Finally getting my head above water enough to write something.
My doctor was not concerned with my fever...at least, not yet. He believes it is related to my overproduction of milk. As for my other symptoms, I believe they are from lack of nutrition. I'm taking my vitamins every day, and I can tell when I don't take them. I'm 9lbs away from my pre-baby weight. Nick is keeping an eye on me.
Life has been....going. That's really all I can ask for, right? I am managing to get a shower every other day. Avonlea is sleeping 3-4 hour stretches at night. Today marks one solid week of breastfeeding (tomorrow will be one week of exclusively breastfeeding), and it is finally getting better. My supply is evening out, and I am able to go 4 hours without feeling like exploding. I'm using a nipple shield exclusively--hopefully I'll be able to wean off of using it soon.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be a mom.
Sometimes I look at this little person and wonder if she's really mine. I mean, she doesn't look like me at all. She's the spitting image of Nick.
I wonder about those women that see their babies for the first time and have this instant connection to them, and have this overwhelming feeling of love. I didn't have that. I mean, I think I could have--the first night, sitting up with her and loving on her and getting to know her--I could see where that feeling comes from. But after spending a week away from her, and having the feeling that she's not my child anymore, it created this disconnect. I'm hoping that the feeling will come with time. Just right now, loving Avonlea is a choice, not a feeling.
I hope that doesn't make me sound like an unfeeling mom. I really do love my daughter (and the fact that she's not hurting me every 3 hours when she eats is a big bonus). I just don't have these googly feelings whenever I think about her.
Mostly, I'm just tired. And she's not easy. She's pretty fussy a lot of the time. It's hard to love a baby that cries in your face so much. I'm working on figuring out the best way to soothe her, but it's a process. Maybe the lovey-dovey feelings would come easier if she were an easier baby.
I do have moments, though. Yesterday I was able to do some baby massage for about 15 minutes without her crying. She was looking up at me with these big eyes, like she was figuring out who I am.
And maybe that's part of it--she's trying to figure me out, just as I'm trying to figure her out.
You are doing great. You have had a really rough start, and lots of issues to deal with. It is already tough emotionally after a birth, and adding on the week in the NICU and everything else . . . I just want to affirm that you are doing really well. Hang in there. It does get better. Your emotions will begin to even out (just keep tabs on it, that they don't even out negatively, because that can happen and there is help for that too) and she will start to sleep longer at night. Which means you will be better rested too.
ReplyDeleteI've heard it said that the days are long and the years are short. Hang in there: take it a day - a minute - at a time and know that God is with you in it all.