Memories....of Birth

In thinking back on Avonlea's birth, I find it amazing the things I remember strongly, and the things I seem to have forgotten.  I went back and read my birth story, and I found myself thinking, "Wow! I don't remember that at all!"

Some things about Avonlea's birth that have stuck with me through the year (warning: some of these are maybe a little gross for those of you unfamiliar with the birth and after-birth processes):

1. I remember very specifically when I was coming out of my epidural meds, and how I was so shaky I thought I was going to drop Avonlea. I made Nick take her, even though I was supposed to be doing skin-to-skin time (something I, of course, felt guilty for later).

2. Speaking of guilt, it took all of 5 minutes for the mom guilt to set in. I felt guilty for everything! I didn't do enough skin-to-skin in the first 2 hours of her life (even though for the first hour I couldn't because I was coming out of major surgery), she cried the whole way from recovery to our new room so I must be a bad mom because what mom can't get her own baby to stop crying?, I couldn't change her diapers without getting someone to help me lift her out of her bed (again, major surgery), I was so exhausted I didn't want to hold her and risk dropping her (again, major surgery), and the big one: I didn't go to the hospital when my water broke, which then pushed everything back, ultimately causing her to be born almost 36 hours afterwards, and thus probably causing her to get the infection that made her have to go to the NICU. That's the one that still haunts me.

3. I HATED those leg compression socks that they put on you after surgery!  Ugh. The Worst.

4. I was super itchy after the epidural wore off.

5. I cried through the whole surgery. It was just the most overwhelmed I have ever been in my whole life. The combination of my dad and my sister missing the birth, plus the ALL DAY drama that was my non-labor and non-contractions and stretching my cervix manually and the doctor basically wearing horse gyno gloves to work on me, plus the constant "birth plan" concessions--all of it just made me a blubbering mess.  When they finally turned the epidural up and laid me on my back and wheeled me out of the room, I had this overwhelming feeling of mom floating angel-like above my bed the whole way into the delivery, and I just lost it. Nick asked me if I was okay at one point, probably because I was crying so much. When they brought Avonlea over to me, I couldn't see her very well through the tears.

6. I got chastised by the overnight nurse my second night after surgery, for using the wheelchair to get down to the NICU to see Avonlea. She told me I should not need it anymore.  Umm...excuse me? 36 hours ago, I had my stomach sliced open, and a nearly-9-pound baby wrangled out of it, and then the incision stitched and taped--TAPED!!--back together!  I wanted to take her stethoscope and shove it...somewhere unpleasant.

7. I was right by the nurse's station, which was a blessing and a curse. Blessing, because I was right by the nurse's station! I could push my little buzzer, and someone would attend to my needs nearly immediately. Curse because, again, right by the nurse's station!  7am and 7pm were the worst, because the shift changes were SO LOUD. I mean, irritatingly so.

8. I was completely exhausted after the birth, and there is this picture of me sleeping next to Avonlea. But I was totally faking, just for the picture. I did not sleep. Like, at all. I just couldn't, for some reason. The whole first night I basically stayed up most of the night, until about 2am, when I finally drifted off.

9. I also got chastised by another nurse, and by the NICU people because when I finally did sleep, both Avonlea and I slept for 6 hours--which, is a huge no-no. I was supposed to be trying to nurse her every 3 hours. But no one was in the room with me, and I finally slept, people! The next morning, when I was supposed to have written down her poops and feeds, and they saw nothing on the chart for the last 6 hours, they talked to me like I was the worst dumb mom ever. I felt terrible.  Oh, did I mention this happened right after they told me they were going to have to take her down to the NICU?  Yeah. Icing on proverbial cake.

10. After I gave birth, I feel like I was essentially a very large bag of water. If I left any part of my body lower than my heart for more than 5 minutes, all the excess water went and hung out in that part--most often, my feet. I can't even express how completely grotesque and awkward that is--I really should've gotten a picture of it.

11. A C-Section is one of the most out-of-body, weird experiences I have ever had. I mean, you're completely numb--but you can still feel things, mostly when the things that are happening affect another part of your body that is not numb. I felt tugging and pulling during the surgery, which was gnarly. But the most weird thing was when they transferred me from the surgery gurney to the rolling bed. I could tell they were rolling me one way and another, I could tell because my head was moving around--but I couldn't feel anything! I wish there were adequate words to explain what that is like.

12. The nice thing about being so numb is that you don't feel the lovely (read: horrible) uterine massages they give you after birth. At least, you don't feel the first few. If, however, you're like me, and you just don't seem to stop having things flow out of you, then they will continue to do them over and over, even after the epidural has started to wear off. Whoa. Not fun.

I realize now that most of these things have to do with having a C-Section. I don't feel like there is adequate information out there about what you should do if you have a C-Section. In our childbirth class, there was about a 15 minute blurb about it from our teacher. I was totally unprepared, physically, mentally, and emotionally for the C-Section. I felt like I had failed Avonlea by not being able to birth her naturally (d*&n cervix!), and by having to do things in this "unnatural" way.