In Which I Make Myself Ill

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Like, at all. I went to bed around 11:30. Was up at 1:30, 3, 3:30...

I had a terrible headache and neck ache, and my mind was RACING. I was hot, but if I took my covers off, I was cold.  I also could not stop clearing my throat. It felt itchy and scratchy--just how it feels when I am about to get strep throat. I could not get comfortable. I was also hungry.

I finally just got out of bed at 3:30. I went and had a fruit strip and a big glass of water, and took a couple of Tylenol to help my head/neck ache. Really, I was just miserable.

I went and laid back down in my bed, but my neck was hurting so much that I just decided to take my chances out on the couch. I propped up 3 big pillows and put a blanket under my belly. It definitely helped my head to be sitting upright, but it didn't keep my mind from racing.

My mind was racing for two reasons:

1. Last night, we went to our 3rd childbirth class. This class was all about managing contractions and pushing.
2. I also went for a checkup yesterday, and the doctor said he was putting an exclamation mark next to my baby's size, because "she's really big--in fact, if you were to deliver today, she'd probably be at least 7 pounds. And when you consider that you still have 5 weeks left, and your baby grows a half pound a week..."  His voice implicated the ellipses, too. Kind of like he was saying, "Do the math, sweetheart. You're having a 9-pounder."

I want to have a natural, unmedicated birth. Honestly, while it makes me a bit nervous, it doesn't scare me. Perhaps that's the first-time-mom ignorance speaking, but I'm really not scared of it. I have always taken on physical (and mental) challenges to push my body to the limit. It's why I do half marathons and why I did a full marathon only 2 months after mom's death. I've also experienced extreme pain before (Have you ever experienced a blocked colon...two different times? I don't recommend it.). I don't doubt that I can concentrate my energy and push my body to do what it is meant to do. I actually welcome the challenge.

But after this class (and the doctor's notes), my biggest fear has emerged--and conspired to make me feel ill. What if I go through 18 hours of labor (what my mom had with me) and then I STILL have to have a C-Section? Campbells (my mom's side) have big babies. I was 8lbs6 and a C-Section baby. I REALLY want to do this the natural way, but I'm worried that my own genetic makeup (and my baby's size) are going to conspire against me. Or that I'm going to get talked into having a C-Section when my body might be able to handle it (I'm heading into conspiracy theory territory with that).

Now that I'm awake, and not in the middle of a sleep-deprived, headache-filled haze, I realize that it was a little ridiculous for this to keep me up all night. But it's where my head is right now.

Maternity Photos

We had our maternity photos taken a couple of weeks ago. My friend Karis took the photos, and I did the edits. I'm really pleased with how they turned out! I had a good hair day, which is always good. :) The only thing I forgot was to do my nails. Oh, well.

What Are You Worried About?

Over the last few weeks, I have gotten progressively more worried about things. I am not necessarily worried about bringing the baby home. I really do feel like I have enough of a perspective on babies that I am able to take care of the basic needs of the kid.

Up until now, the only worry I had was sleep-related. I do not function well AT ALL on little sleep. I mean, its bad. I get really grumpy. I fall asleep doing important things. I end up hating everyone around me. Everyone keeps telling me about how I won't get any sleep after the baby gets here, and I am really frustrated by it because this is the one aspect of infant-dom that I really don't think I am going to be able to handle.  It has kept me up at night--and NOTHING keeps me up. I can sleep through a hurricane. I'm a head-hits-the-pillow-and-I'm-out kind of girl. I really can sleep at any moment, at any time, and I'm worried about how I am going to maintain a loving, caring relationship with a little creature who won't let me get any sleep at all for the first 6 months.

But the last couple of weeks, I have added more worries.  One thing I have really been worried about is going into pre-term labor and having the baby early. Not because I am worried about the labor, but because we aren't prepared supply-wise!  After all, we don't even have the car seat--what if we have the baby, and then we can't bring her home because we don't have anything to bring her home in!  The only diapers we have are the samples I have gotten in the registry packets and from my doctor, which means I have a total of a half-day's worth of diapers. At this rate, if we have the kid early, we're stopping by Target on the way home from the hospital!

I have several other friends who are having their first babies, and they have posted pictures of the nurseries that are adorably put together.  These are pictures of our nursery right now:

Nice, huh?

The top picture shows all of the furniture that is stuffed in the room right now--not including the dresser that I have been working on down in the garage. The HUGE dresser. The center photo shows just how much walking room I have to get to the closet--the answer of which is none. In fact, to get to the closet, I have to climb over the futon. Why is all of this furniture shoved onto one side of the room? Because the amazing electrical display you see in that last picture is a result of some hidden breaker box somewhere in the house, deciding randomly in the last couple of weeks to stop working, thus causing half of the outlets in the house to stop working.  I couldn't even get over to take pics of the closet, which is a tiny area of clothes, and then stuffed full of random crap that I am dying to get into and purge--but can't get to for the aforementioned reasons.

I didn't think I was a person who needed a nursery. In fact, we made plans to not really do anything at all, since we are planning on moving, plus the kid wouldn't really sleep in it for months anyway. But now that it's coming right down to it, I'm worried that we don't have one--just because I want to be able to have a peaceful, organized space for all of her stuff. I want to be able to put stuff up with her name on it, and have things all cute and put together, and I am definitely worried that that is something that isn't going to happen. Especially now with the electrical problems.

I'm trying not to worry about things--my weekly emails and the books that I am reading tell me that it is very normal to have worries--plus, I don't tend to be a worrywart about things. But it's really hard when I feel like I'm on this freight train to our due date and so much isn't happening. I don't even know where to start.  I do think it's a good thing that I haven't been having nightmares about the baby. I don't think I would be doing very well if I was worrying all day and all night, too.

Thankfully, Nick's friend had our car seat mailed to us this week--so at least we'll be able to bring the kid home with us from the hospital. That's one worry I can get rid of (seriously--the relief flooded through me when I saw it on our doorstep). And my friends Jessie and Christy are hosting a shower for me on the 9th of March, so hopefully I'll get some more practical things from our registry.

32 Week Pic....and a video

Registries

I've had some people ask, so here are links to our registries.

Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/registry/baby/1I6T1VR30YWW6

Babies-R-Us:
Babies"R"Us - Baby Registry

Target (I recently did this one for my local LA friends):
http://www.target.com/baby/registry/tlEjCaLjgroxh_6VQjgUmQ

My Problem with Facebook

If you know me at all (and chances are if you're reading this blog, then you know me well), you'll know I am addicted to Facebook.  Yes, there are quirks about it, including the constantly changing formats and security issues, stupid app requests and annoying advertisements, etc. I really do get all of that. But considering it is a free service, there are so many great things about Facebook. One of my favorite things has been to be able to know what is going on in the lives of my family and friends, even when they are 2,000 miles away (or more). And though I'm going through this pregnancy away from most of my family and friends, as well, I really love being able to share things through Facebook that most people normally wouldn't get to know.

However, my biggest problem with Facebook is moms.

Specifically, moms who complain about their kids.

I have seen it over and over. Moms complaining about what their kids are doing or not doing, about what an annoyance it is to have kids, about how their kids are driving them to drink, etc.  I go to some people's home pages, and it is a veritable slam book, accounting all of their kids' various offenses.  Or, they are constantly posting "humorous" things about how horrible it is to have kids:

This bothers me.

I understand that a lot of it is meant to be humorous. I really do. I understand that people post these things to get the "oh, I totally understand!" responses. But for someone who is about to be a mommy, you're not really giving the mommy gig a very good reputation.  For someone who is leaving the bliss of kidless marriage for the realm of mommy-dom, you're making it seem as if I am entering some black hole of oblivion.  This includes the assumption that for the next several years I will wear nothing but yoga pants with my hair in a ponytail, forlornly remembering the years when I was able to actually put on makeup (with both hands, even!).

These posts were particularly bad at the end of the calendar year. Thankfully, it seems that in more recent days, Facebook moms have tempered their "my life sucks with kids" statuses with small blurbs at the end that say "but I wouldn't trade it for anything!"

I guess I feel that Facebook, in a way, has taken the mask off of mommydom. Instead of hearing only the stories from our own moms about how wonderful being a mom is (when they're 20 or 30+ years out of being with a newborn), we're inundated with daily statuses about how, when you get right down to it, being a mom is HARD.  And I guess, when it comes right down to it, I am scared of how hard it is going to be. Because to be honest, I have tended to shy away from hard things.

True, I lived on the other side of the world for a while. But my best friends were already there, so it's not like I was doing it by myself. Yes, I have sung the National Anthem in front of thousands of people, but I had already sung it myriads of times in smaller groups, so it wasn't as difficult. I can think of a myriad of things that I *haven't* done, just because I was scared of what might happen if I actually did them. I tend to not take that final leap.

And maybe this can be applied to why I didn't go to a doctor for such a long time--I didn't want to take the hard road to pregnancy--and perhaps, in some subliminal way, didn't want to take the hard road that is mommyhood. Because, let's face it--once you're in as a mom, there's no going back. Every day you're signed up for that life, and there's no quitting, and there's no going back on the commitment.

It is true, that the mask *needed* to be taken off of mommyhood. The June Cleaver version of the woman maintaining the household and raising model children is what it appears: a character for a fictional TV show. This type of wife and mother truly does not exist. And to read about that part of mommyhood, to read about the mask-less mommyhood, makes me encouraged: that everyone screws up, everyone will mess up their kids in one way or another--it's more important that you do your best and try to raise your children in the best way that you can.

I can live with that.  Flawed people raising flawed people, but with the best intentions, and hopefully with a little guidance (in the form of friends and family) and grace (in the form of a listening Heavenly ear).  I am hoping to do the best that I can with our baby girl. I know that there will be hard days (really--being a teacher prepared me really well for some aspects of mommyhood), but there will also be great days when you know you have the best job in the world.

I just wish that Facebook moms would do more proclaiming of the latter, and less of the former.

Pregnant, Not Disabled

I haven't really had too many things to write about lately, I guess. Though there's been a lot going on, I just haven't felt inspired to write.

I have been feeling really good. I have aches and pains every now and then, but overall, nothing too bad.

I did have a blog-inspiring moment last week.  Nick and I went on a hospital tour last Wednesday, and it was full of women that were similar in their pregnancy time frames as I was (at least, it looked that way to me--we didn't really do an intro session or anything).  I felt like so many of the women were acting disabled!  A couple of women smaller than me were needing to get wheelchairs to do the tour. Umm...what?? Now, keep in mind, this wasn't a long tour or anything. We had a 40-minute powerpoint presentation about the hospital, and then a 30-minute tour of the maternity wards. I thought it was fairly ridiculous how people were like, fawning all over their husbands for assistance.

Now, I know that some women might have been on bed rest or something, so maybe that was the reason for the wheelchairs, but I just got this funny feeling overall that these women were in much worse shape than I was.

I have felt like this numerous times during this pregnancy. At Christmas, I sat on the floor for this game, and they tried to get the game switched to a table just for me. At our Super Bowl party, I went across the room to sit on the floor, and I had 3 people offer their chairs to me. It was sweet, but I actually prefer the floor--but even
after telling people this, they still tried to haul me up into a chair, and felt really badly that they were sitting in a chair and "the pregnant lady is on the floor".

You should see the looks that people give me when I tell them "No, I'm really okay. Two weeks ago, I did a half-marathon." I have never seen so many bugged-out eyes in my life! I mean, I guess it's unusual, but is it really outrageous?

Is pregnancy-disability really that prevalent?  Other than not being able to bend down and tie my shoes as well as I used to, I am still really self-sufficient. I am beginning to feel like maybe it IS unusual, simply because of the fuss that people make over me. Do I look uncomfortable and in need of help?  I am not shoving off people's assistance because I am trying to look full of bravado or something--I genuinely don't need people's help most of the time. While I appreciate the gesture, I feel weirded out by all the fawning.

Nick says that people are just trying to be conscientious of my condition, and trying to be helpful. But I guess that's my issue--why is my pregnancy a "condition"?  I think it's my pride and self-sufficiency that keeps me from accepting help, or asking people to do things for me all the time, but I really don't feel like I *need* it yet.

I will admit, I am using Nick a little bit more than usual--if I get comfortably situated on the couch, and I realize I need my ice pack for my back, I definitely ask him to get it for me. Or, if I am sitting on the floor and someone next to me offers a hand up, I will take it.  But I'm not asking for help every minute of every day. I can get myself up off the couch, and up off the floor. I can carry a plastic folding chair from one set to another at work without any trouble. I can open and hold the door for people on set (people kept apologizing to me when they saw I was holding the door and pregnant--really? It's a door--is it that difficult?).

I really don't feel much different, other than the bowling ball attached to my stomach.

Oh--totally unrelated: I found out that I passed my glucose screening test with flying colors! Yay!

31 Week Pic