A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

7 Week Blues

Wish I could say I have been enjoying this pregnancy, but I really haven't. It's mainly because I feel like *%&$ all of the time. I know, I know, it will all be worth it. But I hate being on the edge of puking all the time. And losing my taste for all foods. And being constipated. And being tired. And feeling like a crappy wife because I don't have energy to do anything.

I try to stay positive, but I am in a funk. I just feel like I am in a permanent "bummed out" phase. My friends at church have noticed, and are trying to do things to make me feel better, but I just can't seem to get happy.

I'm really hoping this will change. I recognize that I am in a funk, but I can't seem to do anything to get out of it.  I guess when the 7-week email said, "Expect moodiness", this is what it meant.

Entirely About Food

I could eat my weight in fruit. I have had more kiwi this week than I think I have had in the last 5 years.

The thought of red meat makes me nauseous.

I am craving cheese, which is sad, because it makes me break out.

I have found that if I eat consistently all day, then my nausea is lessened.

This is troublesome, because I know you're not supposed to be eating extra calories until your 2nd trimester.

Thankfully, I try to have my "extra food" be fruit.  So thankful for the Sunday trips to the Farmer's Market.

Oh--and not food related, I am moody. Poor Nick.

So Far.... (5 week update)

Someone said that the more side effects you have, the better it is for your baby's growth.  Well, our little poppy seed is obviously hanging in there, because I have felt terrible this week!

*Never thought I would be this tired. Seriously, I could sleep 18 hours a day. A couple of times I have fallen asleep on the couch at 6:30.
*Hungry all the time.
*I think I am peeing 10 times a day.
*Ow, my boobs hurt (yeah, TMI).
*Nauseous all the time. No throwing up yet, but definitely nauseated.

No Mt. Dew for 9 months. I didn't really crave it my first week, but this second week is killer! I just want one taste!

I took another pregancy test this week, just to be sure. It still said pregnant--so weird!

I have been Googling random questions that pop into my head. Questions like, "Can I eat bacon while I am pregnant?" "Is cramping normal while pregnant?" and "What helps nausea?"  I know I need to avoid Googling too much, but sometimes it's handy to get an answer right away.

Because of the nausea and the general feelings of ickiness, I haven't really done much of anything this week. I just can't seem to get up!  And then I do, and I am SO TIRED a couple of hours (or minutes) later. It's kind of ridiculous.  I have had off of work this week, and I have used the afternoons to take 1-3 hour naps. How old am I??

Our first doctor's appointment is August 22nd. I can't wait until that day!  Nick asked if he should go. Umm...yeah!

Oh--and I started taking these horse pills. CRAZY!

So, how did you tell Nick?

I let Nick sleep the morning I found out I was pregnant. I wanted a little bit of time to process it myself, but I also wanted time to implement my plan to tell Nick.

I had this idea for a LONG time--probably over a year.

Nick and I like to go Geocaching. It's basically a "treasure" hunt,where people hide these caches all over the country, and then put the GPS coordinates on a website for people to find. We have done geocaching all over the place, so I thought it would be fun to make a geocache for Nick to find announcing my pregnancy.

I thought about going to the actual website and registering the cache, so that if Nick decided to get out his phone, he would see it, but I didn't want to run the risk of anyone else finding it first (awkward), and I also didn't want it to show up under my name to tip him off. I figured I would tell him I had been to the geocaching site and looked up some locations (which I did).

After work, I went and hid the cache in the park close to our house, and then I went home and waited for Nick to get home.  When he got home, I asked if he would take the dogs to the park with me. Thankfully, he said yes--I don't know what I would've done if he had said no!

When we got to the park, I told him I had looked up some geocaches, and it said there were 3 in the park. I told him were the two were that were actually registered, and told him about the extra one that I had put there.  Then, he proceeds to get out his phone to check.  GRR!  Noo!!!  He was like, "there are only 2 in this park."  I had to try to play dumb without giving away my secret.  Darn iPhone!!

We had the dogs in a part of the park away from the cache that I had planted because there was another dog there. I had to try to sneakily tell Nick to go to the right part of the park.

He kept arguing with me that there wasn't a cache listed in the location that I was saying. Inside, I was like, "I KNOW, you dork!" Finally, he was arguing so hard with me that I had to tell him that I had PUT one there. I said I had a surprise one for him.

I worried that he knew immediately what it was. But thankfully, he told me later that he didn't realize what it was until he opened it up and saw the letter. He thought it was cookies or something. :)

Finding the cache that would change his life!

Right after I stopped the video, he said, "Well, that will be fun."  So overly emotional, that Nick. :)

We are parents!!

The first day of the rest of your life...

I made an appointment for the doctor today (Tuesday, July 31).

Why?  Because this morning, I took a pregnancy test.

And it was positive.

I thought it was broken. My jaw dropped, and I was completely stunned into silence. It has been negative so many times before!

Taking the test in and of itself was a fluke. I happened to notice that I was on Day 34 of my cycle. Yes, I just happened to notice. This is because typically I print out my chart, and the days are bigger, so when I get to a certain point on the page, I know it's about time to start. But this month, I just copied it from the back of the book, and the boxes are a lot smaller--so I wasn't to that point of my page yet.  Crazy, I know.  But for me to get to day 34 is pretty unusual. It's happened once before, but that was when I was traveling, and my period came on day 36.

I had some pregnancy tests from a while ago, so I decided to take one on a whim. After all, I couldn't be pregnant.

But it's a digital test. And there was no denying what it said.

Then I realized, "these tests can produce a false positive if they're old. How old are these tests?"

I checked the box, and they expired January 2012. So, I said to myself that it explained the false positive. I had some other tests, so I opened a new box (these were NOT expired), and took another one.

These were not digital tests. These were the little blue lines. And that little blue "pregnant" line was as blue as the California sky.

To be honest, my first thought wasn't happiness.  My first thought was that I wish I could tell my mom. This was a moment that she dreamed about, and I wish I could have shared it with her. Then I thought, how am I going to tell Nick?  I went into our bedroom, and just stared at him sleeping.

Does he realize that everything about his world is about to change?  What will his reaction be?  I have had an idea for telling him for a while. It took ALL I had not to wake him up.  But I guess part of me is still so sure that it can't be real!  I'm sitting on it for the day so that I can carry out my plans.

The next thoughts I had were about health. What should I be eating? (food) Should I continue running? (I hope so) Will the Mountain Dew and bologna I ate yesterday cause our kid to sprout two heads? (probably) 

And then I sank to my knees and cried. Cried out of relief and disbelief and guilt (yes, you read that right) and happiness and confusion. It's such a rush of so many different emotions, it's hard to put into words.

So I guess this "Baby Makin' Journey" has officially started!  Stay safe, little poppy seed!

(We're not telling anyone quite yet. Just a few people--like you--so that you can pray. SO much can happen over the first couple of months, and we would like our little poppy seed to grow in my safe haven a little more before telling people.)

"Why haven't you gone to the doctor?"

It's been 2.5 years, and I am still not pregnant.  So why am I not more concerned?

I have been tracking my temperature for 9 months now. I see the trends. I have a higher temperature, and then I have no temperature spike after ovulation.

So why haven't I gone to see a doctor about this? Why haven't I taken steps that people normally take when they want a baby?

The unsatisfactory answer is, "I don't know."

Maybe I am scared.

Maybe I am just forgetful.

Maybe I am weary for the process that could be ahead.

Maybe it is because it is easier to not be a mom here in LA. I'm not the only non-mom.

Maybe because I am completely content with where Nick and I are in our relationship right now, and I know that a baby will completely change that.

In my brain, I know that I should find someplace and call.  In my brain, I think, "tomorrow I will do it". And then tomorrow comes, and I completely forget about it.

Should that even be possible? Shouldn't I be wanting a baby so badly that I think about it every second of the day? It should consume my thoughts, right?

But it doesn't. I really only think about it occasionally. Or when I call friends/family back home.  It is so easy here to get wrapped up in your daily life, and not think about it.

In Ohio, I was much more consumed with having a baby. I would get twinges inside me when I found out other people were pregnant. But here, I don't get that. It's like that ultra-strong desire has waned. I'm not sure what caused that. Is it just because LA is an easier place to live without kids? People focused on their careers, and so needing to have kids is not a high priority? Or has that desire waned because God knew my heart needed a break? And so He made it easier for me to handle this period of infertility?

Again, many questions with no answers. I don't know why this is happening the way that it is. I don't know why I am not motivated. I don't have an answer that will satisfy many people. It's just how it is.

One day I posted on Facebook, "Every day at work, I see one person that makes me wonder why they can make babies and I can't," and I had a lot of supportive and encouraging messages. It's amazing how many people experience difficulty getting pregnant. It's a lot more common than I first imagined.