The Worst Thing To Tell A New Mom

You know what my #1, all-time, most hated phrase is?

"Just wait."

Not "Just wait--I understand, I've been there, and I know it will get better".  When used in that way, "just wait" is a comforting and kind phrase. It brings peace and hope.

The "just wait" phrase I am referring to is used most often. It's the one that says, "You think you have it bad now? Just wait. It is going to get much worse."

"Just wait until they start walking."
"Just wait until she starts to talk."
"Just wait until they're teenagers."

I started hearing this phrase a lot when I would mention something about my dogs--waaay before we had Avonlea. The dogs would do something ridiculous, like start whining at 5am to go outside, and I would mention it to someone, and they would say, "Just wait until you have kids."

Or, it could've been a situation where I was late getting to something on time, and I had way too many things to do, and not enough time in the day, and I would mention it, and someone would say, "Just wait until you have kids."

When I was pregnant and having trouble sleeping towards the end of my pregnancy, I started to hear it a lot: "Just wait until you have the baby--you won't get any sleep at all!"

A note to everyone out there who has used this phrase: It is completely unhelpful.  I mean, when has that type of statement EVER helped someone?

Your baby is crying through the night and you haven't had sleep for days? Just wait until (insert later phrase here).
I compare it to these phrases:
Your 6-year old just broke his arm? Just wait for the summer when he can't swim.
You just lost your job and don't have money to pay your bills? Just wait until tax day.
You found out your friend has cancer and has to have surgery? Just wait until chemo and your hair starts falling out.

Essentially, you are telling the person to brace themselves, it's going to get a lot worse.  You're telling them that no matter how bad/difficult you think the situation is right now, it's not going to get any better, because there's something down the road that is just as hard, or harder.

And you know what? As true as it might be, that's not what a new mom wants to hear.

As a new mom, I am in the here-and-now, and the here-and-now is HARD. Sometimes it feels like there's no way out of the struggle. And you, well-meaning person, though you are out of that place, and you bring perspective with you, by saying "just wait", you are telling me that my struggles are unjustified. That my struggles aren't worth mentioning because I haven't experienced the really hard stuff yet.

There is nothing more discouraging than having someone dismiss your feelings. It invalidates you.

When a new mom calls you (or posts on Facebook, or mentions it to you at church--wherever, really), and tells you what a hard time she's having because her baby won't eat and won't sleep and cries all the time and she's worn down to the bone, swallow the "just wait" that threatens to escape your lips.  Instead, tell her that you understand how she's feeling. Tell her that you have been there before, and that it does get better. Tell her that you are coming over with dinner, or that you're coming over to do laundry (don't just say you would like to--tell her when you're coming over so that she can't refuse). Tell her she's a great mom. She's the perfect mom for her baby. Give her HOPE.

The situation that you want to compare hers to can wait. Spread peace and hope instead.

(If you want to know another phrase you should eliminate from your vocabulary, check out "Don't Carpe Diem". OR, this version written by a Dad.)