Diving In

I went to buy an ovulation kit yesterday.  Guess I really am going to resign myself to "trying" in Nick's opinion.  HOT DOG those things are expensive!  I guess they're trying to get me used to paying crazy amounts for things.  After all--babies are expensive, right?  I think I'm going to do some more shopping around, though.  I just think that $25 for a week-long test is a little much.

What does "trying" mean?

Nick and I had a conversation last night about what "trying" really means.  He and I have different definitions. 

To me, if you're not using any protection, and you're having sex, you're trying.

According to him, that means that you're hoping to be surprised.


Because according to him, we haven't really been trying to get pregnant.  We've been hoping to be surprised. 

To him, trying is counting and calendars and math and doctors and ovulation kits.

I think that is something above trying.  IS there a level above trying?  Desperation, maybe?  I guess I'm thinking I need to enter that stage.  I found out yesterday that a couple that started "trying" the month after we did are pregnant.  And my initial reaction was to cry.  I am happy for them.  Really.

I guess I don't want to go to the level above trying because I wanted it to be easy and spontaneous.  But the people who know that we're trying are starting to give me a different look--you know, the "oh you've been trying for 8 months, do you have something wrong?" look.  And it's starting to freak me out.

I talked to a high school friend the other day.  She had a hard time getting pregnant with her first.  She said her ob/gyn said that because she was so athletic, her cycle was probably not a standard length.  So she actually had a shorter window.  That made me feel a little bit better, because I probably fit into that category well.  I mean, I just finished training for a half-marathon, and I play soccer 2x a week and softball once a week.

I think I just need to suck it up and go to the doctor and read up a little more.  Let's face it: I'm not a teenager anymore.  I'm 31, and this is probably not going to be easy.

Funkified

Also like the name Lyla.  Thank you, FNL for that.

I'm in a funk.  I'm fat (up to my highest weight ever), friendless (zero guests at my birthday party still bums me out), and fired.

Seattle's a No Go.

Nick got the nice thanks-but-no-thanks form letter 2 weeks ago.  It took me a little bit to process how I felt about it.  But now I can truly say, I'm really sad. 

Nick is really upset about it, too.  Not quite so much now, as the sting has worn off a bit, but I don't bring it up.  He gets this deep pained look on his face.  Not something that you can really see as an outsider, but I see it in his eyes.  He's looking for other jobs now.  At the base and at some other local places, but none of them get his juices going like the Microsoft one.

I keep praying for him to be able to find something that fulfills him professionally.  He's so smart, and he's the hardest worker I know.  A company anywhere would be honored to have him.

As for me, my job position is tenuous at best.  I won't know until late July if my position will even be in existence next year--and if it is, I don't know if I want it.  This hasn't been the easiest professional year of my life, and I'm not entirely sure what caused that.  Is it that my heart is taking me away from teaching and into something else (read: photography)?  But if I do that, everyone and their mom is starting their own photography businesses right now--can I take the risk in such a saturated market?  Has it been hard because of some school situations, and the uncertainty that I've experienced?

Again, I'm not sure.  More waiting, I guess.

Still weird

I was talking with a friend tonight (hi, Pam!), and she asked, "So, how's the baby making going?"

I've gotta admit: it kind of threw me a little bit.  My first thought was, "Me?  What baby making?  I'm not making babies right now!"

Then I remembered, "Oh, right.  I am trying to make babies right now!"

It's still kind of weird to think about, since I haven't been trying for so long!

Terrible Week

On top of everything else, I got my period.  This time, I cried.

From Heavy to Light

LOVE the name...

Harper