids similarly aged to Avonlea, and share joys and struggles, and pray together. I love that our kids will grow up in the company of other kids, and they will see that their moms praying together.

* This might sound snobbish, but I don't mean it to. I am so thankful that I am smart. My parents (mom especially) put a high value on reading, and getting an education. Sometimes, I wish I had used my time  in school a little wiser, but isn't hindsight 20/20?  I love that I rock at Wheel of Fortune, and can hold my own in Jeopardy! I think it's fun to be knowledgeable. I enjoy the History Channel and the Discovery Channel (and not just because Mike Rowe is cute--but that doesn't hurt anything).

* I live in an incredibly amazing place. Yes, it's crowded and big and weird. But, it also has great beaches and hiking and activities and the weather is perfect and people invest in community and there's movies filmed here, too. And it's weird!

* We are part of an amazing church. We have felt like it was our church from the minute we walked in the doors. We have made incredible friends there, and I am challenged frequently by our amazing head pastor. I'm so thankful.

* We have amazing neighbors/landlords who like us and take care of us and our house. They also love taking care of Avonlea, which is an incredible blessing. And, in an emergency, they are a nurse and a retired firefighter. We feel incredibly safe here.

* It is amazing to see Avonlea growing and changing and learning new things all the time. I feel like she looks a little bit different every day, or learns something new every day. Today, she learned how to blow raspberries. Hilarious!

* Avonlea does a great job in the Baby Bjorn, facing out. Unless it's nap time, I can take her out and walk around the mall for a couple hours without any problems.

* Breastfeeding is going so great. I have no problems feeding her at home, or on the road. This was NOT possible a month ago, which is still fresh in my mind. She continues to be the messiest eater on the planet, though. :)  I'm so glad I'm able to give her mama milk.

* I love how I know exactly how to make her laugh. Squeeze her thighs, blow raspberries on her tummy, say "hi" like a karate move, smile and say "hi mama!"--whatever it is, her face lights up like a Christmas tree. It makes me so happy.

The Worst Thing To Tell A New Mom

You know what my #1, all-time, most hated phrase is?

"Just wait."

Not "Just wait--I understand, I've been there, and I know it will get better".  When used in that way, "just wait" is a comforting and kind phrase. It brings peace and hope.

The "just wait" phrase I am referring to is used most often. It's the one that says, "You think you have it bad now? Just wait. It is going to get much worse."

"Just wait until they start walking."
"Just wait until she starts to talk."
"Just wait until they're teenagers."

I started hearing this phrase a lot when I would mention something about my dogs--waaay before we had Avonlea. The dogs would do something ridiculous, like start whining at 5am to go outside, and I would mention it to someone, and they would say, "Just wait until you have kids."

Or, it could've been a situation where I was late getting to something on time, and I had way too many things to do, and not enough time in the day, and I would mention it, and someone would say, "Just wait until you have kids."

When I was pregnant and having trouble sleeping towards the end of my pregnancy, I started to hear it a lot: "Just wait until you have the baby--you won't get any sleep at all!"

A note to everyone out there who has used this phrase: It is completely unhelpful.  I mean, when has that type of statement EVER helped someone?

Your baby is crying through the night and you haven't had sleep for days? Just wait until (insert later phrase here).
I compare it to these phrases:
Your 6-year old just broke his arm? Just wait for the summer when he can't swim.
You just lost your job and don't have money to pay your bills? Just wait until tax day.
You found out your friend has cancer and has to have surgery? Just wait until chemo and your hair starts falling out.

Essentially, you are telling the person to brace themselves, it's going to get a lot worse.  You're telling them that no matter how bad/difficult you think the situation is right now, it's not going to get any better, because there's something down the road that is just as hard, or harder.

And you know what? As true as it might be, that's not what a new mom wants to hear.

As a new mom, I am in the here-and-now, and the here-and-now is HARD. Sometimes it feels like there's no way out of the struggle. And you, well-meaning person, though you are out of that place, and you bring perspective with you, by saying "just wait", you are telling me that my struggles are unjustified. That my struggles aren't worth mentioning because I haven't experienced the really hard stuff yet.

There is nothing more discouraging than having someone dismiss your feelings. It invalidates you.

When a new mom calls you (or posts on Facebook, or mentions it to you at church--wherever, really), and tells you what a hard time she's having because her baby won't eat and won't sleep and cries all the time and she's worn down to the bone, swallow the "just wait" that threatens to escape your lips.  Instead, tell her that you understand how she's feeling. Tell her that you have been there before, and that it does get better. Tell her that you are coming over with dinner, or that you're coming over to do laundry (don't just say you would like to--tell her when you're coming over so that she can't refuse). Tell her she's a great mom. She's the perfect mom for her baby. Give her HOPE.

The situation that you want to compare hers to can wait. Spread peace and hope instead.

(If you want to know another phrase you should eliminate from your vocabulary, check out "Don't Carpe Diem". OR, this version written by a Dad.)

InstaFriday

Snuggles with my girl. She's starting to see herself in the mirror.

French-braiding my own hair is one of my favorite talents. It has especially come in handy since my hair has started falling out in huge clumps:

A couple of our family photos made it onto Instagram this week:

Her eyes light up when I get out the orangutan that my Dad bought her at the Zoo:

Trying to do tummy time is a nightmare. I've resorted to tummy time this way. I usually don't watch TV while she is awake--this day was an exception. Introducing her to "Friends":

Selfies!

She sleeps just like me. All wrapped up, but one leg out!

Put in my pre-order for a pair of pink Mythical Shoes!  Thanks to Rhett and Link.

Nick's grandma sent Avonlea these engraved utensils. Beautiful!!

Wednesday she was only happy if I was holding her, or if she was laying down face up on the floor.

Snuggles!  (she looks like she's doing Thriller)

She has a halo around her head from where she has lost her hair. When she lays down, she moves her head back and forth in her sleep.

Terrible spelling mistakes in one of her baby books:

Working on that "tummy time". This day, she was watching the dogs:

Sleeping in the swing, because she won't sleep in her bed.

"I've Got This?"

In my classroom, we did journaling almost every day. The beginning of the year was setting up the structure and the expectations, and was always a struggle to get them to write to the level I was expecting. But somewhere around the halfway point of the year, I didn't have to do reminders anymore. They knew the expectations, they knew the rules, and they started to take off and do some amazing writing during that time.  I would always get to the point of the year where I would think, "This one area of teaching? This one? I've got this."

Sometimes I wonder, in parenting, will I ever get to the point where I think, "I've got this"?

I find myself constantly second-guessing myself when it comes to parenting Avonlea.  The questions about how to do (fill-in-blank-here) flit through my brain rapid-fire style.  Here are just a few from the long day we shared together yesterday:

- Why is she only sleeping 2 to 3 hours at a time overnight?
- She just got up from her nap. Can I go to the store without her throwing a fit?
- It hasn't been 2 hours since she ate, but she always eats when she gets up from a nap. Should I feed her now?
- Why is she throwing a fit in the store?
- Is she sitting in the carrier wrong?
- How is she sleepy again? She only got up an hour ago. Is she sick? *Google "babies sleep a lot when sick?"*
- Should I put her down for a nap again?
- Why does she get so hot when I'm feeding her? *consult Google*
- I'm not sure if I should give her a nap..should I try anyway?
- How long will she sleep?
- Do I have time to take a shower?
- Will my shower wake her up?
- Will she sit in this seat while I make lunch?
- Are these toys overstimulating her? *Google "signs of overstimulation in babies"*
- Why is she so fussy today?
- Is she tired again? She only got up an hour and a half ago--how can she be tired again?
- If I try to go on a walk, will she fuss because she's sleepy?
- Why does she keep pulling at her ear?
- How can I get her to do more tummy time if she cries after 5 seconds?
- How long should tummy time be, and how long should I let her fuss and scream in tummy time? *Google "tummy time 3 months"
- Will she ever roll over again?
- Will she ever want to roll to her front, because she hates it so much?
- Can a 3 month old get too much sleep? *Google "babies too much sleep*
- Is she getting enough to eat?
- Why doesn't she open her mouth more when feeding? Is that causing her to not get enough?
- What colors of poo are normal?  *Google "normal baby poop"*
- Why did I just Google that?!?

My whole 3 months and 2 weeks of parenting has been nothing but one question after another. And I sit sometimes, and wonder if I'll ever be confident that what I am doing is the right thing. That what I am doing is the best thing.  That I'll be able to look at Avonlea the way I looked at my classroom of students and breathe a sigh of relief that I'm finally getting the hang of things.

Scars

I have a scar on my right hand, right at the base of my thumb. I remember exactly what happened. I was in high school, and we were bringing our dog Chloe back home from the kennel after a vacation. We had the leash on her, because she had the tendency to bolt out of our yard if we weren't paying attention.  I put the leash around my wrist and opened the door when we got home, and she bolted out of the car and yanked me with her! My hand wrapped around the side of the car door, and cut a 1" cut along my hand.

I see the cut now, and I smile. I don't remember the pain, but I remember Chloe, and the joy she brought into our lives for so many years.  The pain of the moment and the frustration with my dog has faded into nothing over the years, and all I'm left with are happy memories.

I have a new scar. This one is much fresher, and much more vivid. It's a 7 inch long scar across my abdomen.  When I see this scar, I am also reminded of an event.  But the scar that remains also carries with it some intense feelings.

I just finished meeting with my mom group. We all have babies between 6 months pregnant and 14 months old.  One mom today was talking about how she feels insecure in her parenting, and worrying that her baby doesn't realize that she loves him--like their bonding together had been stunted somehow. She said she felt like it stemmed from having a C-section, and then not being with him every moment during the first week he was born (her son also had to go to the NICU for 6 days).  The guilt from that experience was still haunting her--and her son is now 8 months old!

I find myself often thinking about whether or not certain things that are happening with Avonlea wouldn't be happening if I had been able to have a "normal" birth.  Thinking about how for the first week of her life, she didn't see me as the only caregiver. She had 18 different nurses and doctors taking care of her, and I wasn't able to be there 24 hours a day, like I would have if she had been born naturally.  Would she be having a hard time with the things she is having a hard time with if she had been with me constantly from her first minute outside the womb?

I thought about it a lot when we were having trouble breastfeeding for so long.  Like, her being in the NICU (and bottle-fed and on formula) completely handicapped our ability to bond with each other the way that "we are supposed to".  I read this article that I identified with really well: http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-love-blossoms-between-you-and-your-child_1417762.bc?page=3

I also think about how there are many experiences in life that I will be able to have (and have already had).  I have traveled the world. I have gone skydiving. I have performed in front of thousands of people. I have driven across the country.  But I will never be able to say that I birthed a baby--at least, not in the "traditional" way.  I had planned on it that way--I didn't want anything to help me during childbirth. I wanted to do it as naturally as possible. But that's not the way it turned out, and that has caused so much stress and anxiety as I have tried to process through the disappointment.

I am learning that all of these feelings are normal.  But, they also are not from God.  Part of my struggle is to throw off these feelings that Satan puts into my path and into my heart, and realize that my birth story is exactly how God had planned for me.  God knew that Avonlea would come into this world via a C-Section.  He knew that she would be in the NICU, and that I would struggle with the maternal insecurities that stem from that experience.

It's actually part of the reason why I love my scar so much.  I love what it represents.  It is a visual reminder to me that I am not in control of my life. I do not know what is best for myself, and as much as I like to think that my plans will be the best things for my life, they really aren't.  My struggle is to focus on Christ and who He is, and how much He loves me, and loves Avonlea.  I like to think that Jesus looks at his scars from the crucifixion the same way that I look at my C-Section scar.  The experience was painful and heartbreaking. But it brought the greatest joy into my life, and serves as a reminder that I would do the same thing again because it brought my sweet girl to me.  It is beautiful.

During our childbirth class, our instructor said that she had some clients (she was a midwife) that were still struggling to process and accept their birth stories 2 and 3 years after their kids' births.  And when I was in the class, I internally scoffed at that idea.  I was looking at it with the mindset of my own plan, and thinking, "well, that will never happen to me, because I am going to do things *this* way."

But now, looking at this side of the birth experience, I completely understand how that could happen to those ladies. I can see how, without friends and without Christ to lean on and cry out to, you could struggle with the disappointment and the guilt for years after a C-Section.  My prayer is that I will continue to talk to Him about my struggles and fears and doubts, because He doesn't want me to live in that space.

He wants me to continue to see my experience as beautiful and perfect--the way He had planned out for me.

I'm hoping that one day, the feelings that I have when I see the scar on my belly are the same as the feelings I have when I see the scar on my hand.

"Family of Three" Photographs

While we were in Ohio, we had our family photos done by the fabulous Cameron and Mindy of BRAUNphotography. We've known them since they started their photography business, and have joyously watched it blossom into one of the most respected photography teams in the Dayton/Cincy/Columbus area (and beyond). I was so happy when they said they would take our family photos while we were home. This is a busy duo, and it's the summer! A photographer's busiest season!

Thanks, Cameron and Mindy, for a great evening. Sorry my girl was a fuss budget--it was her bedtime, after all--but I love the pics that you were able to capture.

Here's a slideshow of our session. If you ever need photos done, give BRAUNphotography a call!!

Go Here to see Cameron and Mindy's other fabulous work.

You can also find them on Facebook.

My High-Maintenance Girl

(This post is very whiny. I'm sorry. But this is where I document, and whiny is what I am today.)

I love my daughter. I really do.  But MAN she is turning out to be high-maintenance!

She can't sleep without being swaddled, but she wakes up every couple of hours, frustrated with being in a swaddle.
She can't be swaddled in a blanket, because she fights her way out of it.
She can't be swaddled in the (expensive) Woombie I bought, because she can move her arms too much.
She doesn't fit in any of the SwaddleMe blankets we have, and the one she does fit in doesn't velcro shut very well, so she pops out of it all the time--and then wakes up.
She is frustrated by the (expensive) Miracle Blanket I just bought.
Oh--and she won't fall asleep on me, which would be a sweet alternative.

She doesn't like to be put down.
She has to be facing out (like in the pic above), or up high on my chest, looking over my shoulder.
She does not like the Moby wrap.
She does not like the Ergo carrier.
She does not like the Baby Bjorn (when she is facing me).
She will only ride in a carrier if she is facing out.

She hates the car seat now. She will scream and cry if it is still. If we are holding it and moving it around, she does not cry, but as soon as we snap it into the car, the yelling starts.
The days of her 4 hour epic naps in the car seat are over. I used to be able to go somewhere and get her to fall asleep in her car seat and then bring her home and put her in her bed. Those days are no more.

She will not take a bottle. She will not take a paci.
I have tried 4 different bottles and 3 different pacis.
I try every day to get her to take a paci. Nothing.
The only way she eats anything if I am not home to breastfeed is if milk is dripped out of the bottle into her mouth. The last time I went out on a date, my sitter was able to get her an ounce that way.

She has around 30 seconds of quiet tummy time. After that, it is fussing and crying, and then screaming. I try to break it up by doing some rolling practice. The physical therapist said she needs as much tummy time as possible, because her head is flat. Lovely.

Oh--and this week, she has decided that 3 20-minute naps are completely sufficient. But while she's awake, she rubs her eyes and fusses the whole time.  One day this week, I literally tried to get her to take a nap for an hour. It was completely stupid. And then at night, she is only sleeping 3-4 hours at a time.

As a teacher, I was kind of a harda$$. I stood my ground and didn't let my kids get away with ridiculous behavior.

And yet, here I am, with a daughter who has ridiculous behavior. Some days, like today, I am just exhausted. After all, I end up handling or carrying her for most of the day, because I feel bad leaving her laying somewhere because of her flat head. Thankfully, she is now to the point where she can sit up in the Boppy or the high chair, so that gives me some free hands time.

I do not like this phase.