To My Secondborn

Dear Aria,

I feel like I need to apologize to you.

Yes, you are only 4 months old, but this is a big one.

I'm sorry I didn't want you.

Before I got pregnant, while hanging out with my 13-month old, I would have dreams that I was pregnant, and I dreamt about how I would get rid of it somehow (I think I had a "baby in a basket in the Nile like Moses" dream). Then, when I found out I was pregnant, I actually had several days where I considered not telling anyone and giving you up for adoption. There are so many people out there who want babies, and I. Did. Not.

It's no secret I had a hard time with Avonlea. I had postpartum blues, I had trouble breastfeeding, Avonlea cried all the time and ate all night long, and it was exhausting. We were pretty happy being a family of 3, and I knew it would take a lot of planning (or a lot of booze) to get me to want to be a mom to another baby.

But God had a different plan. And when Avonlea was 13.5 months old, we got pregnant again.

And I was MAD. And sad. And frustrated. And scared. Boy, was I scared. I didn't think I could do it again. I didn't WANT to do it again.  And that feeling lasted much longer than it should have. For about 5 months, I really didn't want you.

And for that, I am sorry.

Because beautiful baby girl, you are an AMAZING gift. You are an incredible baby. Nearly perfect, if I say so myself. :) Sure, you have crying fits. Every baby does. But you spend most of the day in a lovely, smiley mood. You're super-easy to put to sleep. You sleep in my arms with a swaddle or without, and you're pretty content in your own bed with a good tight swaddle. You take a pacifier. You take a bottle (though, I haven't tried recently). You wake up only a couple times a night, and go right back to sleep without needing to be rocked or shushed. You take LONG naps during the day. You are happy and cheerful, and you smile at everyone.

With Avonlea, I was super-excited all pregnancy, and then spent the next 6 months wondering what in the world I was thinking. With you, Aria, I spent 4 months wondering what in the world was I thinking, and then have spent every minute since you have been born marveling at how incredible you are.  I'm sorry I didn't want you.

Because now, I can't imagine life without you.

Love,
Mommy