Dear Avonlea,
I have lots of other things to work on right now, but I realize that I never wrote you a one year letter--in fact, I think I am really behind on a lot of your letters. If there is blame to be placed, it should probably be placed on you--you have stopped taking more than one nap a day, so my blog time is limited to the evenings, when I am often doing laundry, or cleaning up the house, or working on other things that get pushed back.
But don't worry--I'm not blaming you. I am so pleased I get to spend more of my day with your sweet face. I remember a time, not too long ago, when I would think to myself during the day, "I don't get to spend any time with my baby--she sleeps more than she is awake!" Well, that has certainly changed. You usually take one nap, but sometimes, if we are out-and-about, you won't take any! If that happens, you end up like your Mommy when she hasn't slept--cranky! A couple of times I have actually just driven around so you'll sleep in the car!
Speaking of sleep, you still aren't sleeping through the night. You get up a lot to eat. I get a lot of grief from people about it (including the pediatrician, who tells me I have to stop it), but the bottom line is that it doesn't bother me that much. You go to bed at 6:30 or 7pm, and always get up sometime between 10:30 and 11pm, when I'm going to bed. You then get up once at 2:30 or 3am, and then get up for the day at 7:30am. Sometimes, you'll get up at 6am, I'll feed you, and you'll go back to sleep until 8:30. Those are great days. :) This won't last forever, and until it really starts to bother me, I'll keep doing it.
One reason I am not stopping your night feedings is because you aren't eating during the day. You'll eat (swallow) purees, but anything solid you will play around with in your mouth, and then spit out. I think you're swallowing a little tiny bit, but for the most part, you just play the "taste and spit" game. I'm starting to wonder if we need to do some kind of therapy with you, since it hasn't seemed to get much better over the last 6 months. Eating this way, you won't be getting enough calories to begin to wean. You also want to do it all by yourself--you don't like to be fed, you want to do it yourself.
Other than the eating and sleeping thing, you are so much fun. You're very inquisitive. Anything new I bring into the house, you want to investigate. You love opening drawers and bags, pulling out all the contents, and then putting them back. You understand the phrase, "put it away!" which has become very helpful.
You absolutely love dogs. You squeal with delight, and start to say, "doh, doh, doh" whenever we see a dog out-and-about. You love cats, too, but we don't seem to have friends who have any cats. You love to stand at the screen door and talk to the dogs while they're outside.
You love to read. You'll go over to your basket of books, pull them out one at a time, and flip through them, making lots of talking sounds while you're doing it. You love to help me turn the pages, and you've started to point to things while I read. You can identify Mickey and Minnie mouse, and you love reading books with dogs and babies in them. We have a book that has a mirror on the last page, which is your favorite. You turn to that page, lean forward, and "kiss" the baby that you see.
You still love playing hide-and-seek. You're so funny--you've started playing it yourself. You hold yourself up on the coffee table, and squat down behind it and pop back up with a big grin. You always want me to say, "Where's Avonlea?? Boo!!"
Being outside is one of your favorite things. You're very aware of things in the sky--airplanes, helicopters, birds, and trees blowing in the wind. You always point to them and say, "aah!" If you hear an airplane or helicopter, your finger will go right up in the air, and you'll search for the plane with your eyes--you can spot them from very far away! You also are obsessed with balloons. When we go to Wal-Mart and Ralph's, you're always pointing to them, and spotting them even from across the store. We recently bought a small inflatable baby pool, which you really enjoyed, and we'll use a lot this summer. You love to go on walks in the stroller, too. You're content to sit in your stroller for a long time, as long as we're moving somewhere!
You just started taking your first few steps a couple of weeks ago--it's amazing to see how you have already progressed and started getting better and better with your balance. You aren't really taking steps independently--you'll walk from the couch to me, but only if it's 5 steps or less. Today you took your first step towards a non-human--you were trying to walk after Gus! You are getting more confident day-by-day. You most like to walk having both of your hands held--in fact, if we let go of one of your hands, you would stop dead in your tracks! The last few days, though, you are starting to walk by only holding one hand...you just tend to go in circles when that happens. :) When you do walk a few steps independently, you get very giggly...almost hyperventilating!
You are very tough and brave. You fall down and get bumps and scrapes a lot as you're learning how to move--but you very rarely cry. Sometimes, if you hit your head or fall down or smoosh your fingers, you'll look at me right away, and I'll say, "You're okay!" If you start to cry before you look at me, I know you're really hurt--but that isn't very often. You can go down the slide with a little help getting started, and you always smile when you get to the bottom. You love to be thrown high up in the air--you will almost stop breathing when you get to the apex of the throw, and then giggle on the way back down. You love the swings, and love to be pushed high. You love the wind in your face, and you love to be spun around in circles, holding on as tight as you can to my shirt so you won't fall backwards. You love to be hung upside-down, and you love to be tickled. I adore hearing your little giggle when I hit the exact right tickle spot.
You're funny about dirt--you don't like having stuff on your hands, and you'll often go to a small piece of paper or fuzz on the floor to pick it up. You are definitely not a fan of sand, which is sad, because the local playground we used to go to all the time has been covered in sand by local kids. You don't like to crawl around it anymore. This also means you're not really a fan of stickers. I'll put one on the back of your hand, and you'll get fussy with me if you can't get it off your fingers.
You've started making a really cheesy grin, which always makes me laugh. In fact, you often make me laugh. Our days are filled with laughing and playing and joy. You start every morning by waking up and talking/singing in your bed until we come and get you.
You have very good fine motor skills. You often play with small things, pressing and manipulating them to figure out how they work. Recently you discovered the music box in your room, and the button under the lid that makes the music turn on and off. You also like taking the caps off of bottles. Grammy Gaydene remarks about it whenever she sees it. "That little finger!" she says, "Always moving!" You're also getting good at throwing a ball back and forth with a partner. Your accuracy is pretty good! You mostly throw right-handed.
You don't like to have your hands held, and you are not a snuggler. Kind of makes Mommy sad, but that's just how you are. It makes the little snuggles you do give extra-special. You also don't like to sleep while being held.
You've started exhibiting some negative behaviors, like when you don't get your way about something. You'll start to throw a little bit of a fit--some fake tears or some whining. Thankfully, you're really good at cutting it out when I tell you that isn't appropriate. You also have started to do some willful things, like doing something even after I have told you no. We're going to be working on that for a while, I think!
You like looking at pictures. I made a large number 1 for your birthday, and covered it with photos. I haven't taken it off the wall, because every day you go up to it and point to the pictures and talk to them. You've started to be able to point to different people that I name--today you identified PawPaw, Gus, Daddy, and Aunt Ashley.
You get lots of compliments wherever we go. The nursery workers at church often make wonderful comments about you, and claim that you are one of their favorites (last week, they said that everyone else was crying, and you were just happy and content to hang out with everyone). The ladies that work at Ralph's love you, and lots of people comment on how beautiful you are. I agree with them, of course! I can't wait for you to show them how bright and smart and strong you are, too.
Baby girl, I love you with all of my heart. I love watching you grow, explore, and change. I love seeing your heart for your friends, and your love for your family. My prayers are always with you.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Memories....of Birth
In thinking back on Avonlea's birth, I find it amazing the things I remember strongly, and the things I seem to have forgotten. I went back and read my birth story, and I found myself thinking, "Wow! I don't remember that at all!"
Some things about Avonlea's birth that have stuck with me through the year (warning: some of these are maybe a little gross for those of you unfamiliar with the birth and after-birth processes):
1. I remember very specifically when I was coming out of my epidural meds, and how I was so shaky I thought I was going to drop Avonlea. I made Nick take her, even though I was supposed to be doing skin-to-skin time (something I, of course, felt guilty for later).
2. Speaking of guilt, it took all of 5 minutes for the mom guilt to set in. I felt guilty for everything! I didn't do enough skin-to-skin in the first 2 hours of her life (even though for the first hour I couldn't because I was coming out of major surgery), she cried the whole way from recovery to our new room so I must be a bad mom because what mom can't get her own baby to stop crying?, I couldn't change her diapers without getting someone to help me lift her out of her bed (again, major surgery), I was so exhausted I didn't want to hold her and risk dropping her (again, major surgery), and the big one: I didn't go to the hospital when my water broke, which then pushed everything back, ultimately causing her to be born almost 36 hours afterwards, and thus probably causing her to get the infection that made her have to go to the NICU. That's the one that still haunts me.
3. I HATED those leg compression socks that they put on you after surgery! Ugh. The Worst.
4. I was super itchy after the epidural wore off.
5. I cried through the whole surgery. It was just the most overwhelmed I have ever been in my whole life. The combination of my dad and my sister missing the birth, plus the ALL DAY drama that was my non-labor and non-contractions and stretching my cervix manually and the doctor basically wearing horse gyno gloves to work on me, plus the constant "birth plan" concessions--all of it just made me a blubbering mess. When they finally turned the epidural up and laid me on my back and wheeled me out of the room, I had this overwhelming feeling of mom floating angel-like above my bed the whole way into the delivery, and I just lost it. Nick asked me if I was okay at one point, probably because I was crying so much. When they brought Avonlea over to me, I couldn't see her very well through the tears.
6. I got chastised by the overnight nurse my second night after surgery, for using the wheelchair to get down to the NICU to see Avonlea. She told me I should not need it anymore. Umm...excuse me? 36 hours ago, I had my stomach sliced open, and a nearly-9-pound baby wrangled out of it, and then the incision stitched and taped--TAPED!!--back together! I wanted to take her stethoscope and shove it...somewhere unpleasant.
7. I was right by the nurse's station, which was a blessing and a curse. Blessing, because I was right by the nurse's station! I could push my little buzzer, and someone would attend to my needs nearly immediately. Curse because, again, right by the nurse's station! 7am and 7pm were the worst, because the shift changes were SO LOUD. I mean, irritatingly so.
8. I was completely exhausted after the birth, and there is this picture of me sleeping next to Avonlea. But I was totally faking, just for the picture. I did not sleep. Like, at all. I just couldn't, for some reason. The whole first night I basically stayed up most of the night, until about 2am, when I finally drifted off.
9. I also got chastised by another nurse, and by the NICU people because when I finally did sleep, both Avonlea and I slept for 6 hours--which, is a huge no-no. I was supposed to be trying to nurse her every 3 hours. But no one was in the room with me, and I finally slept, people! The next morning, when I was supposed to have written down her poops and feeds, and they saw nothing on the chart for the last 6 hours, they talked to me like I was the worst dumb mom ever. I felt terrible. Oh, did I mention this happened right after they told me they were going to have to take her down to the NICU? Yeah. Icing on proverbial cake.
10. After I gave birth, I feel like I was essentially a very large bag of water. If I left any part of my body lower than my heart for more than 5 minutes, all the excess water went and hung out in that part--most often, my feet. I can't even express how completely grotesque and awkward that is--I really should've gotten a picture of it.
11. A C-Section is one of the most out-of-body, weird experiences I have ever had. I mean, you're completely numb--but you can still feel things, mostly when the things that are happening affect another part of your body that is not numb. I felt tugging and pulling during the surgery, which was gnarly. But the most weird thing was when they transferred me from the surgery gurney to the rolling bed. I could tell they were rolling me one way and another, I could tell because my head was moving around--but I couldn't feel anything! I wish there were adequate words to explain what that is like.
12. The nice thing about being so numb is that you don't feel the lovely (read: horrible) uterine massages they give you after birth. At least, you don't feel the first few. If, however, you're like me, and you just don't seem to stop having things flow out of you, then they will continue to do them over and over, even after the epidural has started to wear off. Whoa. Not fun.
I realize now that most of these things have to do with having a C-Section. I don't feel like there is adequate information out there about what you should do if you have a C-Section. In our childbirth class, there was about a 15 minute blurb about it from our teacher. I was totally unprepared, physically, mentally, and emotionally for the C-Section. I felt like I had failed Avonlea by not being able to birth her naturally (d*&n cervix!), and by having to do things in this "unnatural" way.
Some things about Avonlea's birth that have stuck with me through the year (warning: some of these are maybe a little gross for those of you unfamiliar with the birth and after-birth processes):
1. I remember very specifically when I was coming out of my epidural meds, and how I was so shaky I thought I was going to drop Avonlea. I made Nick take her, even though I was supposed to be doing skin-to-skin time (something I, of course, felt guilty for later).
2. Speaking of guilt, it took all of 5 minutes for the mom guilt to set in. I felt guilty for everything! I didn't do enough skin-to-skin in the first 2 hours of her life (even though for the first hour I couldn't because I was coming out of major surgery), she cried the whole way from recovery to our new room so I must be a bad mom because what mom can't get her own baby to stop crying?, I couldn't change her diapers without getting someone to help me lift her out of her bed (again, major surgery), I was so exhausted I didn't want to hold her and risk dropping her (again, major surgery), and the big one: I didn't go to the hospital when my water broke, which then pushed everything back, ultimately causing her to be born almost 36 hours afterwards, and thus probably causing her to get the infection that made her have to go to the NICU. That's the one that still haunts me.
3. I HATED those leg compression socks that they put on you after surgery! Ugh. The Worst.
4. I was super itchy after the epidural wore off.
5. I cried through the whole surgery. It was just the most overwhelmed I have ever been in my whole life. The combination of my dad and my sister missing the birth, plus the ALL DAY drama that was my non-labor and non-contractions and stretching my cervix manually and the doctor basically wearing horse gyno gloves to work on me, plus the constant "birth plan" concessions--all of it just made me a blubbering mess. When they finally turned the epidural up and laid me on my back and wheeled me out of the room, I had this overwhelming feeling of mom floating angel-like above my bed the whole way into the delivery, and I just lost it. Nick asked me if I was okay at one point, probably because I was crying so much. When they brought Avonlea over to me, I couldn't see her very well through the tears.
6. I got chastised by the overnight nurse my second night after surgery, for using the wheelchair to get down to the NICU to see Avonlea. She told me I should not need it anymore. Umm...excuse me? 36 hours ago, I had my stomach sliced open, and a nearly-9-pound baby wrangled out of it, and then the incision stitched and taped--TAPED!!--back together! I wanted to take her stethoscope and shove it...somewhere unpleasant.
7. I was right by the nurse's station, which was a blessing and a curse. Blessing, because I was right by the nurse's station! I could push my little buzzer, and someone would attend to my needs nearly immediately. Curse because, again, right by the nurse's station! 7am and 7pm were the worst, because the shift changes were SO LOUD. I mean, irritatingly so.
8. I was completely exhausted after the birth, and there is this picture of me sleeping next to Avonlea. But I was totally faking, just for the picture. I did not sleep. Like, at all. I just couldn't, for some reason. The whole first night I basically stayed up most of the night, until about 2am, when I finally drifted off.
9. I also got chastised by another nurse, and by the NICU people because when I finally did sleep, both Avonlea and I slept for 6 hours--which, is a huge no-no. I was supposed to be trying to nurse her every 3 hours. But no one was in the room with me, and I finally slept, people! The next morning, when I was supposed to have written down her poops and feeds, and they saw nothing on the chart for the last 6 hours, they talked to me like I was the worst dumb mom ever. I felt terrible. Oh, did I mention this happened right after they told me they were going to have to take her down to the NICU? Yeah. Icing on proverbial cake.
10. After I gave birth, I feel like I was essentially a very large bag of water. If I left any part of my body lower than my heart for more than 5 minutes, all the excess water went and hung out in that part--most often, my feet. I can't even express how completely grotesque and awkward that is--I really should've gotten a picture of it.
11. A C-Section is one of the most out-of-body, weird experiences I have ever had. I mean, you're completely numb--but you can still feel things, mostly when the things that are happening affect another part of your body that is not numb. I felt tugging and pulling during the surgery, which was gnarly. But the most weird thing was when they transferred me from the surgery gurney to the rolling bed. I could tell they were rolling me one way and another, I could tell because my head was moving around--but I couldn't feel anything! I wish there were adequate words to explain what that is like.
12. The nice thing about being so numb is that you don't feel the lovely (read: horrible) uterine massages they give you after birth. At least, you don't feel the first few. If, however, you're like me, and you just don't seem to stop having things flow out of you, then they will continue to do them over and over, even after the epidural has started to wear off. Whoa. Not fun.
I realize now that most of these things have to do with having a C-Section. I don't feel like there is adequate information out there about what you should do if you have a C-Section. In our childbirth class, there was about a 15 minute blurb about it from our teacher. I was totally unprepared, physically, mentally, and emotionally for the C-Section. I felt like I had failed Avonlea by not being able to birth her naturally (d*&n cervix!), and by having to do things in this "unnatural" way.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
On Turning One
We celebrated Avonlea's birthday yesterday. She turned one on Friday. It is really surreal to look back at this year and to see how much she has changed--and how much she has changed me.
Many people shed tears on the first birthday, but I didn't. To be honest, I am glad she is one. I am glad she is getting older. I really didn't do well with her as a baby. Many people pine for the babies, and say, "Oh, I wish my baby was teeny tiny again!" I might smile at those people, but on the inside, I am thinking, "You are crazy. Do you REMEMBER what it was like with a newborn baby?"
Babies are No. Fun. As a mom, you're sleep-deprived, you're totally confused as to what you should be doing, you're paralyzingly lonely while simultaneously surrounded by people wanting to help you, sometimes you're in extreme pain from surgery, other times in extreme pain from pushing a child through your lady bits. The kid you've waited so long for is all wrinkly and kinda deformed-looking. When you look back at baby pictures later, you think, "I really thought *that thing* was cute?" because honestly, 99.9% of newborns are uhg-ly. And yes, mine is included in that. Avonlea had weird tufts of hair, and super skinny legs and arms, and terrible baby acne for the first several weeks that made strangers ask what was wrong with her. I, of course, was so hopped up on drugs and natural love-inducing hormones that I thought she was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen.
I took this kinda weird-looking newborn home, and spent the next 4 months trying to figure out why it wouldn't stop crying non-stop. Or throwing up non-stop. Or pooping out of these ridiculously expensive diapers that are meant to hold poop. (I mean, seriously. It's the diaper's ONLY JOB. We can send people to the moon, but we can't figure out how to contain baby poop in a diaper? Someone figure this out already!)
All of this to say, I was thrilled when she grew out of her incessant crying. That shark was making me cray-cray. I was overjoyed when she figured out how to stop throwing up everything she ate. I breathed sighs of relief when she could hold her head up by herself, so I didn't feel like I was going to snap off her head all the time. I loved the day she could follow a toy around with her eyes, and then the day when I could sit her down under a play mat and do something without holding her for 10 minutes. The day that she sat up on her own, I had a dance party for myself. (No, really, I did. I danced to Disney music. It was great.) When I realized she could go 3 hours between feedings instead of an hour and a half, I rejoiced.
Basically, she went from a baby I could barely tolerate, to a baby I could figure out and truly appreciate. Believe me, it's not that I didn't love my baby. It might sound that way, but that is not the case at all. I just don't do well in situations where I have no control--and having a newborn baby is precisely that kind of situation. So I didn't do well.
But over the last few months, we have really come into our own, and I am really enjoying her. And as she gets older, and starts to be able to communicate even more, it will just get better. I love the stage she is in right now, and I don't wish to go back at all.
Now, I might not want to go forward after this...but that's another blog. :)
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Visiting Family
A whole month without writing?? Egads!
I have a couple of posts that I started, but have just "saved" for later. There are just some things I want to brew for a little while longer before blasting them out.
We just got back from a wonderful weekend in San Diego. We met up with Ashley, who was in town for the weekend for a conference. We were able to stay together in the hotel one night, and then our friends graciously hosted us for the rest of the weekend, so we could be together as much as possible.
It's hard to believe that Ashley has only been able to see Avonlea three times so far. Growing up as we did in Ohio, surrounded by family all the time, I never thought I would raise my little one so far away from others in my extended family, especially not her immediate family.
I know that we are supposed to be here in LA. And I really do love it. But I do *not* love that Avonlea is growing up without them. It sucks, to put it mildly.
I have a couple of posts that I started, but have just "saved" for later. There are just some things I want to brew for a little while longer before blasting them out.
We just got back from a wonderful weekend in San Diego. We met up with Ashley, who was in town for the weekend for a conference. We were able to stay together in the hotel one night, and then our friends graciously hosted us for the rest of the weekend, so we could be together as much as possible.
It's hard to believe that Ashley has only been able to see Avonlea three times so far. Growing up as we did in Ohio, surrounded by family all the time, I never thought I would raise my little one so far away from others in my extended family, especially not her immediate family.
I know that we are supposed to be here in LA. And I really do love it. But I do *not* love that Avonlea is growing up without them. It sucks, to put it mildly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)