Things have been going really well. Avonlea has been sleeping well, eating well, and fussing less. I got her new toy out a couple of days ago, and she has been fascinated with it, laying under it for 20 minutes or more without skipping a beat.
Until today.
She usually sleeps about 5-6 hours during the day. Today, she slept less than one.
She is currently in her bed, fed, washed, changed, and crying because I couldn't handle her yelling in my ear anymore.
She cried if I put her down. She cried if I picked her up. She cried while she was eating. She cried if she wasn't eating. She cried during her bath. She cried when I was changing her. She cried if I put her under her toy. She cried if I swaddled her.
I am exhausted. When Nick got home, I asked him to take her so that I could go and get something for us to eat, since I couldn't get anything done today.
I have learned that babies sleep well at night when they sleep well during the day. I'm so screwed tonight.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Lovey-Dovey Feelings
Miss Avonlea and I have been learning about each other.
And I am falling in love more and more every day. I seriously can't stop staring at her. I love watching her falling asleep. I love watching her smile in her sleep. I love watching her twitches when she hears a loud noise. I love when her eyes go super wide when the lights go off at night. I love when she realizes I am watching her and I see the recognition in her eyes--and the last week, watching her burst into a huge smile.
God has really been faithful to me, and taking our rough start and helping me to get over it.
I'm also learning about her cues. She has been really fussy in the evenings--I'm learning that it is a cue for her being sleepy and needing another nap! The last couple of days, she's gotten up around 7:30 or 8am, she'll take a 3-hr nap at 10:30, and another 3-hr nap about 6. Then she'll go to sleep at 9:30 or 10.
Right now, she's such a good sleeper. I know I need to appreciate it while I can, because it might not last. Of course, she could prove to be just like me and be a great sleeper.
She's firmly in the "5 S's" camp. The theory is that babies have a 4th Trimester outside of the womb, and they are happiest when you simulate the 5 S's that they are able to experience in the womb: swaddling, side/stomach position, shushing (loud white noise), swinging (rhythmic jiggly motion), and sucking.
The only S I don't do frequently is sucking--I do not want her using a pacifier because she has nipple confusion. She has found her hands a few times and I'll catch her sucking on those, though.
But, when she's fussy, I wrap her up nice and tight, hold her close to me on her side, shush in her ear, and sway back and forth or bounce-walk around. Shuts her right up--and usually makes her fall asleep. :)
Tomorrow I'm hoping to take Avonlea to a Babywearing Clinic at a local park. I have a Moby wrap and an Ergo carrier, and she really hates both. I'd like to do more babywearing while we're out and about, but she fusses so badly that it doesn't seem worth it. I'm wondering if a different carrier would be better.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Letter to Baby
Dear Avonlea,
Whew. I just got you to sleep after a marathon 2 hours in which you didn't really stop whining/crying at all. I did all the tricks that usually work--changed you, swaddled you, rocked you, shushed you, walked around the house with you--but nothing seemed to settle you. Finally, I wrapped you up tight, put you in the swing, put on the white noise maker, and went outside to get the mail--I just needed to get away from your screaming for a minute. When I came back, you were asleep.
This scene is so descriptive of our first month together. You have not been easy! I think I went into your birth with too rosy a picture of what it was going to be like. I don't think any mom thinks that they will have a fussy baby, and I was certainly one of those moms that thought they would bring home a perfectly happy, content newborn.
But you weren't happy and content. You fussed and cried a lot. Feeding didn't go smoothly. You got frustrated and angry and you cried a lot.
It is getting better--I'm learning what makes you happy as we spend more time together. Feeding you has gotten 1000x better--in fact, yesterday I fed you for the first time away from home! But there are some times, like this morning, where we just can't seem to get it together.
I know things will get better. The first few months are always the hardest. Things have already gotten better.
I want to let you know that I love you. Even when you're howling at me like a feral cat, I smile and love you anyway. I know these days will pass. There are many moments during the day that we share that are happy. You love to get your diaper changed--it seems like the changing table is the only place where you never cry. I kiss your sweet belly and your rosy cheeks, and sometimes you smile at me. We have tummy time on the floor together, and though you tire of it quickly, you work so hard to put your head up, and it makes me proud. You lay down on my propped up legs and we stare at each other--sometimes I'll tell you funny stories about the dogs, or about Daddy, or about me growing up, and you'll stare at me, trying to figure out what I'm saying.
When you cry, I try to remember the times where you're happy. Because I know this time will be over quickly, and I need to cherish it while it's here.
I love you,
Your Tired Mama
Whew. I just got you to sleep after a marathon 2 hours in which you didn't really stop whining/crying at all. I did all the tricks that usually work--changed you, swaddled you, rocked you, shushed you, walked around the house with you--but nothing seemed to settle you. Finally, I wrapped you up tight, put you in the swing, put on the white noise maker, and went outside to get the mail--I just needed to get away from your screaming for a minute. When I came back, you were asleep.
This scene is so descriptive of our first month together. You have not been easy! I think I went into your birth with too rosy a picture of what it was going to be like. I don't think any mom thinks that they will have a fussy baby, and I was certainly one of those moms that thought they would bring home a perfectly happy, content newborn.
But you weren't happy and content. You fussed and cried a lot. Feeding didn't go smoothly. You got frustrated and angry and you cried a lot.
It is getting better--I'm learning what makes you happy as we spend more time together. Feeding you has gotten 1000x better--in fact, yesterday I fed you for the first time away from home! But there are some times, like this morning, where we just can't seem to get it together.
I know things will get better. The first few months are always the hardest. Things have already gotten better.
I want to let you know that I love you. Even when you're howling at me like a feral cat, I smile and love you anyway. I know these days will pass. There are many moments during the day that we share that are happy. You love to get your diaper changed--it seems like the changing table is the only place where you never cry. I kiss your sweet belly and your rosy cheeks, and sometimes you smile at me. We have tummy time on the floor together, and though you tire of it quickly, you work so hard to put your head up, and it makes me proud. You lay down on my propped up legs and we stare at each other--sometimes I'll tell you funny stories about the dogs, or about Daddy, or about me growing up, and you'll stare at me, trying to figure out what I'm saying.
When you cry, I try to remember the times where you're happy. Because I know this time will be over quickly, and I need to cherish it while it's here.
I love you,
Your Tired Mama
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
1 Month Checkup
We went for our 1-month checkup today, and can I just take a step back and say, holy cow she's one month old already? I really do feel like I just got her--it definitely does not seem like a month.
Here's her stats:
She weighs 9lbs, 5oz, and is in the 50th percentile.
She is 21 1/2" long, and is in the 75th percentile.
Her head is 15" in diameter, in the 90th percentile.
Because we had to go to the doctor last week for her eye infection (which the medicine has cleared up nicely), she was weighed last week--and hasn't gained any weight since then (she actually went down an ounce and a half). The doctor is concerned as to why she hasn't gained any weight, so he wants to see us back in 2 weeks to make sure she is gaining weight. He wants to see at least a 10oz weight gain by next time.
Of course, this makes me worry about feeding. I am feeding her every 2 hours during the day (unless she takes one of her marathon naps), and every 4 hours at night. She seems to eat like a champ, but maybe she isn't, since she didn't gain any weight? The doctor said to watch her to make sure she is swallowing. I'm hoping that feeding her with the nipple shield isn't causing any trouble. She has a really hard time eating without it.
I don't need anything else to worry about!!
Here's her stats:
She weighs 9lbs, 5oz, and is in the 50th percentile.
She is 21 1/2" long, and is in the 75th percentile.
Her head is 15" in diameter, in the 90th percentile.
Because we had to go to the doctor last week for her eye infection (which the medicine has cleared up nicely), she was weighed last week--and hasn't gained any weight since then (she actually went down an ounce and a half). The doctor is concerned as to why she hasn't gained any weight, so he wants to see us back in 2 weeks to make sure she is gaining weight. He wants to see at least a 10oz weight gain by next time.
Of course, this makes me worry about feeding. I am feeding her every 2 hours during the day (unless she takes one of her marathon naps), and every 4 hours at night. She seems to eat like a champ, but maybe she isn't, since she didn't gain any weight? The doctor said to watch her to make sure she is swallowing. I'm hoping that feeding her with the nipple shield isn't causing any trouble. She has a really hard time eating without it.
I don't need anything else to worry about!!
Monday, May 6, 2013
The Day I Took My Sanity Back
There have been so many things I have wanted to write about over the last 3 weeks, but just a lack of time has prevented it. I'm sad, because I have forgotten many things, and I wanted to have that record of how I was feeling.
I have had it suggested to me that I might have some postpartum depression. I can see how that might be the case. But I really don't feel like I'm spiraling. I'm getting out of bed every day without any problems. I want to take care of Avonlea. I want to take care of my house, and Nick.
This was not the case when we first came home with Avonlea.
The first 2 days we were at home (Friday, Saturday and Sunday), I was spiraling. I felt myself falling into this pit, and not seeing any way out of it. I was crying constantly. I was in pain (a little from the surgery, but mostly from breastfeeding), and the pain was directly a result of my daughter's latching problems--which, in turn, made me hate her. Have you ever experienced what it is like to hate your daughter?
At that point, I decided to stop breastfeeding. Avonlea was extremely frustrated with each feeding--she was breathing fast and crying and getting angrier and more frustrated at each feeding, and I was bleeding and in pain throughout the entire feeding. And, she would cry constantly between feedings, too.
I kept pumping, but Sunday afternoon I decided that I had to stop, for at least a day. I needed to let my nipples heal, and I needed to take a step away so that I didn't continue these feelings of resentment towards Avonlea. I was crying non-stop throughout the feedings at that point.
I felt like a failure. I mean, I couldn't even breastfeed for 3 days! But on Monday, I talked to a lot of momma friends. And they assured me that no matter what happened with breastfeeding, I was still a good mom. I was the best mom for Avonlea. And she was healthy and was going to be fine, whether I breastfed, or fed breastmilk from a bottle, or had to go back to formula.
Monday was hard. But it was also good. Because by the end of the day, I gave myself permission to not breastfeed. I gave myself permission to do what was best for my mental sanity. And though it hurt my heart, and was yet ANOTHER thing that didn't go the way I planned, I felt myself leaving the downward spiral. I was okay. She would be okay.
She did well on the bottle, and I felt my sanity slowly returning. I was able to look at things rationally again, and though I was still tired and emotional, I was able to be that way without feeling like I was drowning.
But I didn't want to give up on breastfeeding. I made an appointment with a lactation consultant separate from the hospital. I tried to contact the lady from the hospital several times, but couldn't get in touch with her. So, I got some recommendations from friends in the area. I made the appointment on Thursday, and so I decided to continue to bottle-feed until the appointment.
Bottle feeding was easy in some ways, and difficult in others. Nick could feed her--definite ease. I knew she was getting nutrition--definite ease. One difficulty, though, was just the timing. While Avonlea was awake, I pumped while she ate--definitely glad this was happening while Nick was home for the week! But overnight, she would eat at 3-hour intervals, and I was needing to pump every 2 hours. Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep.
Thursday came, and I was extremely nervous. Would going back to breastfeeding make me a crazy person again? The appointment went well. Mina noted that it was a combination of the time on the bottle in the NICU, plus my overproduction (making it difficult for Avonlea to latch), plus Avonlea's narrow latch that was making things so difficult. She recommended using the nipple shield while breastfeeding, at least for a little while. Working on Avonlea's lip positioning during feeding would help protect myself. She also suggested breastfeeding during the day and pumping at night for a little bit, so that I could continue to heal.
I left the appointment feeling good, but when we got home, the familiar sinking feeling started to creep over me--it stems from wondering if what I am doing is right, and the logistics of timing and other things breastfeeding-related.
I eventually realized I just need to relax in it. I didn't read any books--that was one of the first good pieces of advice I got--I realized the books I was reading were helping to make me feel inadequate, so I stopped reading them. I just needed to trust my body and what Avonlea was telling me.
I did the breastfeeding during the day and pumping at night for 2 nights--but quickly went to breastfeeding exclusively after realizing how much more sleep I would get. As I posted before, I cherish my sleep.
The feelings of drowning stopped on Friday. I just started trusting myself. I was having some fever (which was production-related), so I wasn't feeling 100%, but at least I felt like my brain wasn't mushy.
It's been over a week now, and it is going well. My production is evening out--Avonlea has gone 5 hours at night between feedings, and I don't feel like I'm going to die quite so much anymore. But, I think I'm going to start waking her up at the 4-hour mark anyway, so that she sleeps better, and so that I sleep better, too.
She eats every 2 hours during the day (when she stays awake), or every 3-4 hours if she takes a nap. At her appointment last week, she was up to 9lbs 6.5oz, so I know she's getting plenty of nutrition. Now, I'm just thinking about her face--she gets horrible acne after feedings--and her tummy--she seems to be really uncomfortable, and is often squirmy during feedings. She's been spitting up a little bit, and is in a general state of fussiness all the time.
I'm not eating dairy right now, and I've been working on other things to make her tummy happy. She burps really well, but she's still fussy a lot, especially in the morning (before 10) and in the evening (from 6-9ish).
But she's been a champion sleeper--last night was the best yet, with her sleeping from 10 to 9, getting up three times to eat.
I have had it suggested to me that I might have some postpartum depression. I can see how that might be the case. But I really don't feel like I'm spiraling. I'm getting out of bed every day without any problems. I want to take care of Avonlea. I want to take care of my house, and Nick.
This was not the case when we first came home with Avonlea.
The first 2 days we were at home (Friday, Saturday and Sunday), I was spiraling. I felt myself falling into this pit, and not seeing any way out of it. I was crying constantly. I was in pain (a little from the surgery, but mostly from breastfeeding), and the pain was directly a result of my daughter's latching problems--which, in turn, made me hate her. Have you ever experienced what it is like to hate your daughter?
At that point, I decided to stop breastfeeding. Avonlea was extremely frustrated with each feeding--she was breathing fast and crying and getting angrier and more frustrated at each feeding, and I was bleeding and in pain throughout the entire feeding. And, she would cry constantly between feedings, too.
I kept pumping, but Sunday afternoon I decided that I had to stop, for at least a day. I needed to let my nipples heal, and I needed to take a step away so that I didn't continue these feelings of resentment towards Avonlea. I was crying non-stop throughout the feedings at that point.
I felt like a failure. I mean, I couldn't even breastfeed for 3 days! But on Monday, I talked to a lot of momma friends. And they assured me that no matter what happened with breastfeeding, I was still a good mom. I was the best mom for Avonlea. And she was healthy and was going to be fine, whether I breastfed, or fed breastmilk from a bottle, or had to go back to formula.
Monday was hard. But it was also good. Because by the end of the day, I gave myself permission to not breastfeed. I gave myself permission to do what was best for my mental sanity. And though it hurt my heart, and was yet ANOTHER thing that didn't go the way I planned, I felt myself leaving the downward spiral. I was okay. She would be okay.
She did well on the bottle, and I felt my sanity slowly returning. I was able to look at things rationally again, and though I was still tired and emotional, I was able to be that way without feeling like I was drowning.
But I didn't want to give up on breastfeeding. I made an appointment with a lactation consultant separate from the hospital. I tried to contact the lady from the hospital several times, but couldn't get in touch with her. So, I got some recommendations from friends in the area. I made the appointment on Thursday, and so I decided to continue to bottle-feed until the appointment.
Bottle feeding was easy in some ways, and difficult in others. Nick could feed her--definite ease. I knew she was getting nutrition--definite ease. One difficulty, though, was just the timing. While Avonlea was awake, I pumped while she ate--definitely glad this was happening while Nick was home for the week! But overnight, she would eat at 3-hour intervals, and I was needing to pump every 2 hours. Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep.
Thursday came, and I was extremely nervous. Would going back to breastfeeding make me a crazy person again? The appointment went well. Mina noted that it was a combination of the time on the bottle in the NICU, plus my overproduction (making it difficult for Avonlea to latch), plus Avonlea's narrow latch that was making things so difficult. She recommended using the nipple shield while breastfeeding, at least for a little while. Working on Avonlea's lip positioning during feeding would help protect myself. She also suggested breastfeeding during the day and pumping at night for a little bit, so that I could continue to heal.
I left the appointment feeling good, but when we got home, the familiar sinking feeling started to creep over me--it stems from wondering if what I am doing is right, and the logistics of timing and other things breastfeeding-related.
I eventually realized I just need to relax in it. I didn't read any books--that was one of the first good pieces of advice I got--I realized the books I was reading were helping to make me feel inadequate, so I stopped reading them. I just needed to trust my body and what Avonlea was telling me.
I did the breastfeeding during the day and pumping at night for 2 nights--but quickly went to breastfeeding exclusively after realizing how much more sleep I would get. As I posted before, I cherish my sleep.
The feelings of drowning stopped on Friday. I just started trusting myself. I was having some fever (which was production-related), so I wasn't feeling 100%, but at least I felt like my brain wasn't mushy.
It's been over a week now, and it is going well. My production is evening out--Avonlea has gone 5 hours at night between feedings, and I don't feel like I'm going to die quite so much anymore. But, I think I'm going to start waking her up at the 4-hour mark anyway, so that she sleeps better, and so that I sleep better, too.
She eats every 2 hours during the day (when she stays awake), or every 3-4 hours if she takes a nap. At her appointment last week, she was up to 9lbs 6.5oz, so I know she's getting plenty of nutrition. Now, I'm just thinking about her face--she gets horrible acne after feedings--and her tummy--she seems to be really uncomfortable, and is often squirmy during feedings. She's been spitting up a little bit, and is in a general state of fussiness all the time.
I'm not eating dairy right now, and I've been working on other things to make her tummy happy. She burps really well, but she's still fussy a lot, especially in the morning (before 10) and in the evening (from 6-9ish).
But she's been a champion sleeper--last night was the best yet, with her sleeping from 10 to 9, getting up three times to eat.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Figuring Out Our New Normal
Finally getting my head above water enough to write something.
My doctor was not concerned with my fever...at least, not yet. He believes it is related to my overproduction of milk. As for my other symptoms, I believe they are from lack of nutrition. I'm taking my vitamins every day, and I can tell when I don't take them. I'm 9lbs away from my pre-baby weight. Nick is keeping an eye on me.
Life has been....going. That's really all I can ask for, right? I am managing to get a shower every other day. Avonlea is sleeping 3-4 hour stretches at night. Today marks one solid week of breastfeeding (tomorrow will be one week of exclusively breastfeeding), and it is finally getting better. My supply is evening out, and I am able to go 4 hours without feeling like exploding. I'm using a nipple shield exclusively--hopefully I'll be able to wean off of using it soon.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be a mom.
Sometimes I look at this little person and wonder if she's really mine. I mean, she doesn't look like me at all. She's the spitting image of Nick.
I wonder about those women that see their babies for the first time and have this instant connection to them, and have this overwhelming feeling of love. I didn't have that. I mean, I think I could have--the first night, sitting up with her and loving on her and getting to know her--I could see where that feeling comes from. But after spending a week away from her, and having the feeling that she's not my child anymore, it created this disconnect. I'm hoping that the feeling will come with time. Just right now, loving Avonlea is a choice, not a feeling.
I hope that doesn't make me sound like an unfeeling mom. I really do love my daughter (and the fact that she's not hurting me every 3 hours when she eats is a big bonus). I just don't have these googly feelings whenever I think about her.
Mostly, I'm just tired. And she's not easy. She's pretty fussy a lot of the time. It's hard to love a baby that cries in your face so much. I'm working on figuring out the best way to soothe her, but it's a process. Maybe the lovey-dovey feelings would come easier if she were an easier baby.
I do have moments, though. Yesterday I was able to do some baby massage for about 15 minutes without her crying. She was looking up at me with these big eyes, like she was figuring out who I am.
And maybe that's part of it--she's trying to figure me out, just as I'm trying to figure her out.
My doctor was not concerned with my fever...at least, not yet. He believes it is related to my overproduction of milk. As for my other symptoms, I believe they are from lack of nutrition. I'm taking my vitamins every day, and I can tell when I don't take them. I'm 9lbs away from my pre-baby weight. Nick is keeping an eye on me.
Life has been....going. That's really all I can ask for, right? I am managing to get a shower every other day. Avonlea is sleeping 3-4 hour stretches at night. Today marks one solid week of breastfeeding (tomorrow will be one week of exclusively breastfeeding), and it is finally getting better. My supply is evening out, and I am able to go 4 hours without feeling like exploding. I'm using a nipple shield exclusively--hopefully I'll be able to wean off of using it soon.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be a mom.
Sometimes I look at this little person and wonder if she's really mine. I mean, she doesn't look like me at all. She's the spitting image of Nick.
I wonder about those women that see their babies for the first time and have this instant connection to them, and have this overwhelming feeling of love. I didn't have that. I mean, I think I could have--the first night, sitting up with her and loving on her and getting to know her--I could see where that feeling comes from. But after spending a week away from her, and having the feeling that she's not my child anymore, it created this disconnect. I'm hoping that the feeling will come with time. Just right now, loving Avonlea is a choice, not a feeling.
I hope that doesn't make me sound like an unfeeling mom. I really do love my daughter (and the fact that she's not hurting me every 3 hours when she eats is a big bonus). I just don't have these googly feelings whenever I think about her.
Mostly, I'm just tired. And she's not easy. She's pretty fussy a lot of the time. It's hard to love a baby that cries in your face so much. I'm working on figuring out the best way to soothe her, but it's a process. Maybe the lovey-dovey feelings would come easier if she were an easier baby.
I do have moments, though. Yesterday I was able to do some baby massage for about 15 minutes without her crying. She was looking up at me with these big eyes, like she was figuring out who I am.
And maybe that's part of it--she's trying to figure me out, just as I'm trying to figure her out.
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