In Which I Make Myself Ill

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Like, at all. I went to bed around 11:30. Was up at 1:30, 3, 3:30...

I had a terrible headache and neck ache, and my mind was RACING. I was hot, but if I took my covers off, I was cold.  I also could not stop clearing my throat. It felt itchy and scratchy--just how it feels when I am about to get strep throat. I could not get comfortable. I was also hungry.

I finally just got out of bed at 3:30. I went and had a fruit strip and a big glass of water, and took a couple of Tylenol to help my head/neck ache. Really, I was just miserable.

I went and laid back down in my bed, but my neck was hurting so much that I just decided to take my chances out on the couch. I propped up 3 big pillows and put a blanket under my belly. It definitely helped my head to be sitting upright, but it didn't keep my mind from racing.

My mind was racing for two reasons:

1. Last night, we went to our 3rd childbirth class. This class was all about managing contractions and pushing.
2. I also went for a checkup yesterday, and the doctor said he was putting an exclamation mark next to my baby's size, because "she's really big--in fact, if you were to deliver today, she'd probably be at least 7 pounds. And when you consider that you still have 5 weeks left, and your baby grows a half pound a week..."  His voice implicated the ellipses, too. Kind of like he was saying, "Do the math, sweetheart. You're having a 9-pounder."

I want to have a natural, unmedicated birth. Honestly, while it makes me a bit nervous, it doesn't scare me. Perhaps that's the first-time-mom ignorance speaking, but I'm really not scared of it. I have always taken on physical (and mental) challenges to push my body to the limit. It's why I do half marathons and why I did a full marathon only 2 months after mom's death. I've also experienced extreme pain before (Have you ever experienced a blocked colon...two different times? I don't recommend it.). I don't doubt that I can concentrate my energy and push my body to do what it is meant to do. I actually welcome the challenge.

But after this class (and the doctor's notes), my biggest fear has emerged--and conspired to make me feel ill. What if I go through 18 hours of labor (what my mom had with me) and then I STILL have to have a C-Section? Campbells (my mom's side) have big babies. I was 8lbs6 and a C-Section baby. I REALLY want to do this the natural way, but I'm worried that my own genetic makeup (and my baby's size) are going to conspire against me. Or that I'm going to get talked into having a C-Section when my body might be able to handle it (I'm heading into conspiracy theory territory with that).

Now that I'm awake, and not in the middle of a sleep-deprived, headache-filled haze, I realize that it was a little ridiculous for this to keep me up all night. But it's where my head is right now.