Too busy to make babies...

With school going on, and (sometimes) photography, I haven't even had a chance to *think* about making babies.

Maybe this means something subconsciously?

I know it means that at night, I'm not even conscious enough to think about makin' whoopee.  :)  Poor Nick.

Another one...

Nick's brother and his wife are having a baby.....

I will not cry.  I will not cry.  I will not cry.

A Note on Infertility

I follow a scrapbooking blog.  Recently, the author posted about her infertility.  I don't know if I'm infertile or not--we haven't done the doctor thing enough to determine that--but a lot of what she said was really powerful.  I'll just paste the things below that resonated with me:

"A few more thoughts:

• As strange as it sounds, and as much as I've always longed to be a mother, I've known in my heart that the time hasn't been right before now. This is out of my hands, and I've relied on my faith to see me through it. And I'm seeking joy in my life in the meantime. I was recently called to be the Primary President in my church congregation. This means that, every Sunday, I am in charge of the spiritual education of 48 children between the ages of 18 months and 11 years. I am doing what I can to influence and bless the lives of children.
• I'm grateful that I've never been pregnant. In other words, I thank my lucky stars that I haven't had to endure miscarriage after miscarriage. That's a silver lining for sure. As hard as my situation can be sometimes, it could definitely be worse. (I can just hear myself channeling my Grandma Neva: "If you can't have the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you don't want.")
• I have not exhausted all medical possibilities with regard to infertility (no need to go into the gory details). But at a certain point, it stopped feeling like the right path for us. And you have to trust what feels right. No one else but you knows what's right for you. These days, there is literally no limit to the amount of time and money a person could spend trying to become pregnant. No limit. I've learned to let go of the guilt of supposedly "not wanting it badly enough" to keep pushing beyond where I felt comfortable.
• I am not unhappy. I am not unfulfilled. I do not wallow in misery every day of my life. About every three months or so, I throw myself a pity party, and I roll around in my sorrow and disappointment until I'm just plain sick of feeling sorry for myself. I call my mom or a sister or a friend and talk, talk, talk. Then I pick myself up and soldier on.
• I have been able to survive baby showers unscathed, and I welcome the news of family and friend pregnancies with true happiness for them (eventually, if not right away). I've had six nieces and nephews join the family during the time I've been trying to have a baby, and I love them all dearly. The initial news is always hard to hear, but by the time the timer goes off, I'm just as thrilled as anyone could be. Just because it hasn't worked out for me does NOT mean I hope it doesn't work out for others.
• That said, the initial news can be a shock, depending on my mental state. My advice (from my personal experience) is to break pregnancy news to your infertile friends personally, rather than at a big party or gathering or via Facebook. Especially if she's a close friend, let her feel special by entrusting her with your news before it goes public. All you have to say is, "I wanted to tell you first. You have no idea how much I also want this for you, and how happy I'll be when it's your turn to share your news with me." If she cries (which she likely will, either there or later), give her a hug and tell her that you love her. Please don't begrudge the fact that she may not be thrilled for you right away. She'll get there.
• On the flip side, if you're infertile, do your best to "get there" and be happy for others. Try to be thrilled for your pregnant friends, just like you'd want them to be thrilled for you. Pregnancy can be very hard, for some more than others. Allow your pregnant friends to complain a little if they need to. Your friend may be going through something profoundly difficult for her, just like you are. (If the complaining seems excessive, insensitive, or unnecessary, you can gently say, "Believe it or not, I very much look forward to being nauseated for 9 straight months." I think most women would respect that.)
• Please don't feel too sorry for me. For those of you who have kids, remember that just because you cannot imagine living one day of your life without your kids (because you know them and love them beyond words), that does not mean you'd be a quivering heap of misery every day of your life if you had never met them in the first place. You wouldn't quite know what you were missing.
• A huge step in my journey has been the ability (only recently) for me to say and truly believe (at least sometimes), "I can imagine living a happy and fulfilled life, even if I never have children." I can be the best stepmom, aunt, and future step-grandmother on the planet. And Travis and I have a darn good time together, so I can be grateful for that. As a sweet new friend quoted to me just last night, "Come what may, and love it." For me, this means being open to every eventuality, while maintaining hope for the one thing you want most.

To see the original post, click here: http://www.angielucas.com/yeahwrite/2010/08/i-am-infertile.html

My body sucks.

On Day 34, I got my period.

This sucks.

Day 32...and counting

No period yet.  So I took a test today.  Not pregnant, it says.

What the frack?

Late, late....

First of all--
I've had this blog public for a few friends.  Today I made it private to only me.  My reason for that is that if I AM able to get pregnant sometime soon, I don't want my best friends to find out about it online.  Plus, I don't necessarily want to tell people the second I find out, either.  I'd like Nick to know first.  And my mom and dad.  And my sister.  But I'd still like a place to record some of my thoughts and feelings as I go on this journey.  So, privatization it is.

Okay, back to regularly scheduled programming:

The last post was a picture of my brand-new ovulation kit.  I didn't start using it immediately, because I needed to be able to sit down and read it and make sure I used it on the right days.  But I used it one day when I thought would be a good time to use it...then read the instructions, realized I should have started it on Day 9, and it was now Day 17.  Duh.

For the last 2 weeks, I have had heart palpitations.  Skipped beats, probably one every two minutes or so.  It doesn't hurt or anything.  It's just a little weird.  Nick looked it up online, and it's not bad persay.  I mean, you don't want your heart doing that all the time, but it's not like I need to go to the hospital or anything. 

Well, yesterday I had a thought: Maybe my irregular heartbeat could have something to do with maybe being pregnant?  So, I typed a question into my lovely Google search engine, and what do I read?  "Arrhythmias may occur more frequently during pregnancy due to changes in hormones, changes in associated hemodynamic, hormonal and autonomic changes and changes in circulating blood volume, sleep and emotion during pregnancy."

Then I get to thinking: hmm...when am I supposed to start my period?  So I go to my little calendar where I keep track, and...oh!  Today is day 31.  That's interesting.  Day 31 and no sign of period yet.  Hmm...

I usually can tell when it's coming.  I get some minor cramps, I just feel heavy, and my skin breaks out like crazy.  I'm not regular.  I started keeping track a couple of months ago, and I was 28 days, then 30 days, then 28 days again.  So this might just be my body being funny.  But I *did* get a twinge of  hope.  So we'll see.

So it begins...