Body Image Suckitude

I live in a land where Jennifer Lawrence says, In Hollywood, I’m obese. I’m considered a fat actress, I’m Val Kilmer in that one picture on the beach."

In case you don't know, this is Jennifer Lawrence:

Yeah, she's a fatty.

I have been saying it for a while: I'm a big girl living in a small girl world. This usually doesn't bother me. But for some reason, it has really been affecting me recently. I guess it's because I just keep getting bigger and bigger. And yesterday at my doctor's appointment, I tipped the scale to the dreaded 200lb number.

I know I'm not unhealthy. I'm having a baby, after all!  I don't eat boxes of chocolate or ho-hos at a time. I am an athletic person, and have been walking throughout my pregnancy (in fact, I'm doing a half-marathon in 2 weeks). I'm sure I can be doing better--eating more veggies and things--but isn't that always true?  I have gained 20lbs this pregnancy, which is well within the acceptable range so far. I know I have it a lot better than other people who really struggle with their weight--which makes me feel guilty for even stressing about this.  I know these things in my heart. But it's still hard for me to accept what is happening to my body. It's also made harder by the people at work who talk about how "huge" I am to my face. It's hard when images of "baby after body" scream at me from every grocery store checkout aisle (when I'm at Kroger at midnight buying mac and cheese), making me feel guilty about my choices.

It's vanity. It really is. It's just ridiculous vanity. But it's still something I am struggling with right now, as I look in the mirror and never see myself getting smaller.

A long time ago, I came to terms with the fact that I won't be 135lbs ever again. But its still hard to be on this side of the weight scale.

It's one of the things I was really nervous about when I got pregnant. Well, "nervous" isn't really the right word. I guess, if I'm being honest, the right word is disappointed. I've said before that I went through a myriad of emotions when I saw that positive pregnancy test--and one of those feelings was disappointment. Disappointment at knowing that my body would never look that good again.

Vanity, you are an ugly bitch.

Revealing the Gender

Telling Nick:

Telling Gaydene (I wish we had this on video--it was hysterical!!):

Telling Grandma Hume:

Letter to Baby

Dear Baby,

Time just seems to be flying by. We're already in week 22. Your daddy and I registered for things this week. It was fun to go through and dream about what your room would look like, and the things you might need. You need a lot of stuff!!  I am blessed to have lots of friends who have had babies, so I asked people on Facebook for recommendations--I got 82 different responses from people with suggestions!  I took their suggestions, as well as a list of "must haves", and made a good registry, I think.  I did an Amazon registry on my own, and daddy looked over it when he got home from work. Then, we went to Babies-R-Us on Saturday and registered for some other things, just in case.

Let me tell you, even though you need a lot of stuff, we didn't register for half of the stupid things that they sell!  Your daddy and I think so similarly sometimes. For instance, we came across these seat back cover things:

I was looking at them and thinking, "why wouldn't you just let your kid know that they don't put their feet on the seats?" and at the same time, your daddy said, "Those things just tell kids it's okay to put their feet on the seats."  It's times like this that I know your daddy and I will work together well as parents, because we will have the same expectations for you, and we'll be able to be consistent with those expectations when you get a little older.

One thing we disagreed on was a diaper bag. I would like to have something with a lot of different compartments, but something that is still on the small side. I don't want to be one of those moms that ends up carrying a huge purse and a huge diaper bag filled to the brim with stuff all the time.  Your daddy wants to get a backpack to carry things in. I couldn't find anything to make us both happy. Daddy doesn't want to buy one until after you arrive, because we won't know what we need to take with us. But I would like to have one ahead of time, so that we can be prepared from day one. I guess he and I will need to have some further discussions about this.

Sometimes, doing a registry for your first baby is hard--because no matter how much practice you've had, or how many friends you know that have babies, some of the knowledge about what you need is still a mystery. When daddy and I got married, it was a little easier to register for things, because we knew what we were going to need on a daily basis for our house, because we lived on our own before. But bringing you into the world is a completely new experience. I have a little bit of knowledge because of my nannying experience, but daddy is completely clueless about what we're going to need for you.  We are learning this together!

We have told a couple of people about if you are a boy or a girl, but we are mostly keeping it a secret. I want to be able to tell your Grandma and Great-Grandma and the rest of our family in person, and I don't want to risk them finding out any other way!  It is really fun hearing what people guess, now that I know what you are. Most of the people at work think you are a boy, except for one manager, who is very insistent that you are a girl. Everyone else is split about half and half. I always think it is funny when people are SO SURE about it one way or another.

Daddy and I have been talking about names. There are some that he has vetoed outright. We keep coming back to one name over and over, though. Want to know a secret? That name is my favorite, and I find myself calling you by that name when we're alone.  I am hoping that it sticks!

I'm still feeling pretty good. I have been back at Old Navy for the last several weeks, and it has been good to get out of the house for a while and be busy. People at work are really nice to me, and very conscientious about making sure I am doing okay. My back only hurts occasionally now, and ice always helps. You kick a lot on the way to work, and on the way home from work. Maybe you like the car?

You kick a lot in the evenings, too, while daddy and I are watching The Walking Dead. Are you afraid of the zombies? Don't worry--I'm afraid of them, too. I will protect you, though! I try to get daddy to feel you kicking, but he says he can't feel it yet. Keep kicking, baby!

I love you with all my heart,
Mommy

Halfway Done!

Halfway done!

The baby has been kicking like crazy lately!!  I never felt "the flutter" that people feel. But one night, I laid down at the end of the night, and literally felt the feet kicking me in the front!  What is really fun is that I have been able to feel it on the outside, so Nick has been able to feel it, too. Though, he still maintains that he doesn't know what he's feeling--he thinks it's like, gas or something. :)  No, buddy, that's your kid! I feel it mostly in the morning and in the evening--usually in the car on the way to work. :)

I have (mostly) gotten over finding out what we are having over the phone.  I have just been enjoying knowing what we are having, and planning and dreaming together with Nick.  I had a fun way of telling Nick, which I did get on video, but I am not going to share it until after we tell our families when we go home in December. I love hearing people's theories, though--especially now that we know what we are having!  We have talked about names. I had 4 that I really liked, and Nick vetoed 3 of them. He didn't object to the last one (which was my favorite), so we'll see if it sticks over the next 4 months!

My OB sent me to a perinatologist to get my 20-week ultrasound. They didn't really give me a reason for it--I'm just thinking it is because the peri can do a much more detailed ultrasound, and they wanted to be sure that the test results I got were accurate.  We waited FOR-EV-ER at the peri's office. Our appointment was at 10:15, and we saw the doctor at 11:30. Nick was furious...he was actually wanting to leave. Thankfully, we don't need to go back again, because everything was normal! We got to count the fingers and toes, we could see the irises and the baby's profile in 3D, and the spine was crystal-clear. The peri was funny--he said he would give us a 3D photo, but don't get too excited, because the baby "looks like Skeletor" right now.

I actually thought it looked more like the aliens from "Independence Day". :)

Baby, I love you, but you're looking like an alien.

Life gets in the way sometimes...

Too busy to post lately. Lots of things to say, though. Until I get a chance to write, here are the 2 most recent belly pics, plus a couple that Nick took while we were in San Diego this past weekend.

Oops...nevermind. Apparently I have used up all of my free storage.  Guess I'll have to get Nick to figure that out for me.

Doctor Woes

Okay, it's official.

I hate my doctor's office.

I am switching immediately.

Reason #1: The first appointment I had in the office, they FORGOT ABOUT ME, and I was sitting in that stupid hospital gown for 45 minutes before someone came in and was surprised to see me in the room still.

Reason #2: They called me last week when they were closing 15 minutes later, to tell me that they had to talk with me about my lab results.

Reason #3: I had to call 6 times on Thursday to get the second test's results. They kept saying they needed to call the lab, and they would call me back. I called them 6 times to keep reminding them. Finally, they called me back at 6:15, and said they had called, but that the lab had closed. Grr!!

Reason #4: Today. I called to get the lab results, which came back negative. Yay! I was relishing in the results of that, when she proceeded to tell me that they also test for gender, and in the same breath, told me the gender.

Umm...I didn't want to know!

Dude. Not cool. ASK.

I actually called back and told the nurse off.

I'm really pissed off. Not because of the results of the test. Yay! Not because of what I'm having. Again, yay! But because I had made it up in my mind that I wasn't going to find out, and I was excited about having this mystery and surprise, and now it is ruined because I am just pissed at my doctor's office.

I don't get the joy of anticipation in the delivery room, focusing on knowing what we are going to have when the pain is over.

I mean, I don't even get the joy of (if we had decided to find out), seeing the images on the ultrasound, and sharing that moment with Nick. Instead, I am sitting here, in my pjs on the couch, seething and crying because the moment is ruined because some dumb nurse didn't have the courtesy to ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION.

I know I need to have perspective. But right now, I'm just mad.

18 Weeks