The Dichotomy of Motherhood

(Photo courtesy of my obliging hubby)

Motherhood is this strange dichotomy.

A constant push-and-pull between the needs of the present and the desires of the future.  For me, the needs of the present shout and cry and wave their petulant fists: "I need to do the dishes (because we are completely out)! I need to pack up the house! I need to take a shower! I need to get some SLEEEEEP!"  The shouting is usually when she is refusing naps, or not going to sleep at bedtime. (The crying occurs in the 3am hour.)

But at the same time, my knowledge of the desires of the future are like little whispers: "The dishes can wait. She's only small for so long. You'll miss this some day. Look at her little fingers holding onto your shirt. Listen to her little breaths. She won't let you do this when she's 12, or 16, or 25. Embrace it now."

So I hold her a little longer tonight. I watch her little chest rise and fall, watch her eyelids shudder as she begins a night of dreams. I know this time is so short. Tonight, I think of the future, and leave the dishes for later.

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 13

We are out getting a drink, and Avonlea says, "I want a drink, too."
So I ask, "Oh really? What kind of drink do you want?"
And she says, "Umm...I will take a sweet tea. With light ice, please."

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 12

Mom: Avonlea, do you want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, or Applebee's?

Avonlea: I don't know what you're saying.
(Which is what I say to her when she mumbles or is using a new word J haven't deciphered yet.)

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 11

Mom: What story do you want to read tonight, Avonlea?

(Avonlea picks up a Disney collection of stories, points to the Minnie Mouse story.)

Avonlea: The scratch story!

Mom: Oh, Avonlea. Mommy doesn't want to read that story. We read it all the time. I want to read a different one.

Avonlea: I know Mommy. But you need to be nice.

Afternoon in the Life...

I follow a really great group on Facebook called Toddler Approved. It's always chock-full of great ideas, and having done several of them, I can say that it's one of the best sites for toddler sensory/art/behavioral techniques.

I saw a great post about "Fizzle Pumpkins" that I thought Avonlea would really enjoy. We painted a couple of our pumpkins a few days ago, and she really enjoyed it, so I thought it would be fun to step it up a little.

We paint at our house at least once a week, and Avonlea really enjoys it. She's also pretty good at keeping the paint off of herself and on the paper/other surface we are working with.

At 4:45 I got the painting equipment together. I mixed the paint up while Aria played on the floor peacefully. Avonlea was excited about painting, so she was running back and forth in and out of the house. I brought Aria out and put her in the Bumbo seat, along with our metal colander and a spoon. She enjoys "making music", so I thought she would enjoy it while Avonlea and I painted.

We started painting, and right away I found out that my paint/baking soda ratio was off. It wasn't gliding onto the pumpkin like paint would normally, it was looking more like clumpy cottage cheese, and sliding off. I was frustrated, but we pressed on. Avonlea seemed to be enjoying herself, so I just let it go.

Aria took a really great nap today, but she slept early, so she was ready for another nap early. She started to get fussy only a few minutes after getting outside. She had tossed aside the spoon and was instead leaning over as far as possible and playing in the dirt (of course).

I decided to speed the process up and bring the vinegar out in a cup with a straw. Of course, Avonlea couldn't manage the technique, so I was helping. But because the ratio was off, I'm pretty sure it wasn't as spectacular as it would normally be.

During the entire time we were painting, we were being buzzed by flies. I'm not sure what it is about our house, but the flies and the ants are TERRIBLE. We have a fly trap that we have been meaning to put out, but just haven't yet, so I decided, after 10 minutes of trying to swat the flies, that I would put up the fly trap.  So I left the girls outside and went in to get the rope and fly trap.

I came back out and Avonlea had taken the paints in her playhouse. While I was hanging the fly trap onto the roof, I was trying to yell to Avonlea not to pain the inside of her house. I finally got the thing hung up (it is full of water, so I couldn't just set it down to stop Avonlea), stepped off the chair, and my knot came undone and fell to the ground, completely breaking apart and splashing stank water all over me.

At this point, I am frustrated. I look in the house, and Avonlea is disobeying and painting the inside of her house--with her fingers. I carry Aria inside and put her on the floor with some toys. I go back out and carry Avonlea inside and rinse her off and wash off my legs, which had been sprayed by fly trap stank water. I put Avonlea in time out, and gather Aria, since she was angry about being put on the floor.

After Avonlea's 2 minute time-out, I take her back outside to clean up her mess, which of course she can't clean up well, but I have to follow through on in order to be a good mom.

The whole time I am thinking, why did I even attempt this nonsense??

This happens to me SO OFTEN. I have good intentions, and then it all gets mucked up somehow. *sigh*

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 10

Avonlea: I have something in my eye.
Allison: Oh yeah? What do you have in your eye?
Avonlea: An eyeball.

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 9

"I do it all by my very self."

The Worst Mom in the World

There's this mom I know. She makes some of the worst parenting decisions ever. I can't even believe it sometimes. Some of the things she does--how she can think of herself as a good mom at all??

Think I'm being harsh? Here are just a few of the terrible things she has done:

* She wasn't happy when she found out she was having a baby. In fact, she cried. A lot. And not happy tears, either!
* She didn't put her baby on a schedule at all. She was up every hour or two hours all night until her baby was like, 10 months old!
* This one time, she took her baby on a flight across the country, and it screamed the ENTIRE FLIGHT. Ugh--how annoying, right?
* I hear she lets her daughter watch TV EVERY DAY. Sometimes, more than one show a day!
* She gives her daughter the BAD mac-n-cheese.
* She uses canned baby food.
* This mom lets her kid run around the park and she doesn't even watch her every second.
* She left her baby in the car one time while she ran into the gas station.
* Once, she even forgot to strap her baby into the car seat, and then took the FREEWAY HOME. *shudder* Who forgets to strap in the baby??
* Oh my gosh, she lets her kids eat off of the floor, too!
* This one time, her kids were outside in 50-degree weather, and she didn't even have coats for them. Her little baby had blue lips!
* I'm pretty sure she has "heat and serve" dinners pretty much every night of the week. Sometimes, she even goes to TACO BELL for dinner. They have Grade D beef there!
* There have been several times she has said that she doesn't like her kids. Did you hear that? She doesn't like her OWN KIDS sometimes!
* Her daughter will ask, "Mommy, will you play with me?" and she doesn't always say yes. Sometimes, she gets frustrated by the question.
* She has spanked her daughter. In anger!
* Most of the time she looks like a hot mess. She went so long without doing her hair it just stayed put when she took her ponytail holder out.
* She leaves her daughter screaming in the childcare while she works out for an hour.
* Her daughter is 2.5 and STILL not potty trained. And she doesn't even care!
* She says that her favorite time of day is when both her girls are asleep.
* She has non-organic food in the house. And I know she cheats on her diet!
* She let the baby sleep in the bed with her and her husband.
* The baby doesn't have any idea how to put herself to sleep--she has to be rocked to sleep, even at 8 months old!
* She plays music in the car that has bad words and/or bad messages in them.
* Sometimes, she puts her older kid to bed just because she doesn't want to hear her voice anymore.

I mean, seriously. This mom has got a lock on the Bad Mom title. Look at that huge list! And I know there's more. Thank goodness I'm a better mom than her.

Only I'm not. Because, if you might have guessed, the mom "deserving of the Bad Mom title" is ME. I have done all those things above, and countless others. I'm firmly on the "don't" side of the "do's and don't's of parenting" sign.

I fail all the time. All. The. Time. Sometimes, it's an unconscious fail, but often, it's a fully-realized, I-know-this-isn't-the-best-thing kind of fail.

The one that kills me the most is near the end of the list. Lately, Avonlea (who is a very independent girl, and happy to play solo) has been asking "Mommy, will you play with me?" nearly 35 times a day. And every single time she asks me it feels like it is one of those Important Moments. Do I really want to be the mom that says "no" when my 2-year old asks me to play with her?  Of course not.

But...

What if it's the 30th time she's asked you, and you have been playing with her for the last hour, and the load of laundry needs to be switched out? Or the ants are invading the kitchen (again) because the dirty dishes from last night are still on the counter? Or you really need to take a shower? Or, for just this next 20 minutes, you just don't want to? You just want to sit and veg on the couch with a book or a project or an email or a blog post (or yes, Instagram), and have her play by herself.  WHY do I feel like if I choose "me" over "her" once or twice or three times a day (or some days more, if I'm honest), that she's going to end up in therapy because "I remember asking my mom to play with me and she chose to be on her phone instead."

That list above *is* me. I'm going to own it. I screw up. I make mistakes. But I'm also an awesome mom. I have to remind myself a lot, because I screw up a lot. I have to try to not be an awesome* mom, with the asterisk pointing to a footnote that says, "*sometimes."

* I'm REALLY good with reading. We can read the same book 5 times in a row, and I don't get tired of it.
* I'm also good at making up stories on the fly. Today it was about a little girl who wished for adventure and so a magic butterfly came and granted her one wish and turned her house into a rocketship that went to the moon.
* We do amazing karaoke together. And I know every Disney song and I have excellent melody/harmony skills, so we never go off key, and we never start too high or too low. We always have music with us wherever we go, and we love to sing together.
* I am excellent at documenting. Pictures, notes, blogs, baby books--mine are all updated and beautiful. Yes, Aria, too.
* We explore new places together. We have zoo passes and go as often as we can when it's not 8000 degrees. We have been to all the Children's museums in the area and plan to visit a couple more I just heard about. We go to local parks and playgrounds together. We have gone to baseball games and soccer games and theater shows and concerts. We have gone to the pool and to the beach. We have been to Hollywood and to Philadelphia.
* I'm not great, but I'm getting better at making whole food for the kids. I'm reading labels and making better choices.
* I'm conscious about making sure my girls see me interacting with their Daddy in a positive way, and see me interacting with friends and neighbors in a polite way. I want them also to see me taking care of my body, which is why I take them to the gym 3x a week (even when Aria is losing her mind).
* I can ALWAYS make the girls laugh. And unless it's an unusual circumstance, I can always calm them down from a tantrum.
* Avonlea loves green beans and peas and carrots and celery. She loves natural peanut butter and greek yogurt. She loves turkey and ham. I'm trying to have her be as well-rounded as possible so that she makes healthy choices for herself someday.

I guess more than anything, though, is that I try. I WANT to do well. I want to be a good mom, to have my girls turn out mostly okay. I can't do it all on my own, and it certainly isn't easy when the mom guilt kicks in. But I'm trying.

Edited to add: After I published this, an article popped up in my newsfeed from Scary Mommy, and I realized that this sounds very similar to that article. I will link to it here, and say that I did read that article such a long time ago, and its format must have stuck with me. So I guess I was inspired by it, be it extremely unconsciously!

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 8

Nick was bathing Avonlea, and let a particularly stinky fart. After a minute:

Avonlea: Aaw, Daddy poop in your pants?

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 7

I gave Avonlea a larger spoon of peanut butter to supplement a dinner the other night. Nick commented on it at the table while Avonlea listened on.

Nick: that is a really big spoonful. She is little.
Avonlea: No, I'm big! And strong!

Giggling in the Rearview...

****

I'm going to not try to pretend I'm good at keeping up with blogging anymore. I'm still good with pictures. But blogging, not so much. Every once in a while I'll be struck by something, and so I'll attempt to get it out "on paper", but then the baby will wake and start crying, or I'll feel just guilty enough to do the dishes, or I'll just be so tired I need to go to sleep, and the writing will get postponed until I forget about it.

Aah, well. It's a season.

****

I grew up just down the street from one of my best friends. We grew up in church together, and ended up living across the street and 5 houses down from each other through middle and high school. We would spend an afternoon together, and then spend an hour or more "walking each other home" back and forth, back and forth between our homes.

I don't remember a lot of specifics of our conversations. I'm sure a lot of it revolved around our completely innocent crushes, church, school, friends, and other things, but a lot of our conversations were full of silliness. We grew up in Midwestern, middle-class comfort, with not a lot of baggage or trouble. We had very little knowledge of scandal or drama; most of our struggles were how to get our hair sprayed just the right way, or how to peg our jeans (and I NEVER got those things right, anyway). We spent the majority of time making up silly stories or laughing over games of M.A.S.H.Y. We had a very elaborate ongoing story that kept getting continued by the phrase, "and that was the beginning of pig snorting!" We had a habit of reading all street and business signs backwards, cracking up at trying to pronounce azziP tuH over and over again.

Ingrained in my memory is the sound of my friend's laughter, something I always recall when I think of her. It's an incredibly happy memory.

As with many aspects of the middle schoolers' existence, I recall sharing a lot of these laughing fits while in the presence of my parents. They would drive us to the mall, or to Kings Island amusement park, or to church and back again, all while we cackled and giggled and told completely nonsensical stories in the car. They would watch us in bemused wonderment, and probably ask us more than once, "What in the world are you girls talking about?" to which we would crack up again.

I read a story tonight about a local 12-year old who was talked off of a bridge by a police officer. Without going into too much about the story (because oh. my. God. It breaks my heart into a million pieces.--you can read about it here), it just made me reflect on what I was like as a 12-year old--and I was instantly taken back to those times with my friend, laughing and cackling in the back of my parent's station wagon. I have zero instances of moments where I wanted to take my life. None. And this is coming from someone who had a pretty terrible middle school experience. There were definitely days I never wanted to go back to school. I wanted to transfer. I wanted to melt into the pavement and never see certain people ever again. But end my life? Not once. It would never have even entered my mind.

The life of my 12-year old existence and the life of the 12-year old in the news seem so diametrically opposed to each other. So much so that it actually makes me worry.

Is this what I have to prepare myself for? I am raising two girls. In Los Angeles. In the social media-driven, celebrity-obsessed culture for which I am immersed but also well-prepared for. HOW IN THE WORLD am I supposed to get my girls ready to handle it while they're also up to their necks surrounded by it?

I picture myself now, not as the kid laughing with her friend in the backseat. That careless abandon and whimsy seems almost weird now that I'm immersed in "adult land", full of bills and responsibilities and mothering. I now picture myself as the parent, and it is a much more wistful scenario. I now see myself as my mom probably saw me--hearing laughter, looking in my rear-view mirror. And where she saw my friend and I, I *hope* that I get to see my girls laughing together with their girlfriends in the backseat. That they're laughing over silly stories and songs, and not laughing at others' expense. On a more basic level, that they're *laughing* together, and not crying over boys or their bodies or (God forbid) their existence.

God, I need your help in raising my girls! Help me to protect their innocence to the world while also preparing them for the reality of it. Help me to instill in them a love of laughter and friendship and staying young. Help me to be an example to them of silliness and loud songs and climbing and dancing wildly. Lead them to friends like I had: friends that smile and laugh and joke and act their age. Give me grace to make mistakes and not feel too guilty about "screwing them up totally." Bestow upon them courage to make mistakes and live boldly and serve humbly and make this world better than it was when they came into it.

It's gonna be a wild and crazy ride. I hope to see them giggling in the rearview.

Grr....Arrgh

I have been trying to put Aria to sleep for the last hour and a half. She has been crying off and on that whole time.

See this girl?

She no longer exists.

She has been replaced with a she-wolf who acts like she needs no sleep yet cries like a banshee when she doesn't get it.

She has literally changed her sleep behaviors 180 degrees since she was 0-3 months old.

0-3 Months

• Would sleep anywhere--on my chest, in our bed, on the floor, on a chair, in her swing, in her rocker--except her car seat, where she would scream.
• Took 34 naps a day (or, more accurately, was awake a total of 3 hours a day).
• Did not need any special blankets/swaddles/sound machines/pacifiers
• Slept 5-7 hour stretches at night
• Could be laid down and fall asleep without any interventions

Currently (almost 6 months)

• Only sleeps in her car seat.
• Wants to take 3 naps a day, but will only really take one--maybe two if I'm lucky. Depending on car rides for extra naps.
• It's sleep machine plus sleep sack or no sleep. Really only wants to sleep in our bed, but we've been working on moving her to the crib. It isn't going well.
• Sleeping 2.5-3 hour stretches at night
• If she falls asleep with the pacifier in, God help us if it falls out.
• Averaging a 35 minute go-to-sleep intervention, involving nursing, rocking, shushing, crying it out (completely ineffective), laying in our bed, laying in her bed, pacifier, no pacifier, tag-teaming with Dad, tagging back to Mom, falling asleep and then putting her down and having her wake up to have to do it all over again.

I seriously HATE this. After the 1.25 hour mark tonight, I just said "goodnight" to the screaming baby, closed the door and had to leave. I was SO PISSED OFF.  Just &(^^@(*ing sleep already, kid. You're pissing me off.  Nick went in and got her to sleep finally. (Thank you, husband!)

THIS is why I don't want any more kids. THIS is why I cried big bucket tears when we found out we were having another one. I didn't want to have to go through this AGAIN. Yes, babies are cute and snuggly and have squishy cheeks and pinchable thighs, but the incessant sleep training/loss/nonexistence is enough to make a woman go crazy. I need this kid to go to bed at 7pm. If she doesn't, then that's just more time in the day where she is latched on to me. And I completely love my kids, but if I don't get a good, solid 2 hours away from them before I go to bed, I become a bad mom.

(Edited to add: her first tooth pushed through yesterday, and it is a full moon--which might explain the last two nights--but not the three weeks prior to this.)

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 6

Avonlea has stayed with a friend and her 3 kids while I play early softball games.  This last week, as we were leaving, she says,  "Mom, that was such a good time."

Bait and Switch

Sadly, this post has been a few weeks coming. I wish things would show signs of changing course, but it doesn't appear to be headed anywhere else.

Aria pulled a bait and switch on me. 

She spent the first three months of her life sleeping peacefully anywhere and everywhere she had the chance. She slept so much I actually thought something might be wrong with her. But no, she was just an amazing sleeper.

She hit three months, and the sleeping overnight started to get messed up. She started to have swaddle problems.

She hit four months, and she went down to three naps a day, and decided that she wanted to sleep on her side (but couldn't stay in that position on her own).

She hit five months, and decided she no longer wanted to sleep in her own bed, but in ours.

Now at five and a half months, she decides that going to sleep is going to be a battle every. Single. Time. Not only that, but she sleeps so fitfully that she wakes herself up constantly.

I thought I had a baby that was going to be amazing at sleep!  Nope. Bait and switch.

She still needs a lot of sleep. She is REALLY cranky when she gets tired.  But she will no longer go down easily. It takes me feeding her laying down, plus staying with her holding the pacifier in her mouth for her to sleep. And then, she will still sometimes wake up every 45 minutes (even though she isn't ready to wake up) and I will have to come back in and roll her onto her side and stick the pacifier back in because she can't soothe herself.

Avonlea was awful for the first several months, but at least I could put her in her own bed and she would get herself to sleep relatively easy. She would scoot and travel around the bed, but never really wake up. Once she woke up, she was actually ready to wake up. Aria is NOT this way. She needs constant coaxing to get to sleep, and then if she rolls over at all she wakes up angry and needs more coddling to get back to sleep.

I know you're not supposed to compare your kids to each other, but it's hard not to in this case, when one is doing so terribly, and you have fond memories of the other.

Someone told me that it is really helpful to do your best to get your kids napping at the same time. And thankfully, this actually works really well for us. Aria usually goes down for a second nap at noon, I fix Avonlea's lunch and she goes down between 12:30 and 1. Aria sleeps for about 3 hours, Avonlea is down for 3 or 4 hours.

The problem is that Aria has no idea how to soothe herself--because I am constantly trying to keep her from crying out during naptime because Avonlea is sleeping, too! Since Avonlea takes such a long nap, you can imagine how ROTTEN she is if she doesn't get a nap. Aria cries and wakes Avonlea up, so I am doing whatever I can to make sure that doesn't happen. I kind of wonder if all second babies are like this--terrible at self-soothing because moms don't want them to cry and wake up the older kid.

I would like to do a little bit of cry it out, but there just isn't a good time to do it. We are in a 2-bedroom house, and the bedrooms are so close together. I wish there was an upstairs, or some separation between the rooms or something so I could work more with sleep training Aria without messing up Avonlea.

*sigh*

Quick Post

I haven't written in a while. When wrangling a 2 year old and a 5 month old, my down time becomes do-as-much-as-I-can time, or more recently, do-as-little-as-possible time.

Aria is 5.5 months old now. Craziness! I don't know if it's because she's the 2nd, or if I'm just slower this time around, but I really feel like she's such a baby still. And then she'll go and do something that reminds me that she isn't a baby, she's growing up and learning and doing new things all the time. I mean, I can't get it in my head that she can start trying solid foods soon. Like, what?? I'm ready for that, but also so not.

She's firmly planted in our bed now. I haven't tried her in the pack-and-play for almost a week. Why? She just squirms and cries all night if I do, and I would like some SLEEP, thankyouverymuch.  I'm hoping it's a temporary arrangement. Nick and I have talked about getting the mattress for the crib we got off Craigslist to see if she'll sleep in it any better than she sleeps in our bed. It isn't too big of a deal right now, but she is getting bigger, and her feet are in the middle of my back all night long, which is a drag. I NEVER thought I would co-sleep, but these days, I do what I've gotta do to get some sleep. When she was in her pack-and-play, she was squirming and whining every 20-30 minutes. Ain't nobody got time for that nonsense!

Avonlea is awesome. She's funny and smart, and playful and expressive. She's mimicking everything we say, which makes us have to be a little more careful--not that we say too many bad phrases or anything, but when a toddler says "Aaaw, shoot!" sometimes it doesn't really sound the same, and we get strange looks in the store.

Sunni and I took the girls to the beach a few weeks ago. Aria loved laying on a blanket in the sand. Avonlea wasn't a big fan of the sand or the ocean, but she got used to it after a half hour or so, and spent the rest of the day building things in the sand with Sunni.

I'm so glad I get to spend every day with these beauties. I didn't do anything to deserve them, but I'll keep them.

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 5

A friend of mine was walking in the house, making gestures like he was going to tickle Avonlea. She stood up as tall as she could, held out her hand, and said "Sop it."

Friend: "Avonlea, what is your Daddy's name?"
Avonlea: "Daddy."
Friend: "Avonlea, what is your Mommy's name?"
Avonlea: {pronouncing phonetically} "Ahleeson."

Swimming!

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 4

Favorite toddler phrases:

When she wants you to stop: "Sop it."

When she wants you to pick her up: "Hold you?"

When she wants a hug: "Give you hug more?"

When she wants something and I ask her to ask politely: "Say please?"

If we go to Panda Express, or have pasta for dinner, she'll announce with joy, "Panda time!" or "Pasta time!"

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 3

Avonlea is holding a mini magna doodle, walking around the house saying, "A...V...O...N...L...E...A...Avonlea!"

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 2

Yesterday, in the car.

We see a stalled vehicle on the side of the highway, and a tow truck is there with flashing lights on.
Avonlea: Siren, mommy!
Me: A siren? Oh, no that it a tow truck.
Avonlea: (trying the words out) Tow truck?
Me: Yes. It is there to help that car that has stopped running. It will use a special cable to pick up the car and take it to get fixed.
Avonlea: *silence*
(A couple of minutes later)
Avonlea: Like Mater!
Me: What? Where do you see Mater? (It had been so long, I had forgotten what we had talked about. It took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about.)  Oh! Yes, the tow truck was like Mater. Mater is a tow truck, too!
Avonlea: Tow truck like Mater!  Oh, how cute!

To My Secondborn

Dear Aria,

I feel like I need to apologize to you.

Yes, you are only 4 months old, but this is a big one.

I'm sorry I didn't want you.

Before I got pregnant, while hanging out with my 13-month old, I would have dreams that I was pregnant, and I dreamt about how I would get rid of it somehow (I think I had a "baby in a basket in the Nile like Moses" dream). Then, when I found out I was pregnant, I actually had several days where I considered not telling anyone and giving you up for adoption. There are so many people out there who want babies, and I. Did. Not.

It's no secret I had a hard time with Avonlea. I had postpartum blues, I had trouble breastfeeding, Avonlea cried all the time and ate all night long, and it was exhausting. We were pretty happy being a family of 3, and I knew it would take a lot of planning (or a lot of booze) to get me to want to be a mom to another baby.

But God had a different plan. And when Avonlea was 13.5 months old, we got pregnant again.

And I was MAD. And sad. And frustrated. And scared. Boy, was I scared. I didn't think I could do it again. I didn't WANT to do it again.  And that feeling lasted much longer than it should have. For about 5 months, I really didn't want you.

And for that, I am sorry.

Because beautiful baby girl, you are an AMAZING gift. You are an incredible baby. Nearly perfect, if I say so myself. :) Sure, you have crying fits. Every baby does. But you spend most of the day in a lovely, smiley mood. You're super-easy to put to sleep. You sleep in my arms with a swaddle or without, and you're pretty content in your own bed with a good tight swaddle. You take a pacifier. You take a bottle (though, I haven't tried recently). You wake up only a couple times a night, and go right back to sleep without needing to be rocked or shushed. You take LONG naps during the day. You are happy and cheerful, and you smile at everyone.

With Avonlea, I was super-excited all pregnancy, and then spent the next 6 months wondering what in the world I was thinking. With you, Aria, I spent 4 months wondering what in the world was I thinking, and then have spent every minute since you have been born marveling at how incredible you are.  I'm sorry I didn't want you.

Because now, I can't imagine life without you.

Love,
Mommy

Clappity Claps

Avonlea has taken to clapping whenever she is super happy about something, or when she is really excited about something.

It's adorable.

For My "Other Mothers"

Mother's Day is hard for me. That's easy to understand. I miss my mom. I miss my Mamaw Campbell. I am sad I don't get to celebrate with them, and share my own girls with them.

But I would definitely be remiss if I didn't take time to comment on the fact that I still have FOUR amazing women that I can call "Mom" on this day. And I want to take a few minutes to share how they have impacted my life.

First, "Aunt Sunni". When I talk about my life here in Los Angeles, it is nearly impossible not to mention Sunni. She is our next door neighbor, and our landlord--but she is so much more than that for our family. She has taken over the Mom/Grandma role for us ever since we moved into our current home. She watches the girls. She loves Avonlea like she was her own granddaughter. She makes Avonlea amazing gifts, like "pimped out Cozy Coupe" that looks like Minnie Mouse:

She lets our guests stay at her mother-in-law apartment. She brings food and does my dishes and hangs out with the girls so I can take a nap. She is the Mom that I don't have here. My friends all exclaim, "*I* want an Aunt Sunni!" We don't ever want to move because of her.

Secondly, Great-Grammy Klimis. We don't get to see her often, but she loves and cares for my girls so much. She sends them beautiful dresses for the holidays. She cared for her husband through his many years with Alzheimer's disease, and was an incredible example of self-sacrifice and spousal love. And she raised a wonderful son, who cares deeply for my mother-in-law, and that makes her an All-Star Mom in my book.

Thirdly, my Mother-in-Law, Gaydene. I know of friends who have horror stories of their mothers-in-law, but I have absolutely no concept of that fact. My Mom is loving and kind. She has a heart to serve and love others. It was one of my first impressions of her when we met when Nick and I were dating. She just wanted to make a difference in other's lives, and I can say first-hand she has done that. She absolutely loves her grandkids. She doesn't get to see them as often as she would like, but she stays involved in all of our lives. Avonlea is growing up with a love of her Grammy, even though we are several states away from each other. She didn't have the easiest time as a mom herself, raising Nick on her own for a period of time. But she did an amazing job raising a son of integrity, who values hard work and quality, who provides for his family and is a source of strength for us to lean on. She helped to make Nick the man that I married, and for that I am forever grateful.

Finally, Grandma Hume. I have so many amazing memories of Grandma. Of Saturday mornings eating Cream of Rice cereal with her and Grandpa. Of Sunday afternoons at the pool at Kettering Rec Center and falling asleep on her couch afterward while the water dripped out of my ears. Of dressing up in her old nightgowns. Of croquet matches in her backyard on the hill. Of climbing her magnolia tree and picking roses in her backyard. Of putting up her tree together. Of epic family dinners with enough desserts to feed an army. Of beautiful handmade linens and drapes. Of photos and cameras and memories in handmade books. Of Tupperware containers filled with treats after every college soccer game, and earning the nickname of "Cookie Grandma." Of 63 God-filled years of marriage. Of countless matches of Rummikub and Monopoly and Memory and Chinese Checkers. Of endless service projects at church and hosting missionary families and friends in a never-ending sea of hospitality. Many of the best moments of my life include my Grandma, and I know thousands of others who would say the same. She is going to need a wheelbarrow to carry around her crown of jewels when she eventually gets to Heaven. She's 89 and a little slower than she used to be, but she's still a spitfire and a woman I love with every bit of who I am.

Avonlea Overheard, Vol. 1

"Watt Mitty Moww? O tay."
(Watch Mickey Mouse? Okay.--she doesn't even wait for us to say yes.)

She Amazes Me, Vol. 2

Avonlea was pointing to the empty spaces and identifying which animals used to be in those spaces. It wasn't just "whale", either. She knew where the squid went--not sure I could have even identifies that! I couldn't believe she could do that!

She is also good at doing big floor puzzles. We have a Frozen one she got for her birthday and she can put all the characters' pieces in the right places.

She Amazes Me, Vol. 1

I want to keep track of some of the things Avonlea says and does that surprise me. She is always making me laugh or think or just blowing me away with what she knows. I can do more of this now that I have set up to be able to post things from my phone.

Here is an example: I love how she is putting the stickers in appropriate places. She uses pincer grasp to pick the stickers off and reposition them where she wants them to go. She is identifying all the different animals and knows that these animals go in the rainforest.

New Changing Table

Changing Aria on Daddy's work desk...gotta do what you've gotta do!

Picture Testing

Came home to this sight. Be still my heart.

What I Want for Mother's Day

Avonlea and I go to Mommy and Me class every week at the local adult education center. We have talked about all sorts of things--family traditions, potty training, teaching your kids about sex and death, tooth care, burn care--everything that parents could want to know. The teachers are great, and they are very caring towards the kids and the parents.

But today's topic really hit hard for me. It was about Mother's Day. About what you remember about your mom, and what you hope your kids remember about you as a mother. Needless to say, it was a hard class for me. I cried pretty much the entire "share" time.

This will be my 4th Mother's Day without Mom, and they don't really get easier, especially now that I have my own girls. I wish that they had their Nana to celebrate. After all, she was a major part of how I turned out the way that I did. I will just do my best to convey to Avonlea and Aria about what an amazing lady she was, and how cancer really sucks for taking her away from us so early.

We went around the circle and people shared one of their favorite memories of their Moms. It was *really* hard listening to several of the moms talk about their moms being there for the births of their kids. I ended up being last--and as everyone was sharing, I was really struggling to narrow it down to *one* thing to share.

A few that came to mind:

• My sister got a karaoke machine (for a birthday? I'm not sure) and true to Hume fashion, we had an "oldies karaoke" CD with a bunch of Diana Ross/Supremes. We sat around the dining room table, and sang "Baby Love". My mom wasn't a singer (she could carry a tune, but she would NEVER have gotten up in front of anyone to sing), so this was a fun memory because it was such an unusual thing to happen.
• When I was in middle school, Mom and I would sit down for an hour or so after school (or sometimes in the evenings) and have Dr. Mario battles on the original Nintendo. She was SO GOOD at it! We used to do "battle mode", and we would start on the 2nd hardest level. I swear she was practicing at night after I went to bed.
• We loved watching sports together--especially football, college and pro. We went to an Ohio State game together, and also several Bengals games. She would always squeal and jump up and down on the couch. She had the OSU vs Miami Nat'l Championship game on DVD and would often re-watch it while working on mailings.

(Yes, we went to a Bengals game at the Colts stadium. Thankfully, Indy fans are polite)

• She was an incredible Realtor, and one summer, I was her "assistant". I use quotations, because I really wasn't that much help. But I remember getting to spend every day with her, and going out to lunch at the Jewish deli across the street from her office. In fact, there are many memories of going to appointments with her, or going to spend the afternoon in her office when she had "phone duty" back when she worked at The Realty Group.
• Every year at the start of the school year, Mom and I would sit down together and set goals for the school year together. She would set her business goals, I would set my school/athletic goals for the year. I found it a little annoying, I'll admit. But now I love looking back on that time that we spent together, looking forward together.
• I loved when I found my wedding dress, and getting to walk out of the fitting room and see Mom's face. When she was first diagnosed with cancer, she hoped to see me graduate, so to have her still around so many years later, and getting to watch both her girls get married was amazing. She and I both looked at the dress in the mirror, and said, "This is the one!"
• My final memory of Mom is holding her hand when she passed away. Being with her in her last few days on Earth was immensely difficult, but also precious.

But I guess as I think over the different memories, one thing stands out the most: Mom was *there*. She was at every game (and as a 4-sport athlete, there were a LOT), even through college when I was playing in Pennsylvania or Indiana or Michigan. She was at every concert, every church performance. She had a wonderfully successful real estate business that kept her away more than she would like, but I really don't remember that. I remember always looking in the stands and seeing her. Her continual presence was such a comfort to me.

And what I really wanted to say to the Mommy and Me class is that what I want my girls to remember about me as a Mom is what I remember most about my Mom. I want Avonlea and Aria to remember me being there. Being a part of their lives. Caring about what they are doing, supporting their efforts, encouraging them and challenging them to set goals. I want them to be able to look out into the stands, or across the auditorium, or even in the car pool line and see me there. Have them know, with confidence, that I will be there for them.

You Are Two

Dear Avonlea,

It's official: you are TWO years old. We celebrated on your actual birthday, which was on a Saturday this year, with a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse party and your best friends.

I am amazed that you are two. It seemed like your first year was so long, and this year, time just flew by. I think it was faster because I was pregnant through a lot of it, but also because you are so much busier now!

You have grown by leaps and bounds this year. I look at pictures of you from April of last year, and look at you today, and it's just amazing to think of how much has changed. At this time last year, you were just barely walking. In fact, you took your first steps about 6 days after your first birthday, so you weren't really even walking at this time. In the picture on the left, we were at a farm a few days after your birthday, and I had to hold your hands to help you walk anywhere.

And NOW...well, now you are a champion walker and runner and climber!  You frequently amaze me with all you are able to accomplish, and all the places you are able to get to.

You are so smart. You can count objects, you know your colors, you know all the Disney characters and all the superheroes. You are able to do puzzles of a higher difficulty--ones without "helps". You got this one for your birthday (http://www.amazon.com/Frozen-28871-Floor-Puzzles-46-Piece/dp/B00J9S2SH2), and you were able to put the characters' pieces together, which just amazed Mommy (and Aunt Sunni!).

You're definitely starting to test limits. We are working on teaching you what obedience is--how it pleases God, and how it helps Mommy and Daddy keep you safe. It's going to be a long battle to learn! You are independent and bold and STUBBORN, so this is a hard lesson to learn.

You are super independent--you can play on your own for long periods of time. You're starting to do imaginative play more and more--you like your Little People sets, and you'll often have them act things out together. You have a Little People Little Mermaid set, and you have them recreate scenes from the movie. You LOVE water. You could stay in the bath all night. I bought a hard-sided baby pool for you to play in when it is warm out--you could stay in it for HOURS.  The first day we had the pool, you stayed in it so long that the water got cold and your lips turned purple! We had to come inside and change your clothes and wrap you up in a bunch of blankets to try to get you warmed up!

Because you are so independent, we do have some trouble with you not being concerned about where Mommy and Daddy are--you'll often wander off in the park, or in a store (where they don't have kid-containers, I mean CARTS), and not have any care about where we are. You also have trouble with obedience, so when you wander off, or climb to the top of a play structure and Mommy asks you to come back or get down, you choose not to listen. We're having to implement more and more consequences!  Mommy is doing research on how to manage negative consequences with positive consequences...being a Mommy is hard work sometimes!

You have some great friends--Wyatt is the one we play with the most. You love to boss him around, poor kid! We are working on being kind. Bossy is okay, as long as you are being kind!

You have some trouble when friends your age come over to our house--you haven't figured out how to share your toys with your friends with grace. You love older kids--you are constantly watching them when we are in the park, and you're always trying to do what they do. You love hanging out with Lily Neal (who is 12).

A lot of people have asked how you are doing with a new sister in the house. The truth is, you are doing a lot better than I thought you were going to do. When I was pregnant and I would hold a baby, you did NOT like it. You whined and cried and pulled on my pants leg. Another mom friend said I was in for some trouble because of how you behaved. But since Aria's arrival, you have done really well. We have had some moments here and there (including once in the hospital and our first day home), but for the most part, you have done really well having a little one invade our home and take half of Mommy and Daddy's attention. We are working hard to make sure you still feel loved and secure, and you have done a good job being a helper for Mommy. You like to get the baby's diapers, and you like to give her hugs. You have wanted to hold her once or twice, but for the most part, you leave her alone--Miss Independent at it again.

LOVES:

* music

* Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

* watching movies

* bubbles

* balloons

* going to the zoo

* playing on the playground

* puzzles

* painting with a brush

* Nemo

* climbing up on things

* pointing out things in the car, or when we're out and about

* water

* stickers

* opening packages and presents

* running

* playing with whatever someone else is playing with

* grapes, hot dogs, guacamole, rice, pasta, corn on the cob, "cake" (aka muffins), milk, food pouches, M&Ms

* mimicking words and phrases (which means we have to be careful now!)

* doing whatever you like whenever you like

* swallowing your toothpaste instead of brushing your teeth with it

* Aunt Sunni's house

* Aunt Attey and Uncle Bubby (ESPECIALLY Uncle Bubby)

* hiking

* cracking eggs

* wearing bows

DISLIKES:

* having your hands dirty/sticky/sandy, etc.

* fingerpainting (see above)

* going to bed

* loud noises

* bubble wrap

* brushing your teeth

* going down the slide and getting static-y

* eating things with weird texture, or a texture you aren't expecting

* wearing any shoes other than your Elsa shoes (thankfully they are gym shoes)

* being told what to do

* wearing headbands *sniff*

* riding in the seat in a shopping cart

* getting out of the bath

We have been singing this song a lot lately--I love looking at you in the rear-view mirror when we sing it together in the car. You get this grin on your face, and it makes me grin, too. You are the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world to me. 

Love you bunches,

Mommy

She's Here!

Presenting...

Aria Houser Walton

Born 2-3-15, 8:08am

8lbs, 3oz. 19 3/4" long

Pictures from her first day...

This Week's Picture

This Week's Picture

Weekly Pictures