Unhinged by the UnGame

Nick and I recently returned from vacation. Actually, I should probably call it a "vacation", as it was a LOT of work, and not a lot of rest, or escape from my daily reality, as often a vacation purports to be.

But I can write about that (and about how Avonlea did with it) at another time.

In this post, I'm going to write about the sad realization I came to on vacation (and, in the days since our return, have continued to dwell upon).

In the car, whenever we have long drives, Nick and I play the "UnGame".

This isn't really a game (hence, the name UNgame). It's a box of two sets of cards. Each card has a question or a statement on it, and you take turns answering the questions or responding to the statements.  For example:

We got the game as a gift from my friend Jenn for our wedding, and it is one that we carry with us on all of our trips. It's good to pull out when someone is getting tired, or we have a long distance to travel.

Well, for the first time since we have had this game, a question really stumped me. It's a question that, prior to maybe 9 months ago, I would have had a ready answer for. Definitely one I could have answered 3 or 5 or 7 years ago.  That question was,

What are 3 things you would like to be doing in three years?

Now, perhaps I am being overly dramatic. Perhaps pregnancy hormones are getting the better of me, and making me all down and dreary. Perhaps I just had a brain fart.  But I could not, for the life of me, think of 3 things.

Even now, a few weeks later, I can't think of anything.  Why is that??

I've been dwelling on the "why" of this situation for weeks. Why am I having so much trouble thinking of what I would like to be doing? It's not like this is a life or death question. There isn't any money on the line. No one is going to be recording my answers--after all, how I would have answered this question 1 or 4 or 10 years ago is no longer relevant.

But the fact that I have trouble answering the question disturbs me.

I guess it is because every time I think of what I would LIKE to be doing in three years, a little voice (or block, or hiccup) in my brain says, "Yeah, but you're going to have a 5 year old and a 3 year old in 3 years--what are you REALLY going to be doing for yourself?"

I think over the 16 months I have spent as a mom, and consider how dramatically my life has changed--the infrequent nights away, the slow loss of personal time during the day (less time to do things for me--more time doing things to just get by), less and less ability to do hobbies that interest me. I have lost myself as I have become a mom, and I guess I don't see that changing at all now that we're having another one--in fact, I only see it becoming worse.

I guess I kept waiting for "the moment" when I would be able to become "me" again. Maybe it was when Avonlea would sleep through the night (still hasn't happened), or when she stopped breastfeeding (still hasn't happened)--I would be able to do some of the things that I loved before I had a baby. I would be able to devote more time to it, instead of squeezing it in during nap time or after she goes to bed, when I'm too tired to do what I love.  But, that "moment" hasn't arrived, and now that we're having another one, that moment seems to have moved so far down my life timeline I can't even see it anymore.

I guess I need to pause and clarify--I love my daughter. I love staying home with her. I love that I have been able to breastfeed her and take care of her daily. Please, in light of everything else I am writing, let that be very firmly said.

I just wish I didn't feel like I have lost myself along the journey. I look 3 years down the road, and I can see myself staying up until 11pm--but I am not watching a movie, or having date night, or having friends over to play games, or reading, or going for a run--all things that I used to love. Instead, I see an exhausted mom, cleaning the kitchen, scrubbing a high chair, scruffy hair and no shower, and wiping down the bathroom counters for the first time in weeks because this is the first chance I've gotten to do it. I see many years of jiggly belly and peeling nails and much-delayed haircuts and gray hairs, and it's discouraging.

I so much want to have an answer to the question--What would I LIKE to be doing in three years?--but right now, my life is getting in the way of being able to answer it.

13...er, 12 Week Update

We went to the doctor yesterday for a 13 week checkup, and we found out we were actually 12 weeks, like the Doctor previously thought.  Everything else is going swimmingly, including a cyst that showed up at the last appointment, that has now disappeared. Baby's heartbeat is strong and it is looking like an alien in the ultrasound, just like it's supposed to.

I'm feeling okay. I have days where I'm still nauseous, but they are fewer. We just recently got back from vacation and I was really feeling good the whole time. I've been sick since coming home, though.

I've popped out already--wearing full-on maternity gear already (the pants are more comfortable, anyway). My nails are doing awesomely--super long already.

Some things are definitely different, though: my skin is a mess, whereas last time it was perfect ad beautiful. My hair is slow to catch up with the awesomeness, too.

8 Week Update

(Originally written on June 27, 2014)

So, I have had a few weeks to process the news of our pregnancy. How do I feel about it now?

Well, still shocked, actually. I'm not sure if I'll ever "get over" the news. It really was so completely unexpected. It took us 3.5 years to get pregnant with Avonlea--I never imagined we wouldn't have trouble again.  I am a little happier now--still not completely so, but not angry anymore, at least.

We had our 8-week appointment and ultrasound on Monday--steady little 140 bpm. Because of this, and the measurement (around 7mm), the doctor thinks I might be a week off of my calculations--which, wouldn't be surprising, since I had NO idea when I ovulated/had my period last. But, because the kid is still SO small, they aren't entirely sure (it's really easy to be off a millimeter doing an ultrasound). We'll wait another month, do another ultrasound, and get a better measurement.

So far, I've started to have nausea again (oh, yay), which only seems to be cured by constant eating of Mexican food.  I've also had shortness of breath (which I forgot to ask the doctor about...oops).

As it is, here we are at our appointment with....our little Biscuit!

Right now, we're looking at a February 1st due date, but I'll update that if it changes at all.

Time to Wean

So, I am ready to wean Avonlea.

That was the beginning of a blog post I started a few weeks ago, but wasn't really sure how to continue.

All 4 of Avonlea's front top teeth came in during the month of June, and she was REALLY hurting me when she nursed. Combined with the fact that she was still getting up 2 or more times a night, I was done.

I just wasn't sure of the best way to do it.

I posted a question on a Facebook group about how to help with the teeth hurting problem, and got a few suggestions that I tried. But, none of them really helped longer than one feeding. I tried latching and re-latching, but that only seemed to frustrate Avonlea and make her cry.  But, her night feedings were only making ME cry...in pain!

About a week ago, she was down to 4 feedings: 2 during the day (one before her nap, and one before going to bed), and 2 overnight.  She didn't need to nurse to sleep--I had tested that theory out a few times by nursing her an hour or so before her nap, and she went down to sleep okay.  Nursing was still incredibly painful, so I started the blog post to try to ask advice. I just didn't really know where to start to get rid of the final nursing sessions we were doing.

So, I decided, at least for the overnight feedings, to try a technique I had read about: start with 60 seconds on each side, and every night, take 5 seconds away.  And wouldn't you know, she started weaning herself off of the night feedings pretty quickly.  (I think spending an entire day at Disney with only a 30-minute nap helped that, too.) The past few nights, she has only gotten up once at night. Last night, we were down to 20 seconds on each side, and she didn't really eat anything either time.

I ended up posting a quick question on Facebook two nights ago, asking what people did when they weaned their little ones.

Well, wouldn't you know, she started weaning herself right after I asked the question. In the last 2 days, she has only nursed twice. Last night, she refused to nurse before going to bed--a first in her lifetime.  Of course, she screamed and cried for a while, but she wouldn't take nursing for comfort, which was definitely something new.

I did try some whole milk yesterday, which was comedy gold. The face she made was outrageously funny. Needless to say, she wasn't a fan. I'll try it a couple more times, but honestly, if she doesn't take to cow milk, I will be fine with that. (It's one of the few health things that makes sense to me. After all, what is cow milk originally used for? Growing baby COWS. As in, humongous bovine creatures!! If she doesn't drink it, that is fine by me.)

All of the nursing things would not be possible if she hadn't FINALLY learned how to eat food. I didn't feel comfortable trying to wean her before, because she couldn't seem to figure out how to eat any solids. She was so distrusting of me, and wouldn't put anything in her mouth that I was offering, and eating from a spoon was truly hit-and-miss. It ended up being that I had to paint her lips with whatever I was offering so that she would even try to taste it--and if she liked it after that taste, she would eat a TINY bit.  But, about a month ago, right around the time all her top teeth broke through the surface, she finally seemed to "get it".  It started with thin slices of deli turkey and mashed avocado, continued with nearly an entire bowl of pasta and tomato sauce, and hasn't stopped since. She will now at least try everything I offer her, and will eat nearly everything. This has made my confidence in weaning her that much stronger, because I know she can at least get enough calories to support herself without my breastmilk.

What I think is a little funny is that I'm not really emotional about not breastfeeding Avonlea anymore. It has been such a DRAMATIC UNDERTAKING for the two of us, I'm mostly just glad it is almost over. And the fact that she's weaning herself means that I don't need to feel guilty that I'm withholding the important life juice from her (thanks, kellymom, for that one). She's ready to move on, and God knows I have been ready for her to move on for months now.

I'm worried that I'm speaking a little too soon, but I'm just going to continue to not offer breastmilk, and hopefully it will continue to go well at night.

Pregnancy Dreams

(First written on July 1, 2014)

The weird dreams have started.

Last night, I was slated as Kristen Bell's understudy in a new musical about Julie Andrews' life. However, there was some controversy, because at one point in Julie's life, she was a Nazi officer who becomes Peter Pan. There were thoughts among the showrunners that the musical would offend people, and thus not become a hit, so it was decided to only have one performance. I showed up for that performance, and they decided they wanted me to perform instead of Kristen, even though I had never done any stage rehearsals, and I didn't really know the lines or songs at all (weird understudy).  Julie was in the audience, giving her critiques, as well as Barbra Streisand. She was unhappy to see me in the starring role, but decided to give me a chance. If, at any point, I was not good, she would send security out to arrest me.

The whole performance, I basically did by shadowing Kristen on stage. No one seemed to see her performance, though, they only saw mine. I was also performing opposite the other male lead, Michael Fassbender. He was displeased with me taking over Kristen's role at the beginning, but he slowly warmed up to me.

By the end of the musical, Michael and I had fallen in love, and my performance in the musical was overtaking Kristen's direction for me. This was highlighted when, without any wires, I was able to do the flying Peter Pan sequences with Michael by holding on to the curtains and flying through the air (this was the coolest part of my dream).  Barbra also presented me an award in the middle of the show.

We were about to perform the big climactic musical number (the one involving Julie discovering she was a Nazi, and shedding her uniform in a blaze of song glory), and Kristen had somehow convinced Julie that I was unfit for the role (when, in fact, she was jealous that I was getting Michael's approval and doing a good job), and she had lowered the hammer on me. Security was closing in while the musical was still going on, and Michael and I were running around, trying to avoid security, while also getting on stage to do the final number. I was looking for a pair of shoes to go out on stage, when I was confronted backstage by Kristen. She was wearing the costume I was looking for, looking smug, with security around her. I dashed around her to get to the stage...

...and I woke up.

What You Need to Know About C-Sections

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, but it wasn't until a discussion came up in a mom group on Facebook that I was reminded about it. This is not an exhaustive list, it is just what I learned and what I usually tell moms who are looking at needing a C-section.

Note: I am NOT a doctor. Don't go against any doctor's advice to do the things I am suggesting (though, i don't think anything is too outrageous!). Just a disclaimer. I don't want to get sued later or anything. :)

Before the C-Section:

• It really can't be said enough: you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your birth plan WILL NOT go according to plan. I don't think many people expect to have C-sections their first time around. Most people intend to have a vaginal birth, whether using drugs or not. I don't think a lot of people would choose to have a major abdominal surgery (I know that some do--elective C-sections are on the rise--but I still think they're a minority.). Because you probably haven't planned on a C-section, its sudden arrival will cause some emotional trauma, whether immediately felt or not. In my case, the possibility of a C-section was lurking around starting around my 18th hour of labor--but for some, it is literally a last-minute decision that is made for them. The more you prepare yourself for sudden changes before your labor begins, the less the whole C-section situation will emotionally challenge you. To my (later) dismay, I really dismissed the idea of having a C-section; I didn't even let the possibility enter my mind, and so I didn't prepare myself adequately. Don't get me wrong: you will still have emotional issues over an unplanned C-section, but you'll handle it better if you allow yourself the possibility it might happen (like I didn't).
• I'm not sure what you wear after a vaginal birth, but I only recommend packing wide-band yoga/exercise pants for post-C-section wear. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT BRING JEANS to wear home, even maternity jeans!! The area around your new scar is ridiculously sensitive, and though it seems weird, I found it much more comfortable to have something supporting the whole area than to have something flowy that could brush against it, or maternity jeans that dig into that area. No drawstrings, either!  (I recommend something like these.)
• You'll probably have packed underwear if you're not planning on a C-section, but if you end up having one, you won't want to wear your own underwear for a while.
• If you know you're going to have a C-section, go out early to the drug store and buy the biggest pads you can find. I liked the Always Maxi Overnight Heavy Flow with Wings.  Buy two packs. While you'll love the mesh undies the hospital gives you, you won't love the cheap pads that the hospital provides for you. Seriously--they end up stacking them on top of each other, which is 1000% uncomfortable.
• Ask your doctor what he/she will do to stitch you up. Will you have stitches? Glue? Tape? I highly recommend being taped up, if that is an option. You won't have to go get anything removed later, and you can keep the tape on as long as you need to. I left my tape on for much longer than I probably needed to, but I found that my scar healed incredibly well where the tape was. A friend of mine had glue, and she had a lot more problems with her recovery (and her clothes) than I did.
• You will get a dry shave from a nurse, unless you arrive having already shaved yourself. Your husband might like to help with this area!

During the C-Section:

• TRY to relax. The whole C-section process is ridiculously fast. I had 10 minutes of prep in the OR before my husband and surgeon arrived, and 2 minutes later, baby was born. 30 minutes after that, I was in recovery. Considering what is happening, that is FAST. If your C-section is an unplanned decision, the whole situation can seem like a whirlwind. Say a prayer, meditate, take deep breaths--whatever you need to do to calm yourself for the storm!
• You're going to experience one of the strangest out-of-body sensations ever. Whole-body numbness is something few can claim to understand--you will soon be one of them.
• Something I didn't do that I will ask for the next time around is for the doctor or the nurses to keep telling me what is happening. That might set your mind at ease a bit (unless you wish to remain blissfully ignorant).

After the C-Section:

• I itched like crazy coming out of the epidural. Not everyone has this reaction, but you might. I was also shaking uncontrollably. Again, not everyone has this reaction, but I certainly wasn't expecting it.
• You will be numb in your incision area for a long time. Weeks. Months. I'm a year out, and it still feels differently in that spot. I wore yoga pants for about two weeks after for comfort's sake (but I'm definitely opposed to yoga pants as everyday wear).
• Expect your scar area to look incredibly gnarly for a while. I took a scar selfie the day after my surgery, and the results were disturbing. I felt like Jack Skellington down there. But, if you take good care to wash and dry your incision area (use a hair dryer instead of rubbing with a towel), you'll end up with a beautiful battle wound you can wear with pride. Incidentally, mine is about 6 inches wide, about a hands-width down from my belly button.
• Embrace the mesh underwear. No matter what cut of undies you brought with you, they will inevitably sit right on top of your brand-new scar. Those see-through, tear-away granny panties they give you will become your new best friend. Ask for a couple of extra pairs to wear the first few days you are home. You'll be sad when they run out.
• TAKE THE POST-OP DRUGS. Don't try to be a hero. That being said, after a week or so, start to wean yourself off of them--they will make you constipated.
• Rest, as much as you can. You have a new baby, but you also had a major surgery. If you don't rest, recovery will be even harder.
• On the flip side of that, GET OUT OF BED. The more you are able to get up (do it as slowly as you need to) and walk around (do it as gingerly as you need to), the better your recovery will be. I attribute my relatively easy recovery on the fact that I was up and out of my room 3-4 times a day to go down to the NICU to see my baby. That really helped my mobility in a big way. Get a ring sling, or another wrap to wear your baby and do laps around the hallways, if that helps you.
• Laughing will hurt. A lot. Use an extra pillow to hold against your incision area if you have hilarious visitors (like I did).
• Just like in a vaginal birth, they will make you poop before you leave the hospital. While I imagine this is incredibly painful having a vaginal delivery, the thought of pushing out poop is one of the scariest things imaginable after having a C-section. Take the stool softeners they give you, but also make sure you are drinking plenty of water. I always had my nurses bring me a pitcher of water and a pitcher of ice with every meal, and I kept it refilled often.
• Make plans for someone to stay with you the first night after your baby is born. A lot of husbands go home to get some sleep--but you will definitely need help that first night. Enlist a good friend to stay if your husband can't. You will need someone to help you get out of bed, help you get the baby changed, etc. That first night after surgery is the hardest to accomplish anything on your own. (I did not have anyone stay, and it was a really hard night--I called the nurses every hour for something or another--and I was really trying not to be needy!)
• Finally, though you might be anxious to get home to your own bed, I highly recommend taking all the time they will let you have to stay in the hospital. You have people who bring you food, you have nurses on call for anything you need, you don't have to worry about piles of laundry or dishes, and you have a bed that moves up and down with the press of a button! The pull for home might be strong, but I don't regret staying that extra night in the least.

There's a book called The Essential C-Section Guide that I'll be picking up from the library or Amazon the next time I need it. I've heard great things about it.

How about you other C-section mamas?  What have you learned from experience that you pass on to other C-section mamas?

Pee Stick and Telling Nick

(Written on June 11, 2014)

So, I've had a few days to process.

I am pregnant.

I am going to have another baby.

I am going to have another baby.

I am going to have another baby.

I am going to have another baby!

(Say those sentences in a progressively louder and more hyper-sounding voice, and you'll have my inflection down perfectly.)

To say I was surprised would be an understatement.

I'm not sure why. I mean, we were having unprotected sex. Hello, that's how babies are made! I'm not sure what we were thinking on that one, other than figuring it took us so long last time that it probably wouldn't happen so easily.  Honestly, with Nick and I, we tend to just not think about it.

Wanna know a secret? We have never used a condom. Seriously. Almost 9 years of marriage, not once. No sex before marriage, so no possibility there. First 5 years of our marriage I was on birth control, and the next 3 years we were trying to have a baby. I've never opened one of those foil packets. We've never even bought any. I wouldn't have any idea where to start. I probably could've sent Nick to go get some (he would have a better idea than me, I'm guessing), but honestly, I didn't even think to ask him to. So, over the last 14 months since Avonlea has been born, we've just been....well, au naturel, as they say.

That's probably irresponsible, especially since I was so freaked out to have a baby.  But I genuinely, honestly, had NO IDEA we would have any success again. It's like the little part of my brain that remembers how babies are made just inconveniently forgot about it. And it's not like I frequent the condom aisle at the drug store, either, so as to be subtly reminded.

Over the last few weeks, I have had weird moments of thinking, "I'm pregnant." I took the pregnancy test after a couple of days of thinking, "I think I'm late." When I clipped coupons this month, I clipped some pregnancy test coupons. I was having nightmares about being pregnant. I was daydreaming about if people would think I was crazy if I called adoption agencies to give up the baby I was dreaming I had. I was relieved when feeling what I thought was my pre-period cramping, and wore a pad one night, just in case (that was a waste). When I took the test, a little voice in the back of my head said, "It's going to be positive."

I took the test while Nick was out re-enrolling in AAA for the year, and left it in the bathroom for a while, forgotten, while I looked after Avonlea. I only remembered to go in and look at it because Nick arrived home, and I didn't want to freak him out with a used pregnancy test in the bathroom.

Last time, immediately after finding that little blue line, I was a smidge disappointed (which I detailed in this post).

This time, I was downright freaked. out. Full on, horror movie levels of scared. Approximately one million and one thoughts screamed through my head at the same time: "I can't do this. I still have a baby--how can I possibly be prepared to take on another one! I've seen my friends who have a toddler and a newborn--they look like they want to go into fetal position at any moment. I can't handle that! I'm not back to my pre-baby weight! I'm going to get so incredibly fat! I can't do this. I can't DO this!"

After the fear, came the shock (and irritation): "Seriously? Again? STUPID Allison. WHY didn't you go and buy some freaking condoms?!?"

To top it off, Nick and I weren't really talking to each other very much. We were in a "fight", though we don't really have knock-down, drag-out fights. We just kind of do the silent treatment. (Nick will probably read this later and say, "We were in a fight?" That's how well we fight.)

When he got home, and I checked the test, I thought for a split second about waiting to tell him the news. Last time, I had such a cute way of telling him. But now, I was just so upset that we were in a fight that I wanted to resolve it as soon as possible.

Nick started to tell me something about the AAA thing, and all I could do was start to cry. Nick, of course, wondered what was wrong, and I apologized for my part of the fight. And then I said, "I think we have a huge problem."

I got up off the couch to go get the pregnancy test, and Nick followed me. I brought it back out to him in the hallway, and he got a huge smile on his face, and said, "Uh-oh! What does that mean?" (in a sly, I-already-know-what-it-means kind of way). I'm really glad he was smiling and happy, because I was bawling by this point.

I probably should've waited to tell him in a more fun way, but I just couldn't think of how I would get excited about it enough to be creative and happy when I told him, so I blurted it out to him over a laundry basket of dirty socks.

That sounds terrible to say. I really hope that Biscuit doesn't hate me later in life for knowing that I wasn't initially excited about his/her presence in my womb.

But above all the emotions; the fear, the worry, the shock--I never once thought that we should get rid of it. I never thought we should abort, or put it up for adoption. This is OUR BABY. And whether or not we were ready for its creation is a moot point (or, a moo point). And deep down, I was happy. Definitely not outrageously happy, but I was at least minutely pleased. In the midst of my tears on Nick's shirt, I was able to smile about the new life we had created.

Now that a few days have passed, it still hits me like a ton of bricks when I remember, again, that I am pregnant. But I also realize a little bit more each day that it really is going to be okay. God would not have given us this life if it was not meant for us. If we would not be able to handle it. It might take me a while to be 100% gung-ho about it, but that's okay.

We're going to have another baby.

And it's going to be great.